[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab.]

Frankie Billy: Excuse me, a patty for the lady please.

Squidward: Try reading the sign, Casanova.

[Frankie tries to read the sign, but he can't]

Evelyn: You never learned to read, did you?

Frankie Billy: [sulks] No.

Evelyn: That's all right, neither did I!

Frankie Billy: [hugging Evelyn] We were meant for each other! [they walk away happily]

Squidward: [sighs] Even the illiterate are finding love. [takes out a "Squid Love" book] Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself with tales of romance? [tosses the book away and it lands in SpongeBob's eye]

SpongeBob: [takes the book out of his eye] Squidward! [puts the book on his tongue] You dropped your ook!

Squidward: That's no "ook." That's just a cruel reminder that I'm single, and likely to remain that way forever.

SpongeBob: Don't be sad, buddy. Turn that frown upside down! [flips Squidward's head]

Squidward: I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation. [flips his head back to normal]

SpongeBob: [appearing on top of the cash register in front of Squidward] Just remember, Squidward. You have never experienced true love. [Squidward sighs.] But that doesn't mean you will never find it! You know the saying: There's a squid for every pot!

Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. [sarcastically] That'll make me feel better.

[Squilvia walks inside and Squidward gasps]

Squidward: [bashes into SpongeBob and picks him up as he looks at her] Who-who is that? She's got da-da-da-da-da... [melts] She's, wow!

Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor! Exquisitely minimalist!

Squidward: [gasps] She speaks art jargon!

Squilvia: What culinary delights doth this menu hold?

Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all! Class, style, grace, [shows a caricature of Squilvia's face. Elephant sounds are heard.] ...and looks only matched by yours truly!

SpongeBob: Well, why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?

Squidward: My next move exactly! Observe the old Tentacles charm in all its glory! [tries to speak to her, but becomes nervous]

Squilvia: Is that Salmonese? [Squidward stutters.]

SpongeBob: Boy, you are floundering up there!

Squidward: I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.

SpongeBob: [chuckles] Squiddy, you've been bitten [taps Squidward's nose] ...by the love bug!

Squilvia: Hello! Hello? I'd like to order.

Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?

SpongeBob: Squidward, I can help you attract your true love!

Squidward: You!? You don't know the first thing about the fine art of romance!

Squilvia: Well, since no one wants to take my order, I'll go elsewhere. [begins to leave]

Squidward: [gasps] What? She's leaving!

SpongeBob: Oh no she's not! Hang on, buddy! [cranks up the boat and it moves in front of Squilvia]

Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.

SpongeBob: [speaking Pig Latin] Hey, Idward Squay. 'Emeber ray the eat day. [Squidward falls over] I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you on a romantic date, ma'am. Right, Squidward?

Squidward: [tries to talk, but is constantly feeling romance]

SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Shake the nice lady's hand and say "Hello."

Squilvia: Hello. [shakes Squidward's hand] My name is Squilvia. Uh... is he okay?

SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He-he's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. [Squidward falls over again] So, what do you think? You want to date him?

Squilvia: Uh... I don't know. I'm not too sure...

SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions, allow me to tell you a few things about my friend, Squidward. Things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.

Squilvia: Intelligent?

SpongeBob: That's right! We are talking some serious credentials. [holds a L.A.M.E. certificate]

Squilvia: [reads off certificate] L.A.M.E.? What school is that?

SpongeBob: [tosses the certificate, which ends up hitting a fish who shouted "Hey!" off-screen] The point is, he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.

Squilvia: Really? Wow. He really said that?

SpongeBob: You betcha! He's such a charmer.

Squidward: [to SpongeBob] Don't forget artistic and musical.

SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too. [Squidward shows a painting of muscular Squidward, shows his playing the clarinet, shows delicious fricassee, cleans SpongeBob with a feather-duster, and waters a flower. The flower grins.]

Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting!

SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? [teary-eyed] It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy [He sobs with awe and makes an imaginary half-rectangle with his index fingers.] ...would get to experience things on a whole 'nother and very special level. [Squilvia wipes way the tears.] So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?

Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?

Squidward: Uh-huh.

Squilvia: See you at 8:00, Squidward. [She squeezes Squidward's smile and walks away. Squidward floats away and SpongeBob grabs him]

SpongeBob: You okay, Squidward? You froze up there, buddy.

Squidward: [head is in a block of ice, which breaks] What do you mean?

SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?

Squidward: [A thought bubble appears. He remembers dancing with his last date.] SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?

SpongeBob: Shhh-shhh. [pushes Squidward's nose to Squidward's mouth] You, my friend, are in desperate need of a practice date before going on the real thing.

Squidward: That's a great idea, SpongeBob! I'll just have... [going from excited to monotone voice] a practice date? I don't get it.

SpongeBob: Just meet me at 5:00 at my place, okay Squidward?

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. Squidward rings the doorbell]

SpongeBob: [female voice] Just one minute, Squidward!

Squidward: [sulks a little a look at his watch] Sometime today would be nice.

SpongeBob: [He is dressed as Squilvia. female voice] I'm ready!

Squidward: [screams] Dear Neptune!

SpongeBob: [puts the finishing makeup touches on his nose] Oh! [smacks his nose, making it bigger, and tilts it down] Missed a spot! [regular voice] Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?

