[Outside the Krusty Krab, a man is knocking on the doors.]

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a suit wants to come in before we open.

Mr. Krabs: What? Guy in a suit? No, it's a tax collector! [jumps inside SpongeBob’s mouth] Hide us, SpongeBob! [takes the register in with him] Now we'll walk nonchalantly to the rear exit. [Mr. Krabs legs stretch out of SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs starts walking with them, lifting SpongeBob off the ground. The man knocks on the door again and holds up his business card]

Squidward: He's got a card. [reading business card] R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending Supplies.

Mr. Krabs: What? My machine has arrived?! Oh, let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in! [gets out of SpongeBob, who returns to his normal shape and size]

R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in, boys. [a worker brings in the machine, while another worker looks around the place]

Mr. Krabs: That's it, set her down easy.

R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are the keys, Mr. Krabs. [as he hands Mr. Krabs the keys.] Happy vending!

Squidward: What is it?

Mr. Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the Krabby Patty. [as he reveals the machine covered up with a blanket] Gentlemen, meet Skill Crane!

SpongeBob: Ooh. Skill Crane.

Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing will pay for itself in no time. Which reminds me, step up, boys. First one's free. [takes out two golden coins]

SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. [takes coin]

Squidward: No, thanks, I'll pass.

Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Squidward, you know you want to.

Squidward: [sighs] Okay, if you insist. [takes coin and puts it in his pocket] Thanks.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the machine!

Squidward: All right, all right. [puts coin in machine and moves crane] Oh, boy, what fun. [crane almost pulls out a dinosaur]

Skill Crane: You lose!

Squidward: [Suddenly goes berserk] Did you see that, SpongeBob?! I almost got that on my first try!

Mr. Krabs: [Satisfied] My work here is done. [walks away]

Squidward: They don't call me Squidward 'Manual Dexterity' Tentacles for nothing. [moves his tentacles up and down and so does SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: Well, why don't I give it a try? [as he pulls out the quarter and puts it in the machine]

Squidward: Haha, good luck. You'll…

Skill Crane: Winner!

SpongeBob: It's a bear! I'm gonna call you Barry.

Squidward: Hmph, beginner's luck. Now it's the master's turn. [puts another coin in and grabs a cat. He mashes a button that says "Grab", but the crane drops the cat]

Skill Crane: Loser!

SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you flipped him over! [as Squidward looks at SpongeBob] That takes an awful amount of skill.

Squidward: Well, thank you for saying so.

SpongeBob: Barry says he's getting lonely. Don't worry, Barry, I'll get you a friend. [enters a coin in Skill Crane]

Squidward: Ha! If you think you're winning that thing again…

Skill Crane: Winner!

SpongeBob: There ya go, Barry. [shows a pink, fat cat with her tongue sticking out]

Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up for you. You would've never won that without my skill.

SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your help, Squidward. [walks off]

Squidward: Hmph. I bet I win at this thing the very next time I try. Now all I have to do is… [thought bubble with Mr. Krabs in it appears above Squidward]

Mr. Krabs: [echoing] At a quarter a pop, this thing pays for itself in no time.

Squidward: Ha! I'm not falling for that malarkey.

[Bubble transition to Squidward behind the register.]

SpongeBob: [Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a blue seahorse from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs as Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a rabbit from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs again as Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed pink prize animal from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [laughing from the kitchen] Okay, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Barry cooked this one all by himself. Oh, he makes me so proud.

Skill Crane: [distinct scratchy voice] Squid…ward. [crane swinging back and forth] Squid…ward.

Squidward: [sighs] Oh, what the… Alright. Let's get this over with.

Mr. Krabs: Need some change? [Squidward hands him the dollar, he swipes it out of his hand and gives him four coins in exchange] There ya are.

Squidward: Gee, thanks.

Mr. Krabs: No, no, Mr. Squidward. Thank you. [Squidward inserts coin in machine]

Skill Crane: You lose.

Mr. Krabs: Need some more change? [gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on losing over and over, dollar after dollar]

Skill Crane: You lose!

Mr. Krabs: Need some change?

Squidward: No.

Mr. Krabs: What? Why?

Squidward: [he shakes with fury, then turns to Mr. Krabs with squinted eyes; softly] Because... I'm... all... out... of... [yelling at Mr. Krabs] Money!

Mr. Krabs: All out of…? Hmmm.

[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs coming out of his office.]

Mr. Krabs: lBoys, it's payday.

SpongeBob: [gasps] But, Mr. Krabs, today is Monday.

Mr. Krabs: What the... No. It's payday, me boy. Here's your check, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Money, money, money, money, money!

Mr. Krabs: I took the liberty of turning your paycheck... [as he shows Squidward the bag of quarters] ...into quarters. Just in case you wanna... oh, I don't know, do laundry or [as he jiggles the bag] buy a soda or... something.

Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I can't win one of those stupid things with this quarter, I'm walking away.

French Narrator: [reading time card] Six hours later…

SpongeBob: [Squidward sitting on ground with empty bag over head] Pardon me, Squidward. SpongeBear, Jr. here wants me to win him a little brother. [Squidward scoots to the side while SpongeBob inserts a coin into the machine]

Skill Crane: You are a winner! [two prizes come out]

Squidward: Huh?

SpongeBob: Two in one quarter? That's not fair. [puts in one of the prizes] What's that, clown frown? Oh, you'd rather sit next to lovely lion? [takes the crane and moves the prizes around] There you are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward.

[Bubble transition to Squidward scooting his way into his house. He sits on his couch.]

Squidward: [sighs] A little mind-numbing television ought to help me forget about that stupid machine.

