[The episode begins in Jellyfish Fields]

SpongeBob: Breaker, breaker outer perimeter, looks clear. Over.

Patrick: Robert, Robert... uhh... Ronald, Ronald, Ryan.

SpongeBob: Are you sure you're not trying to say Roger?

Patrick: Oh, wait, I got it. Ringo...

[SpongeBob sees jellyfish.]

SpongeBob: Patrick, we have visual contact. Now taking evasive action. Subject still in close proximity. Over.

Patrick: Hello?

SpongeBob: Please reply.

Patrick: I wonder if I can order pizza with these things.

SpongeBob: Please, contact immanent Patrick. Respond now. Please. Please!

Patrick: SpongeBob, you're gonna need to speak up. My eardrums aren't what they used to be.

SpongeBob: I can't speak up Patrick, there's a jellyfish here and I'm worried it might sting me if I make any loud... [SpongeBob bumps Patrick and he screams] noises.

Patrick: Oops. [they run away. The jellyfish shrugs it off]

SpongeBob: Is he still after us, Patrick?

Patrick: I don't know, buddy!

SpongeBob: Should we turn around and check?

Patrick: Okay. [they both turn around and trip over something]

SpongeBob: Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.

Patrick: I think I landed on a rock. [Patrick shows a big rock on the back of his head.]

SpongeBob: Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.

Patrick: That's just Squidward sunbathing again. [Patrick points to Squidward who lowers down his sunglasses.]

SpongeBob: No, not that, Patrick. This!

Patrick: What is it?

SpongeBob: I don't know. I think there's something buried underneath it. And I'm gonna go get some shovels so we can dig it up.

Patrick: We?

[cut to large piles of dirt]

SpongeBob: Phew! Nothing like a little manual labor to put some hair on your chest, eh, Patrick?

Patrick: I'll say. [his entire chest is covered with hair while monkey sounds are heard.]

SpongeBob: Plus look at what we unearthed! A UFO! [it's actually a submarine. He looks inside] Go on, you first. [Patrick climbs down a ladder with SpongeBob following] Kinda dark, huh?

Patrick: Yeah, dark.

SpongeBob: Well, there's gotta be a light switch around here somewhere. Found it. Excuse me, sir. [pulls off a skeleton and proceeds to start the submarine] Hey, Patrick, look! We're moving! And here's the steering wheel!

Patrick: Now hold it, SpongeBob. You better let me drive.

SpongeBob: Gimme that wheel!

Patrick: No! Let go! I wanna drive! [the submarine goes crazy. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: I don't understand, Squidward. Where are all the customers? I know the Krusty Krab isn't Bikini Bottom's most prestigious eatery, but at least it's better than that salty old Chum Bucket across the street. And that's our only competition.

Squidward: Am I getting paid extra for this conversation?

Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on, Squidward. Can't you just pretend to listen for once in your life? Do it for old Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Well, since you can't bring any customers into the Krusty Krab, have you ever thought about bringing the Krusty Krab to the customers?

Mr. Krabs: Quiet, Squidward, I'm brainstorming! Ooh, ooh! What if instead of bringing customers to the Krusty Krab, we could bring the Krusty Krab to the customers?

Squidward: La la la la la la la la la la la la.

Mr. Krabs: Yes, of course! But how? [the submarine crashes into the Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: Can we park here? [Squidward looks up] Hey, Mr. Krabs! Look what Patrick and I found! We're gonna use it to go on a long journey.

Patrick: Or even around the block!

Mr. Krabs: That's it! We'll take the Krusty Krab on the road. [cuts to outside] So long, boys. Make me lots of money!

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward. Bye, Mr. Krabs. [flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick: You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob: I like Squidward.

Plankton: [looking through a telescope] A traveling restaurant, eh? It's not fair! I had that idea years ago! No matter. If Mr. Krabs wants to play dirty, then Plankton's ready for his turn to take his turn. [laughs and turns the fist from the Chum Bucket building into a flying vehicle]

SpongeBob: Hello!

Con Man: Hello.

SpongeBob: Could I interest you in a Krabby Patty?

Con Man: No thanks.

Patrick: Now what?

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. Mr. Krabs said if we didn't find customers, not to come back. [to Con Man] Are you sure you don't want to be our first customer, sir?

Con Man: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. [starts to walk away]

SpongeBob: Wait! We'll pay ya!

Con Man: Hey, thanks again, guys. Good luck with the restaurant!

SpongeBob: Thank you, sir, come again!

Plankton: Those nincompoops are better salesmen than I suspected. [an alarm sets off]

Karen: Customer approaching.

Plankton: Hello, little boy. Would you like a chum burger?

Boy: Uh, does it come in raspberry?

Plankton: Um, no.

Boy: Blueberry?

Plankton: No.

Boy: Um... raspberry?

Plankton: Ah, come on, kid. You asked me that already. Now quit wasting my time!

Mable: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?

Plankton: I'm Plankton, you old hag. And your son smells like boogers!

Truck Driver: Hey, you can't talk about my wife that way! What do you think this is?!

Plankton: I think it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty. That's what it is.

Mary: Hey, you can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone oughta put you in a mental hospital!

Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floatin' down the river, Grandma!

