Mr. Krabs: Hey, I'm expecting a fifty cent rebate check. Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.
Mailman: Sorry. No check. But I've got this. [gives Mr. Krabs a bottle and walks away]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, a correspondence in a bottle, eh? [reading] Ahoy, Eugene. I'm so proud you followed your ol' Grampa's peg leg and became a pirate, that I'll be sailing by for a ship's inspection. That vessel better be well-oiled or you'll be dancing the short plank jig? Happee lootin'? Grandpa Redbeard?! [not reading. Gasp!] Grandpa Readbeard comin’ by to tonight night!
SpongeBob: I didn't know your grandpa was a pirate, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Aye, I come from a whole family of pirates. Gramps used to say, "The Krabs Clan has been pirates for as long as we've had claws." And he wanted me to be a pirate, too.
[He flashes back to when he was a baby. His grandpa was babysitting him on his pirate ship]
Baby Mr. Krabs: [chewing a rattle]
Grandpa Redbeard: [fighting pirate skeletons] One day, you'll be a plunderin' pirate just like yer ol' granddad here.
Mr. Krabs: So I bought me a ship, hired a crew.....
Crew member: Aaarrrrr!
Mr. Krabs: And for years, I drifted the high seas as a pirate. And booty did abound.
Crew members: [lined up to get paid]
Mr. Krabs: I started to notice a recurring fee. I just wasn't turning enough profit. So I fired me crew and sold me ship. ‘Twas also the last time I saw me granddad.
Grandpa Redbeard: Aaarrr, if it ain't me pirate grandson.
Young Mr. Krabs: Well, actually, Grandpa,...I just sold...
Grandpa Redbeard: Ya know how proud it makes me to see me only grandson continuin' in the family business.
Young Mr. Krabs: Yeah, uh, Grandpa...
Grandpa Redbeard: And I'll be keepin' me eye on yer career to see how you progress. Just remember, the only rule in the Pirate's Code of Honor is: Never tell a lie.
[The flashback ends]
Mr. Krabs: For all he knows, the Krusty Krab is a pirate ship. If he were to find out the truth, it would break his salty, barnacle encrusted heart. Boo-hoo!
SpongeBob: Why don't we just make the Krusty Krab look like a pirate ship.
Mr. Krabs: Hm. Not a bad idea, boy. But we're gonna need a first rate crew.
SpongeBob: We've got Squidward. And I could get Patrick to join up.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah.
[An hour or two pass]
Mr. Krabs: All right, me hearties! Get this one thing clear. If Grandpa Redbeard is ever gonna believe I'm a pirate, ye landlubbers are gonna have to pass as a pirate crew. Which means, I want you to look like a pirate. [puts a bandana on Squidward] I want you to talk like a pirate.
SpongeBob: Swarthy! I mean...shiver me timbers!
Mr. Krabs: But most importantly, I want you to smell like a pirate. [smells Patrick] Very convincing, Patrick. And as me crew, you'll be makin' the Krusty Krab into an imitation pirate ship! Now, let's get this restaurant ready to sail!
[A few minutes pass]
Mr. Krabs: [breaks the bar holding the tableabove the ground. He sticks it in the cash register for a steering wheel]
Squidward: [starts painting the floor of the Krusty Krab black]
Patrick: [hammers two wooden boards together]
SpongeBob: [puts the Krusty Krab sign on the roof]
Patrick: [breaks a wooden board with his hammer]
SpongeBob: [removes the shell from the pole and replaces it with a crow's nest]
Patrick: [breaks another wooden board]
SpongeBob: [pours garbage into a bucket and stirs it]
Patrick: [glues some broken wooden board pieces together]
Squidward: [paints some wave-shaped pieces of cardboard]
Mr. Krabs: [pulls on a rope and releases the Jolly Roger]
Patrick: [glues the final wood piece to the rest to make the rim of the ship]
Mr. Krabs: Way to go, fellars.
Grandpa Redbeard: [swings to the ship] Hee-ar!
Mr. Krabs: He's comin'!
Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har!
Mr. Krabs: Hide me, boy.
Grandpa Redbeard: Eugene, me boy! Aye, it's good to see you and yer ship after so many moons! Just beginin' to think you was lyin' to yer old granddad!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I...Heh, heh. So, have ya met me hearties?
Grandpa Redbeard: Hm...this might be a pirate crew. But more miserable jellyfishers than swarvy brine-skimmers.
SpongeBob: Um...
Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har! I'm just yankin' yer chain, boy! You look like a fine pirate crew.
Mr. Krabs: Oh.