[Squidward tries to pick up the remote but every time he tries, he fails because of the crane coming into his mind. He then uses his eye instead to press a button on the remote. He screams in pain.]

Squidward: YEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWW!

[Squidward slides off the couch. Bubble transition to him in bed.]

Squidward: You've had a rough day, Squiddy. But that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better.

[Squidward tries to pull his covers, but he can't because of the crane coming into his mind.]

Squidward: Ohh, phooey!

[Squidward shivers for a few seconds, gets up, and then tries to pick up the glass of water by his bed but drops it and breaks it]

Squidward: I gotta win that crane!

[Squidward runs through his closet door and gets the piggy bank, which cries a teardrop. He then runs to the Krusty Krab. Bubble transition to SpongeBob entering the Krusty Krab and freaks out at what Squidward sees when he enters.]

Squidward: Just once! Please, oh, please, let me win one time!

SpongeBob: Squid, I think you have a problem.

Mr. Krabs: No, he doesn't. You don't listen to him, Squidward. You keep playing until you win! [takes out all the quarters that were put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A piece of rolled paper drops into the bucket] What's this?

Squidward: The deed to my house.

Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, then. Carry on.

Squidward: [bawling] If I can just win once, I'd never play again! [wailing]

SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you the secret of how to win on this machine?

Squidward: [gasps] SpongeBob, there's a secret?

SpongeBob: Mm-hmm.

Squidward: Tell me... [as his eyes get bigger] the... secret.

SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a winner?

Squidward: Yes.

SpongeBob: Yeah?

Squidward: Yeah!

SpongeBob: Yes?

Squidward: Yes!

SpongeBob: Yeah?

Squidward: Yeah!

SpongeBob: Yes?

Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?!

SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, okay. I face the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my eyes.

Squidward: Close your eyes?

SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I'm being the crane.

Squidward: Oh, that's ludi...

Skill Crane: Winner!

SpongeBob: See? Now you try.

Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I close my eyes, how will I know where the...

SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win or not?

Squidward: [presses face against machine] Yes! Yes, I do!

SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, put your quarter in.

Squidward: But this is my last quarter.

SpongeBob: In the machine, Squidward.

Squidward: Okay, okay. [he puts the quarter in the machine]

SpongeBob: Close your eyes. [Squidward does] Now be the crane. [while SpongeBob is telling him this, Squidward is playing the game] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane.

Skill Crane: Winner!

Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I could do it! [laughs] I'm a winner!

SpongeBob: You're a winner!

Squidward: I am a winner, aren't I? [jumps up and down] Winner, winner, winner! [twirls] Winner! [over loudspeaker] I'm a winner, everybody! You hear that?! [cricket chirps in the empty restaurant. Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs' office, holds the teddy bear] I'm... a winner.

Mr. Krabs: That's funny. Last I checked, you were a cashier.

Squidward: Yuck it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just remember, you're yucking in the presence... of a winner! [shoves the bear in his face] Ha! [runs out the door]

Mr. Krabs: I'll try to remember that. [as he counts all of Squidward's quarters] 3,498 of Squidward's quarters... 3,499 of Squidward's quarters.

SpongeBob: Triple decker, on deck.

Squidward: [slams door in SpongeBob's face] Make way for the winner! [door opens to SpongeBob having the triple decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion]

Skill Crane: You lose! [Billy sighs]

Squidward: You didn't win the prize?

Billy: No.

Squidward: You know what that means?

Billy: No, what?

Squidward: It means... you have no skills and you're a loser! [laughs] I'm a winner, see my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries! [he laughs, then Billy kicks him in the shin] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [later, Squidward and SpongeBob are walking out of the Krusty Krab] Did you see how I handled that crane?

SpongeBob: I sure did.

Squidward: I think I had the magic touch.

SpongeBob: Uh-huh.

Squidward: I just closed my eyes and became the crane.

SpongeBob: [getting exasperated] Oh, yeah, you're the man.

Squidward: SpongeBob, look. [a real crane is just a few yards away. Squidward runs to it]

SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, I don't think the same principles apply.

Squidward: Be the crane.

SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward!

Squidward: Be the crane. [picks up an I-beam]

SpongeBob: He did it. Yay, Squidward!

Squidward: Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the…

Construction worker: You know this guy?

SpongeBob: Yeah, that's Squidward. He's got the magic touch. [pokes the construction worker] Ding! [Squidward knocks a bunch of buildings over with the I-beam; a sign reads "Your New Mall." The construction worker is ready to explode] Ta-dah! [notices the mess] [screams] Squidward, open your eyes!

Squidward: [opens eyes] Oh, uh... be the crane. Be the crane. [can't control crane; he whacks the workers with a beam] Look out, SpongeBob, I can't stop! [crane chases after SpongeBob & the workers; SpongeBob's eyes bug out so he runs away on them] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Okay, don't be the crane! Don't be the crane! [Everybody runs in terror into the Krusty Krab. The crane spins around fast and heads towards the Krusty Krab and as the workers and SpongeBob duck, Squidward destroys it]

Mr. Krabs: What the...?!

Squidward: Oh, my, oh, my. Time to go, Teddy. [bumps into large construction worker]

Construction worker: Just where do you think you're going, crane master? [All workers surround Squidward, ready to beat him up]

Construction worker #2: You ain't going anywhere.

SpongeBob: [whistles] Hang on, buddy. I got ya. [uses crane to get Squidward, but instead gets his prize] I guess I can only pick up toys.

Squidward: [workers growl] Uh-oh. [fade to black, ending the episode]