Mary: You're probably right.

Plankton: You people are crazy. I'm getting out of here. [a person throws a rock at him] What the? [the crowd starts throwing rocks] No! Controls malfunctioning! [people continue to throw rocks] Get away!

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Yeah?

SpongeBob: Weren't you supposed to be on kitchen duty? [cut to the kitchen, where the patties are burnt like patty rocks] Oh, no! You burnt all the patties! It's hard as a rock. How are we gonna find somebody who would buy these?

Truck Driver: [sees there are no more rocks] Hey, the rocks are all gone.

Crowd: Awwww! [Plankton smiles, but sees SpongeBob coming]

SpongeBob: Folks, have I got a deal for you. [the crowd sees the hard patties of rocks and eagerly buy them]

Jack M. Crazyfish: All right, get him! [they start to throw the patty rocks at Plankton]

Plankton: Aaah! Hey!

SpongeBob: Won't Mr. Krabs be so proud of us when he finds out how good we're doing? See any new customers, Patrick?

Patrick: No, but I see a sign. It says. "Warning: Ab... eyes?"

SpongeBob: Here, let me see. [looks through periscope] No, Patrick, that says "abyss."

Patrick: Oh, okay. What's an abyss, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: An abyss is a bottomless... [turns around, the submarine falls down the abyss] ...chasm! [an alarm goes off] Pat, we're falling!

Patrick: And now we're being bathed in an eerie red light!

Plankton: [he sees them falling] Yes! Yes!

Patrick: [the submarine loses its bolts and breaks in the water] And now, a deafening warning siren. [SpongeBob imitates the sound. the submarine hits a sludgy item, which turns out to be the head of the Sea Monster]

Sea Monster: [roars]

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We've floated back up, out of the deep, dark, depressing, horrible abyss! [looks at the Sea Monster]

Sea Monster: Hey! [he grabs the submarine and looks into it] Who are you calling dark and depressing?

SpongeBob: Daa! We didn't mean it that way, Mr. Sea Monster, sir. What we really wanna know is... are you hungry?

Sea Monster: Hungry? I've been asleep for 79 years. Which means my last meal was 79 years ago. Yes, I'm hungry.

SpongeBob: Then try one of our Krabby Patties.

Sea Monster: [eats the Krabby Patty] Mmm! That's the best thing I've tasted since that sewer spill, back in... '76. I'll take 640 of them.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Woo-hoo!

Patrick: Order... uh... up! [the Sea Monster gives them large wads of cash]

Plankton: Now that those two are out of the picture, all of the customers will come running to me. [looks at the Sea Monster paying them big money [literally], he rips off the periscope out of fury] This calls for drastic-er-est measures! [Plankton goes into the abyss] Okay, you bums, time for the second course; Chum Charges!

Patrick: [the Chum Charges explode around the submarine] SpongeBob! Our hull's been breached. Do you know what that means?

SpongeBob: No!

Patrick: [after a pause] Neither do I!

Plankton: Yes! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the Krusty Krab! I sunk the... Huh?! [Plankton sees the vehicle crashing into a cavern wall] Ah, who needs that old Rust Bucket anyhow.

Sea Monster: Come on in there! I want more sandwiches!

Patrick: [a piece of chum enters the submarine] SpongeBob, look!

SpongeBob: What is it?

Patrick: It's a liquid.

SpongeBob: No, it's a solid! It's a solid!

SpongeBob and Patrick: It's a "lol-squid."

Sea Monster: All right, what's going on in there? [he sees the Chum Patty] Hey, that looks like a sandwich to me!

SpongeBob: But not just a sandwich. It's a...Chum-Wich.

Sea Monster: [eats it and likes it] Mmm! Now that's a sandwich!

[cut to a sequence of SpongeBob making Chum-Wiches, Patrick collecting the Chum, and the Sea Monster paying them for the Chum-Wiches.]

SpongeBob: [the monster's belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?

Sea Monster: I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]

SpongeBob: We - we don't have desserts.

Plankton: [lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my... [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and screams as he rolls into some wet mud, hits a rock and lands next to the Sea Mosnter's foot.]

Sea Monster: [looks at Plankton] Hey, a chocolate éclair. [to audience] Now that looks like dessert to me.

Plankton: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You - you've got it all wrong, see... Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss. cut to the Krusty Krab]

Janitor: [repairing the windows SpongeBob and Patrick broke previously] There you are, Mr. Krabs, just like new again.

Squidward: Now all we have to do is keep SpongeBob away from the... [the submarine crashes into the windows again]

SpongeBob: We're back, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Tell me all about it. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!

SpongeBob: You wouldn't believe it Mr. Krabs, we had so many new customers!

Mr. Krabs: I don't care about that. Tell me about the money.

SpongeBob: There we were at the bottom of a deep, dark, abyss. And we had to let go of something heavy.

Patrick: And paper.

Mr. Krabs: You let go of all the money I earned as ballast?!

SpongeBob: [he and Patrick nod their heads; Mr. Krabs turns to the camera, upset] But on the bright side, we did manage to bring back 37,000 pounds of these decorative deep sea rocks! [they spill out, leaving Mr. Krabs puzzled]