Grandpa Redbeard: Now, let's see what this rusty old pelican can do! Let's sail!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Aye, sir!
SpongeBob: Ahoy, Captain! We be catchin' a mighty gale from the northeast.
Mr. Krabs: Indeed, indeed. And just look at the treacherous surf in our path!
Squidward: [hanging from the front of the ship and moving the pieces of cardboard he painted to make it look like waves]
Patrick: [hanging from the window. He takes a drink of water and spits it on Grandpa Redbeard]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that salty sea air be so thick, ya can almost taste it.
Grandpa Redbeard: Aye.
Mr. Krabs: I better take the helm and guide us to safer waters. Aye, that be a wicked soundin' wind out there, eh, Granddad? I said, "Aye, that be a wicked soundin' wind out there!"
SpongeBob: Oh! [turns on a record player. It makes wind noises]
Mr. Krabs: There it is! That wind storm I mentioned earlier, it...and, apparently me cabin is haunted as well.
Grandpa Redbeard: [picks up a hair net] What's a hair net doin' on a pirate ship? Every pirate knows that the majority of his daily nutrition comes from whatever hair or skin flakes fall off the coke and into the stew. This hair net is deprivi' your crew of their essential nutrients.
Mr. Krabs: Uh, just a sec. [turns a video projector on] Look out, Grandpa! We're under attack! [The video projector shows a kraken emerging from the water]
Kraken: Grrrrrr....
Grandpa Redbeard: Aye, look at the size of that beast.
Mr. Krabs: Not to worry, Granddad. [grabs a harpoon]
Grandpa Redbeard: Aha! That's the stuff!
Mr. Krabs: [throws harpoon] Yaahh! Uh... good toss, eh, Granddad?
Grandpa Redbeard: Whah!
SpongeBob: [catches the harpoon]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, nothing. Look! [The video projector shows a harpoon landing on the Kraken and knocking him underwater]
Grandpa Redbeard: Har, har, har, har! That's me boy!
Mr. Krabs: Clear!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
Patrick: Hooray!
SpongeBob: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Krabs: Sounds like we got a prize. [whispering] Ready, Squidward?
Squidward: You owe me big time, Mr. Krabs. [takes off his bandana and inflates his head]
Mr. Krabs: Ar! Take that, ya, ya scurvy dog! Woo! Check the size of this, Granddad.[He is holding Squidward, who looks like the Kraken] Check the... Granddad?
Grandpa Redbeard: Ahoy! Trouble aproachin' quick! Approximately ten clips of the starboard bow! Man your battle stations!
Mr. Krabs: Oh no. If Granddad sees something, it must be the real deal.
Grandpa Redbeard: What have ya got, cotton in yer ears?! Move!
SpongeBob: [stacks some bags of sand]
Patrick: [raises the Jolly Roger]
Squidward: [reading a book]
Mr. Krabs: What exactly are we dealin' with, Grandpa?
Grandpa Redbeard: Somethin' bigger than I've ever seen! A ravin' garganst comin' by with coarsmatic tangled locks!
Mr. Krabs: [Gasp!] Oh, so depulsive.
Grandpa Redbeard: Yeah. It must be destroyed! Here, see for yourself. [gives Mr. Krabs a telescope]
Mr. Krabs: Go get it, Granddad.
Pearl: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. What kinda disgusting, horrible abomination is dare invade me vessel? [looks over the rim of the ship]
Pearl: Dad!
Mr. Krabs: [Gasp!] That disgusting, horrible thing is me daughter!
Grandpa Redbeard: [points a cannon at Pearl]
Pearl: Open up!
Grandpa Redbeard: Prepare to meet yer maker, sea witch.
Mr. Krabs: Nooooo! [puts out the fuse on the cannon]
Grandpa Redbeard: What are ya doin'?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I, oh, I was just checkin' the cannon and makin' sure it was loaded. [The cannon collapses]
Grandpa Redbeard: [touches the cannon] Papier-mâché? What is this?!
Mr. Krabs: I can explain.
Pearl: Dad! Dad!
Grandpa Redbeard: Now it's even more angry!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry! I have it under control! [jumps off the ship]
Pearl: Daddy!
Mr. Krabs: Pearl! Could ya pipe down? Your Great-Granddad Redbeard is in there!
Pearl: What's with the lame outfit?
Mr. Krabs: What? Oh, never mind that! [pushes Pearl away] Just go home. [climbs back up the ship]
Grandpa Redbeard: [breaks a cardboard wave]
Mr. Krabs: I bet you're wondering about that.
