[The episode starts up with Pearl sleeping until the radio wakes her up.]

Radio: Good morning, Bikini Bottom! It's a very special day today because we have got the new single from Boys Who Cry: 'It's All About You'.

Boys Who Cry [on radio]: [singing] It's all about you girl, On your sixteenth birthday! Pay attention to you girl, Everyone has to do just what you say. [a spotlight shines on Pearl] You get your very own spotlight tonight, 'Cause it's all about you! Yeah, it's all about Pearl! You're the birthday girl!

Pearl: Yeah! It's all about me! [comes out a car as people take pictures of Pearl as she walks on a red carpet wearing her pink prom dress] On my 16th birthday, [kisses, cuts to stuff falling down] I want music, and clothes, and shiny things! So give it up right away! Everybody in the whole wide world, They have to pay attention to me! It's all about me, me, and guess who? Me! [the crowd runs away as Pearl wakes up from her dream] Oops!

Mr. Krabs: [Pearl crashes through the ceiling and into the kitchen on the ground floor] Neptune's trousers!

Pearl: Morning, daddy!

Mr. Krabs: Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a room on the ground floor?

Pearl: Oh, daddy. I'm just excited because tomorrow's a very special day.

Mr. Krabs: [gulps] It is? [Pearl glares at him] Oh, I mean, it is! Very special! Very, very special, indeed!

Pearl: You have no idea what day tomorrow is, do you?

Mr. Krabs: Not at all.

Pearl: It's my 16th birthday! [outside, Mr. Krabs' house is lifted over the bubble]

Mr. Krabs: I knew that! How could you think I wouldn't know that? What are you gonna be, 12?

Pearl: [angrily] I'm going to be 16! It's only the most important birthday in my entire life. If I don't have a completely awesome party, my whole high school reputation will collapse. I'll have to drop out, I won't go off to college, I'll never leave home! You'll have to support me for the rest of my life!

Mr. Krabs: [nervously chuckles] Well, we don't want that to happen.

Pearl: Then promise me you'll give me a real party this year. And don't be cheap! [Mr. Krabs nods. Later at the high school] Hi, girls!

Judy: Hi, Pearl.

Pearl: Are you guys coming to my totally coral birthday party tomorrow?

Judy: I don't know, Pearl. Is this going to be as "totally coral" as last year, when your dad passed out paper clips as party favors? [the girls laugh]

Friend #1: Remember the time we all had to share one balloon? [balloon floats up] Please!

Friend #2: Remember the pony ride? [wooden horse with a paint can as a head and a broom stick as a tail]

Friend #1: I can't wait to see how he ruins this year. [the girls laugh as Pearl runs out of school, crying. She heads towards the Krusty Krab]

Pearl: Daddy!

Mr. Krabs: [hears Pearl coming] Uh-oh. Everybody brace for impact! [a violent earthquake occurs, and everyone panics as Pearl enters the restaurant]

Pearl: [approaches Mr. Krabs] Tell me you've got something totally coral planned for my birthday party.

Mr. Krabs: Now, now, don't snap your mizzenmast. Everything is all set. Why, I've already got the party favors, bubble wrap! [pops the bubble wrap] This year's gonna be a blast!

Pearl: Daddy! You've ruined all my birthday parties, but you better not ruin this one. Now promise me you won't be cheap!

Mr. Krabs: [gulps] I promise.

Pearl: Good, because I made a list. [list rolls out of the Krusty Krab and down the road. Mr. Krabs rolls it up] Now I want everything on this list at my party. [kisses her dad and runs out] Bye! I'll be at the mall with my friends.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: While I plan the party, I want you to buy Pearl's present. [takes out his credit card] Here you go, boy.

SpongeBob: What's this, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: It's me credit card. You use it instead of money.

SpongeBob: I can buy stuff with just this piece of plastic? I don't need money?

Mr. Krabs: Exactly.

SpongeBob: Whoa.

Mr. Krabs: Now remember, nothin's too good for me little Pearl. I wanted to give her nothing, [mockingly] but she's too good for that. Now follow her around and see what she likes. You know, do some detective work.

SpongeBob: Detective work. I'm going undercover.

[Later at the Bikini Bottom Mall.]

Pearl: So, that's when Marcy told me that Julie said that Angela did like Brad.

Friend #1: Oh.

SpongeBob: [peeking through a plant as he writes something down on a notepad] Angela likes Brad.

Pearl: [holding up a purple, plastic comb] Oh, my gosh, this is the greatest thing I have seen in the whole world!

SpongeBob: [runs up to the cashier] I'd like to buy that piece of plastic with this piece of plastic. [giggles]

Cashier: [looking at the credit card] Mr. Krabs, huh? Quick, how do you spell "Krabs"?

SpongeBob: Umm...I'm pretty sure it has a 'B' in it?

Cashier: Close enough. [swipes the credit card through the machine] There you go, kid.

SpongeBob: That's it? Hmmm, I'll never understand the workings of high finance.

Pearl: [holding up lip gloss] Wow! This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in the whole world! Glitter gloss!

SpongeBob: Oh, no! I bought the wrong present!

Judy: Pearl, you have got to see this!

Pearl: Coming, Judy!

Mary: Oh...hmmm... [mirror flips around revealing SpongeBob. He takes the glitter gloss away from the elderly fish and the mirror flips back around]

SpongeBob: Now this is obviously the greatest present ever.

Pearl: [squeals] This is the greatest thing in the whole world! [SpongeBob sighs. Back at the Krusty Krab where Squidward is nailing down a banner that reads 'IT’S A BOY!' (with the word “Boy” crossed out and “Girl” written next to it)]

Squidward: The banner's up, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: I've had that since the day she was born. I got it on sale.