Squidward: Uh...um...you look...stunning?

SpongeBob: [giggles, female voice] Oh, you're so sweet! Where are my flowers?

Squidward: Flowers? Oh! Well, they're...um...did you drop your lip balm?

SpongeBob: [looks down as Squidward buys some tulips from the Flower Shop] [female voice] I don't think I've dropped anything... Ooh! You shouldn't have.

Squidward: Oh, but I wanted to!

SpongeBob: [female voice] No, you really shouldn't have. I'm very allerg... I'm very all... [sneezes on Squidward and the tulips wilt] ...very allergic to tulips. Anyway, are you ready to go?

Squidward: [wipes away the snot from SpongeBob's sneeze] Go where?

SpongeBob: [giggles, female voice] To dinner, silly.

Squidward: Oh, right! Dinner. I'll get my car. [arrives with his boat] Hop in! [SpongeBob clears his throat] What?

SpongeBob: [regular voice] A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.

Squidward: [opens the passenger door] Oh, where are my manners!? [SpongeBob gets in, and Squidward buckles his seatbelt] Alrighty, so...

SpongeBob: [grunts while struggling with his seatbelt] Oh, come on.

Squidward: Can I help you with that?

SpongeBob: [female voice] No, no, I think I've got it! [grunts] Stupid thing!

Squidward: [takes the seatbelt and buckles it] Would you get- There!

SpongeBob: [female voice] Ah, snug.

Squidward: Uh-huh. Can we go now?

SpongeBob: [female voice] Yes.

Squidward: Great.

SpongeBob: [female voice] Right after I tinkle. [He unbuckles his seatbelt, which slaps Squidward in the head. SpongeBob walks inside and rings a bell before returning to the car] Ahhh. Oh, good thing I went, I don’t think I would’ve made it to the restaurant. Is something wrong Squidward?

Squidward: No! Just hungry that’s all.

SpongeBob: [female voice] Great, well I know a fabulous place! Just head this way.

Squidward: Wonderful. [The boat departs SpongeBob's home.]

SpongeBob: [female voice] Okay now at this stop sign turn right.

Squidward: Okay.

SpongeBob: [female voice] Now at this light make a right.

Squidward: Gotcha.

SpongeBob: [female voice] Now at this street here make a right. And at this intersection here make a right, and then park right near the orange building just up ahead. [The boat arrives at SpongeBob's home.] Ooh! We're here!

Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?

SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh why, thank you, Mr. Squidward! [regular voice] Way to compliment the date, Squidward.

[Bubble transition to the pineapple rooftop.]

SpongeBob: [female voice] Now, it's the chit-chat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.

Squidward: Oh... Um... Chit-chat... Um...can you believe this weather we're having?

SpongeBob: [normal voice] Okay, good effort, but you might want to start with something more personal. A woman may like to talk about her day, for example. She may want to talk about her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, [female voice] ...or talk about how I was nearly late for our date because I couldn't decide what to wear, and then I didn't really have enough cash to give the lady at the nail salon. [shows his red painted nails]

Squidward: Urrgh!

Patrick: [as the waiter, clears throat] Dinner is served.

SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh! I'm famished! [Patrick gives SpongeBob and Squidward a plate of meatloaf, partially eaten]

Patrick: [to Squidward] Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.

SpongeBob: [normal voice] Now this is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette. [female voice] Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? [Squidward tries to pass the kelp, but Patrick gives it to him]

Patrick: [passes kelp to SpongeBob] Here you go, ma'am!

SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh, thank you, sir!

Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the cutesy eye!

Squidward: Oh, no, you don't, Patrick! You cannot just barge in here like this! SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date!

Patrick: [to SpongeBob] So, do you hang out here often?

SpongeBob: [female voice] Well, this is my home, silly. [giggles]

Squidward: Excuse me, but how is this supposed to help me on my real date? [looks at watch, beeping] Which, by the way begins in five minutes. [walks down stairs angrily mumbling]

SpongeBob: [regular voice] Squidward, wait. We haven't covered... Oh! [grabs the purse and looks inside for the lipstick and pops lips] We haven't covered all the tenets of Dating 101 yet. Squidward, wait. There's a couple more tenets! [trips and falls downstairs causing his clothes to fall off, and bumps into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the front door] Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! As I was saying, I'd like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date... [The door melts off Squidward.]

Squidward: [angrily and growling] First date?! That's it!

SpongeBob: Such as...

[Squidward grabs SpongeBob's mouth]

Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?

SpongeBob: Um, Squidward...

Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you, you annoying, insignificant, waste of my time!

SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.

Squidward: Don't interrupt me! [continues to yell at SpongeBob underneath the sand] And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me! Because you and I, we are not friends! And never will be.

SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date?

[Squidward walks and sees Squilvia]

Squidward: Um, you saw that, didn't you?

Squilvia: Oh, only all of it.

Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute, which, ironically, is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?

Squilvia: Not exactly.

Squidward: Huh?

Squilvia: I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly is totally dreamy. Let's go eat!

Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy!

[Squilvia pulls Squidward away so they can go eat]

SpongeBob: [laughs while waving goodbye] Have fun, you two! SquarePants, your work here is done.

Patrick: [dressed as a woman] Not quite! I was promised a movie, and some plastic popcorn. [The episode ends.]