Grandpa Redbeard: Ar, you're darn tootin' I am!
Patrick: [spits on Grandpa Redbeard and gurgles, then Mr. Krabs covers his mouth]
Mr. Krabs: Do you mind? [they then hear wind record from a record player]
Grandpa Redbeard: What kinda ship are you runnin' here? SpongeBob: ♪ Workin' at the Krusty Krab! Workin' at the Krusty Krab! La, la, la! Loo...♪ Squidward? Squidward? [snaps fingers four times] Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: Hm? Oh! I couldn't be better!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! It happened again, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about?
SpongeBob: It's Squidward!
Squidward: [smiling and staring into the distance]
SpongeBob: What is it about the third Wednesday of every month that makes Squidward so happy?
Roger: Psst. Squidward?
Squidward: Roger! Is that you?
Roger: Tonight's the big night!
Squidward: [Gasp!]
[A few hours pass. It is now nighttime.]
SpongeBob: (seen in eyeballs with Patrick's eyeballs) These camouflage outfits should help us find out what Squidward's secret Wednesday secret is! [SpongeBob and Patrick take eyeballs from the bushes at SpongeBob's house and put them on their faces]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]
Squidward: [walks out of his house]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [dive into kelp. When Squidward walks away, they follow him]
Squidward: [sitting at bus stop. The bus arrives, and Squidward gets in]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [hiding under Squidward's bus seat]
[The bus arrives at a strange, pyramid-shaped building, which is the Cephalopod Lodge. Squidward gets off the bus]
Squidward: Hello, Brother Roger.
Squidward and Brother Roger: [do a secret hand-shake]
Brother Roger: Come right in, Brother Squidward.
Squidward: Thank you. [Enters the Cephalopod Lodge Ceremony]
Lodge members: [talking]
Squidward: [sighs while wears his lodge outfit] This almost makes the other 353 days worth living for.
[Gong crashes as all cephalopod lodge members form a line to meet their leader to begin the initiation ceremony.]
Lodge leader: For centuries, cephalopods have had but one nemesis. Let he among you who wishes to join the lodge face your greatest fear. Cantankerous Moray Eelius!
Lodge members: [all gasp]
Cantankerous Moray Eelius: Huh? [sighs]
New lodge member: [shivering and whimpering while walking up to the moray eelius's cage]
Squidward: I'll never forget my initiation ceremony.
New lodge member: [shivering and whimpering]
Cantankerous Moray Eelius: [stings new lodge member]
Lodge members: [cheering]
Brother Roger: [puts lodge hat on a new lodge member]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [clapping]
SpongeBob: Yeah! Way to go!
Patrick: Yeah! Way to go!
Lodge members: [all gasp]
Lodge leader: [gasps]
Squidward: [gasps]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [clapping as Lodge Members chatter]
Squidward: SpongeBob? Patrick? Did you follow me here?! [SpongeBob nods his head as a yes, but Patrick shakes his head as a no]
Lodge leader: Brother Squidward! For thousands of years, no outsiders have witnessed this sacred initiation. You have desecrated the sanctity of this lodge!
Squidward: [nervously] But... but I... I... I... I...
Squidward and SpongeBob: [get kicked out of lodge and they scream. Squidward lands with his head stuck in the ground. He flails about wildly and we hear muffled shouting coming from him. SpongeBob pulls him out of the dirt except Patrick, who is kicked out because he doesn't scream]
Squidward: [sighs] I can't believe it. They kicked me out of the Cephalopod Lodge!
SpongeBob: Do we get to join the lodge?
Squidward: Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?
SpongeBob: [gasps] How did you know?
Squidward: Psychic powers. Hey, where's Patrick?
SpongeBob: Maybe he got to join the lodge!
Patrick: [falls out of the sky and crushes Squidward]
SpongeBob: Or... maybe not. They didn't let you join either?
Patrick: Nah. I found the institution had nothing of to offer me. I was stagnating.
SpongeBob: Hey, where's Squidward?
Patrick: Hold on. [shakes right leg. Nothing happens. He shakes his left leg]
Squidward: [head pops out of Patrick's shorts]
Patrick: Found Squidward. [pulls Squidward out of his shorts. Then, pulls the hat out and puts it on Squidward's head, and SpongeBob claps]
Squidward: The last thing in my life I really enjoyed. And SpongeBob ruined it, too. [Sighs]
Patrick: Well, at least you still have the hat.
Squidward: Yeah. [sniffles] I do, don't I?
Brother Roger: Eh, hem. [takes Squidward's hat]
SpongeBob: You still have your robes.
