[The episode opens with an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Recital Hall. Inside, on the stage is Squilliam Fancyson. Flowers are being thrown to him]

Squilliam: Thank you. [he bows] Thank you. [he catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.

[Squidward, in a sweater the same color as his usual shirt, watches, irritated, in the audience. A fish next to him leans over him]

Music Lover: Isn't it grand?

Squidward: What is?

Music Lover: He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant! [The clarinet plays on a table besides Squilliam. He moves his arms towards it and the cheering of the crowd gets louder]

Squidward: Alright, I've had enough! [He stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!

Music School Headmaster: Why, here he comes now.

Music School Headmistress: [gasps] It is him!

Squidward: Huh?

Music School Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the Third, who we all came here to see perform tonight?

Squidward: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.

Music School Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.

Squidward: Why?

Music School Headmistress: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed musical college in town and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own music class.

Squidward: My very own music class? Did you say "Squilliam Fancyson"?

Music School Headmistress: Yes.

Squidward: I'm... Squilliam Fancyson.

Music School Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?

Squidward: It is... No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't!

Music School Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's music recital?

Music School Headmaster: A very pathetic one, that's whom. [both laugh]

Squidward: [pretends to laugh] Oh.

Music School Headmistress: Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.

Squidward: Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. [runs off]

Music School Headmaster: Hmm, music types.

Music School Headmistress: Ooh, they're so strange.

[Bubble transition to Squidward's music teaching lesson building. Inside, Squidward, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]

Squidward: [clears throat] Good evening, students. Now, our first...

Students: Good evening, Professor.

Squidward: As I was saying, our first...

[Billy puts his hand up]

Squidward: Yes?

Billy: Aren't you gonna write your name on the board like most professors do?

Squidward: My-my name? What for?

Billy: Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.

Squidward: [sighs] Why don't you come write your name on the board? We'll see how you like it.

Billy: Okay.

[Billy walks up to the board and writes his name]

Squidward: There, now how does that feel, Billy?

Billy: Okay, I-I guess.

Squidward: Good. Now, why don't you take your seat and stop poking your nose into other people's business?! [Billy walks back to his seat] Now, if we can go for five minutes without having any further interruptions. I would like to...

SpongeBob: [laughing and pointing at Squidward] Hey, look! It's Squid... [Squidward quickly puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]

Squidward: Squilliam, everybody, he was about to say "Squilliam"!

Patrick: Oh, uh, oh, actually, I think he was about to say Squid... [Squidward puts his other hand over Patrick's mouth and Patrick mumbles]

Squidward: [nervously] Didn't you two nincompoops know? I have my name legally changed to Squilliam Fancyson. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Patrick and SpongeBob blink twice] Okay, good. [Patrick blinks one more time] Hey, he blinked three times!

SpongeBob: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?

Patrick: I'll say.

Squidward: Would you two numb skulls mind telling me what you're doing in music class anyway?

SpongeBob: Sure! Patrick's New Year's resolution was to learn to play an instrument!

Squidward: You told me your resolution was to sign up for an all natural slimming, toning, and increased muscle mass program!

Patrick: It was. I traded with SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: And I have been very happy with the results. See? [shows his muscular leg to Squidward]

Squidward: Wow, those are impressive results.

[Bubble transition to later in the classroom]

Squidward: [clears throat] As you may not be aware, music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a... [SpongeBob giggles] Music is a complicated series of... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward glares at the class] ...is a complicated series of notes that when played in the... [SpongeBob giggles. Squidward stomps up to him] SpongeBob, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!

SpongeBob: [sighs] I'm sorry, Professor Squilliam. [SpongeBob winks at Squidward] Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.

Patrick: No way! He's making that up! It was him!

Squidward: You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?

Patrick: You better tell him, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Alright, it was me.

Squidward: You were tickling yourself?

SpongeBob: Mm hmm!

Squidward: How?

SpongeBob: Like this. [close up of him rubbing his shoes together. SpongeBob bursts out laughing and continuously rubs his feet together]

Squidward: Alright, that's enough!

[Bubble transition to show the students now in a straight line, with SpongeBob and Patrick at both ends]

Squidward: There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex... [SpongeBob laughs] SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself!

Patrick: Actually, that time, it really was me.

[Squidward looks baffled. Bubble transition to later]

Squidward: Now, I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard. [Squidward goes to the board and draws a staff. Patrick starts whispering to SpongeBob] Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Patrick: Uh-uh.

Squidward: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.

Patrick: Well, I was just saying that these lines you drew remind me of a railroad track.

Squidward: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!

Patrick: Well, actually, there was a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]

Squidward: I have never seen a more ridiculous looking object on top of anybody's head, anywhere!

Patrick: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.

Squidward: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? [starts laughing. Patrick pulls up a toy train]

Patrick: Yes.

Squidward: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?

[Patrick, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past SpongeBob and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is then shown to be a garbage can being held by Squidward. Squidward then takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, then he goes back inside]

Squidward: Now, where were... [sees Patrick back in his seat] ...we?

[Bubble transition to later]

Squidward: This is what's known as a metronome.

SpongeBob: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!

Patrick: No, SpongeBob, that was a garden gnome.

Squidward: [clears throat] Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.

[He starts the metronome and it starts ticking. SpongeBob and Patrick suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

Squidward: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!

SpongeBob: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.

Patrick: I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.

Squidward: Will you two nincompoops cut it out?! Or am I gonna...

[Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Hello! We're with the local Bikini Bottom News Channel. I'm a reporter. [Squidward gasps and neatens his wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are still ticking]

Squidward: Please ignore them.

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Are those students of yours?

Squidward: Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this make a much hotter scoop.

Squidward: Hotter? Scoop?!

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.

Squidward: Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear! [he starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: Don't blame me, blame the market- [Squidward slams door] ...researchers. [A bell rings and SpongeBob and Patrick jolt as though they have woken up]

SpongeBob: Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance. [Squidward's eyes narrow angrily]

Squidward: You wanna know what happened?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay!

Squidward: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!

Harold: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.

Squidward: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?

SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Squidward. [Squidward looks horrified as SpongeBob revealed Squidward's name]

Patrick: Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.

Squidward: [frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh...

Harold: Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?

Squidward: [frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Squilliam"!

Gus: Oh! I knew this guy was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.

Harold: Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!

Squidward: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Squidward blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!

[The door is smashed open and several police fish run in. Squidward, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]

Squidward: Wha-What's going on here?

Johnson: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.

[Music School Headmistress and the real Squilliam Fancyson are there]

Music School Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]

Bikini Bottom News Reporter: What a hot scoop!

Music School Headmistress: The real Squilliam, as we all know, has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead! [She points to Squilliam's unibrow]

Squidward: But...

[A police fish takes Squidward's wig off]

Green Police Fish: No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.

[Squidward is handcuffed and taken away by the police. SpongeBob takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Patrick start swaying to the rhythm again]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...