Squidward: I'm sure she'll love it, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows his nose with a tissue]

[Back at the mall.]

Pearl: This sea pony is the cutest thing ever. Do you want to come home and be my pony? [pony imagines Pearl being on its back] Whee! [pony shakes its head]

Judy: Pearl, come here. This is so coral. [SpongeBob is disguised as a dog fish next to the pony]

Pearl: Oh, my gosh, it's Billy Fishkins!

All: Hi, Billy!

Billy: Meep. [all sighing. SpongeBob, dressed up as a girl, sighs after they do]

SpongeBob: [girly voice] Isn't he dreamy? [SpongeBob takes Billy and hands him to the cashier]

Cashier: Price check on 4.

Billy: Meep?

[Back at the Krusty Krab.]

Squidward: I finished Pearl's portrait, Mr. Krabs. It's a true masterpiece. [reveals a meat sculpture of Pearl]

Mr. Krabs: Hey...maybe I should have hired that ice sculptor.

Squidward: Ice sculptor? Any fool can sculpt in ice. It takes true genius to transform 400 pounds of raw Krabby Patties into a work of such majesty.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Well, we've got the decor covered. Now how about entertainment? [looks at the list] Let me see here. Pearl wants some boy band called 'Boys Who Cry'.

Squidward: Boys Who Cry? They're my favorite band! They charge a million dollars just to show up. And if you want them to lip-sync, it'll run into real money.

Mr. Krabs: You're a real fan, huh?

Squidward: Oh, yeah, I know all their songs.

Mr. Krabs: Hmm, all their songs?

[Back at the mall where Pearl and her friends are gazing at a bunch of things and SpongeBob buys them all, including a dress, sunglasses, a pair of platform shoes, and other gifts.]

Pearl: Wouldn't it be cool if my dad got me this for my birthday?

Judy: It sure would be. If he was cool, which he's not. [laughs]

Pearl: Yeah, he probably got me another box of staples. [SpongeBob appears on the boat]

[Back at the Krusty Krab.]

Mr. Krabs: It's almost time for the party to start!

SpongeBob: I'm back, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what took you so long? [lifting SpongeBob] And where's Pearl's present?

SpongeBob: The delivery truck will be here momentarily.

Squidward: Here she comes, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Ooh, everybody get into position! [Pearl and friends enter]

All: Happy birthday! [everyone is standing in front of the banner that reads 'IT'S A BOY GIRL']

Judy: "It's a boy"?! [the girls laugh]

Pearl: Daddy! [Pearl’s friends walk over to the popcorn machine and try a bite. All gag & cough up the popcorn]

Judy: Stale popcorn. [they walk over to the punch bowl and take a sip] It tastes like dishwater!

Squidward: It is dishwater. [the girls cough out the punch]

Pearl: [notices the sculpture] Is that supposed to be me? [head falls off] It's made out of Krabby Patties! Gross!

Mr. Krabs: Who wants cake?

Pearl: Well, the cake does look good. [all take a bite, but spit it right back out] It's made out of cardboard!

Mr. Krabs: And frosting.

Judy: Well, Pearl, sixteen lame parties in a row. Must be a new record. Let's get out of here.

Pearl: Wait, don't leave! My dad got Boys Who Cry to play. You did get Boys Who Cry, right? [Glaring crossed-arms at her dad]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, even better, sweetie. Hit it! [curtain unfolds as R & B Music begins to play with Squidward standing on the stage]

Squidward: Hello, ladies. [sings] When my tear ducts give issue, I can't use just any tissue... I need 4-Ply, 4-Ply, 4-Ply, when I cry... Huh!

Friend #2: Hey, that is not Boys Who Cry!

Judy: Yeah! [cut to Squidward shaking his rear end]

Friend #2: Boo!

Judy: What a rip-off!

Friend #1: This stinks!

Pearl: Daddy, how could you? I... gave... you... a list! [runs out crying]

Mr. Krabs: Pearl, come back! [crowd throws tomatoes, eggs and Pearl’s meat head at Squidward]

Pearl: You've ruined everything! You couldn't stop being cheap, even for me! [cries]

Mr. Krabs: I'll make it up to you somehow, Pearl.

SpongeBob: That's it. Back it up. Right there. Let 'er go! [the dump truck full of presents unloads them all]

Pearl: You bought me a boat?

Mr. Krabs: I did? I mean... I did?!

Friends: Wow.

Pearl: Oh, Daddy! I don't know how it could get better than this.

SpongeBob: Just watch. [signals on his walkie-talkie] Hit it, boys! [the big present at the top opens up, and Boys Who Cry start singing]

Boys Who Cry: ♪It's all about you girl, On your sixteenth birthday! Pay attention to you girl, Everyone has to do just what you say. You get your very own spotlight tonight, Cuz it's all about you! Yeah, it's all about Pearl! You're the birthday girl!♪ [as they sing, Pearl's friends faint]

Mr. Krabs: Boy, how much is all this costin' me?

SpongeBob: [shows Mr. Krabs the long receipt] Here's the receipt.

Mr. Krabs: [freaks out] I ought to...

Pearl: Oh, Daddy, you got me everything I wanted. [kisses her dad]

Mr. Krabs: Aw, nothing's too good for me daughter. Heh-heh.

SpongeBob: You're a good dad, Mr. Krabs.

[Cut to black]

Mr. Krabs: Don't push your luck, boy.