Brother Roger: [takes Squidward's robes]
Patrick: You still have your underwear.
Brother Roger: [takes Squidward's underwear]
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: [covers his own eyes and Patrick's]
Squidward: [pulls on his regular shirt] You can look now.
SpongeBob: Don't you worry, Squidward. I'm sure if Patrick and I just explain what happened, they're sure to let you back in.
[knocks on Cephalopod Lodge door]
Brother Roger: What is it? Oh, it’s you two.
SpongeBob: We just came to explain that Squidward had no idea that we followed him to the lodge. So, it's not his fault.
Patrick: Yeah. Not his fault.
Brother Roger: Then whose fault was it?
Patrick: Was it my fault?
SpongeBob: No, it wasn't your fault, Patrick.
Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. And it wasn't your fault either.
Brother Roger: Well, if it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Squidward's fault, whose fault was it?
Patrick: Uh... maybe it's your fault.
Brother Roger: Squidward is never allowed in this lodge again!
Squidward: SpongeBob! Are they letting me back in the lodge?!
SpongeBob: No. You can't set foot in the lodge.
Patrick: Ever!
Squidward: [sniffles] Oh. Now that you two have ruined the last good thing in my life, I think I'll go slam my head in the door. Repeatedly.
SpongeBob: Squidward, wait! I'm sorry we got you kicked out of your lodge. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Squidward: No. Why didn't you just make up your own dumb club instead of ruining mine?!
SpongeBob: That's it! [jumps on Squidward] Squidward! We'll make our own club! And it'll be so much better than that dumb old Cephalop-olaphapa Lodge, and you can be our leader! How great does that sound, O Mighty One? Wanna join our club, Patrick?
Patrick: Dog-pile on Squidward!
Squidward: Ah! [the three walk back home]
SpongeBob: Squidward, you're the lodge expert. What do we do first?
Squidward: Say goodbye. [enters his house]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Goodbye!
Squidward: Morons.
SpongeBob: [climbs in through Squidward's window] So anyway, Squidward, I was thinking we should be working on our secret lodge initiation.
Patrick: [falls through Squidward's window] Hey.
SpongeBob: Patrick and I have come up with a secret hand-shake.
Patrick: Secret!
SpongeBob: [claps hands over head]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Patty-cake, patty-cake, sailor man! Bake me a cake as fast...
Squidward: SpongeBob! That's not a secret hand-shake! Everybody knows Patty-cake!
SpongeBob: Not the way we do it.
Patrick: We don't use our pinkies.
Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick out of his house] Out!
Patrick: I don't think Squidward wants to join our lodge.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure he does. He just needs a little push. [knocks on Squidward's door]
Squidward: Oh, what now? I'm coming! What do you... Great. Must be one of SpongeBob's pranks.
SpongeBob: [traps Squidward in a light brown bag] Let's move. [SpongeBob and Patrick carry the bag away]
[They arrive at Jellyfish Fields]
SpongeBob: Okay, we can let him out now.
Squidward: Are you insane? You kidnapped me?
SpongeBob: Oh, we didn't kidnap you. We just brought you here for...
Patrick: Initiation.
Squidward: What? What kind of initiation?
SpongeBob: A very special initiation. [pulls a jellyfish out of his net]
Squidward: Oh, boy. Look at the time! Gotta run.
Patrick: [smashes Squidward to the ground]
SpongeBob: Would you care to go first, Brother Patrick?
Patrick: After you, Brother SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [flicks the jellyfish and puts it on his tongue] Ow! Ooo, ooo! Ow! [gibberish] Brother Patrick?
Patrick: Brother SpongeBob. [slaps the jellyfish and puts it on his tongue] Aaahhhh! [gibberish] Brother Squidward? [pulls Squidward's tongue and puts the jellyfish on it]
Squidward: [jumps into the air and screams]
[Bubble transition to the next morning. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are all back at home as Squidward had his tongue pain of a jellyfish last night.]
Unknown person: [knocks on Squidward's door]
Squidward: What's this? Can it be? My lodge robes! I'm back in the lodge! I gotta try 'em on! [He comes out of his room, dressed in a chicken suit instead of a lodge robe] Huh? This can't be right! These aren't my cephalopod robes!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling. They are in chicken suits, too.]
SpongeBob: They sure aren't! They're your uniform for your new lodge! Welcome to the first official meeting of... The Feather Friends.
Squidward: Feather Friends?
SpongeBob: Somebody already had Feather Buddies.
Patrick: Yeah. Those Feather Buddies better hope they don't run into us in a dark alley.
Squidward: [growls, rips his chicken suit in half] I don't want to be a Feather Buddy!
SpongeBob: Do you still wanna be a Feather Friend?
Squidward: [growls] No.
SpongeBob: Aw... Squidward, I hadn't realized how special your lodge was to you. I'll get you back in that club. And I know just how to do it. [takes off his chicken suit] Everything we need is in this drawer. [pulls Squidward's sock out of the drawer]
Squidward: A sock?
SpongeBob: Not just a sock, a disguise. Patrick and I will climb inside the sock and pretend to be a giant albino eel. We will then gain entrance to the lodge and frighten everyone inside. Once they're good and terrified, you, Squidward, will storm in, defeat that giant eel, and rescue all the lodge members. You'll be a hero, Squidward! They'll have to let you back in the lodge!
Patrick: Hm. It's genius. But, I see one flaw in your plan.
Squidward: One flaw?
Patrick: That sock is way too small.
SpongeBob: Yeah, it is. Time to break out the heavy artillery! [grabs a real-life giant sock]
Patrick: That's what I'm talkin' about!
[Bubble transition to nighttime at the Cephalopod Lodge.]
Albino eel (SpongeBob): Okay, Squidward. Just give us five minutes and then do your stuff.
Albino eel (SpongeBob and Patrick): [walk to the lodge]
Squidward: Huh.
French Narrator: 5 minutes later...
Squidward: [walks to the lodge] This is ridiculous. No one is dumb enough to believe SpongeBob and Patrick are a... a... giant albino eel!
Lodge members: [screaming and running]
Patrick: Roooo!
SpongeBob: Roar!
Lodge members: [screaming and running]
Patrick: Roo!
SpongeBob: Roar!
Squidward: Unbelievable.
Lodge member: Squidward!
Brother Roger: Look out!
Lodge member: There's a giant albino eel on the loose!
Squidward: [clears throat] Do not worry. I will save you. Be gone, foul beast, or, I will smite thee. [punches the sock twice]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh! Oh, ow! Ow! Oof! [sock flattens and collapses]
Lodge members: [cheering] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Squidward: [laughing]
Brother Roger: [gives Squidward his hat and robes]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [cheering]
SpongeBob: Way to go, Squidward.
Patrick: It works!
Lodge Members: [growling]
Squidward: [chuckles nervously] Whoa! Whoo...!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: [get kicked out of lodge and they scream again]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. We still have the Feather Friends.
Patrick: [holds a jellyfish] But you'll have to pass the initiation again.
Squidward: [screaming] No!
[Patrick grabs Squidward's tongue, so Squidward faces the screen. The screen then fades to black, and we can hear a sting. Squidward screams really loudly, ending the episode.]
Mr. Krabs: Just a second. [removes the wind record from the record player and throws it on Grandpa Redbeard's nose]
Grandpa Redbeard: Arrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrr!
Mr. Krabs: Now, Granddad. There's a simple explanation.
Grandpa Redbeard: I've smelled sticky things, but nothin' smells stickier than a lie! The code that all pirates live by, you knows what it is, don't ya?
Mr. Krabs: Of course I do, Granddad.
Grandpa Redbeard: Well, then, say it!
Mr. Krabs: It's, it's, it's a pirate never lies! [starts crying] And I've been a dirty liar! Everything you see is a lie! This sail is a lie! [tears down the sail] This crew is a lie! [rips their pirate clothes, leaving SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward, naked.] Even the ship is a lie! [takes a ball and breaks the roof of the ship, which made SpongeBob, Patrick & Squidward ran away. He destroys the whole ship, leaving the KK standing] All of it! All a lie!
Grandpa Redbeard: Krabby Patties: $2.00. Krusty Combo: $3.99! Coral Bits: $1.95?!
Mr. Krabs: You see, Granddad? I'm no pirate. I'm just a lowly restaurant owner! I'm sorry I failed ye.
Grandpa Redbeard: Fail, me boy?! Ha, ha, ha! Why, I couldn't be more proud. Look at yer ludicrous prices! Now, that's real piracy. Ya done good, boy-o!
Mr. Krabs: Really? Thanks, Granddad!
Grandpa Redbeard: Why, thank yourself, lad! You created this dynasty on yer own! Now, I'll be takin' me lead, boy!
Mr. Krabs: Goodbye, Granddad! What an honest man!
Grandpa Redbeard: [steals Mr. Krabs' money] I hope ya don't mind, boy-o, but I helped myself to a little bit of yer booty! [laughs]
Mr. Krabs: I knew I got me talent from someone! [laughs]