[The episode starts with a live-action shot of Big Ben in London. As "Rule, Britannia" plays, the time on the clock changes to 9 o'clock and it starts chiming. The camera zooms out suddenly, revealing that it is only Squidward's watch.]

Squidward: Wow, I'm really late again. Maybe they'll finally fire me. [laughs as he walks into the closed front doors of the Krusty Krab] Locked?

SpongeBob: [lying in a fetal position against the front doors, knocking his head on them] This isn't happening. This isn't happening!

Squidward: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: The horror, it's unspeakable! [grabs Squidward] Don't you see, Squidward? It's closed! The Krusty Krab is closed!

Squidward: You mean I got out of bed for nothing?

SpongeBob: The doors are locked. The doors are locked and we are on the outside. Outsiders. What are we going to do, Squidward? There are Krabby Patties inside all alone. [presses his face into the glass]

Mr. Krabs: Just stand aside, lad, and let me unlock the door.

SpongeBob: [face comes out his backside] Mr. Krabs, you're here! [jumping around] Gosh, Mr. Krabs, we were worried something might have happened to you. That the world would've been deprived of the greatest food known to man.

Mr. Krabs: [drops his keys, annoyed] Oh, you made me drop me keys. Give me some space, lad. Can't a crab get a little space?!

SpongeBob: [cries] I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Harsh. [laughs]

Mr. Krabs: [cracks his back] Arrgh, me back!

SpongeBob: Are you hurt, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: [sarcastically while in pain] No. I'm just doubled over in pain, fightin' back tears in me eyes because it's a new dance craze! [wiggles his claws from side to side like he's dancing]

SpongeBob: [naively] Oh, good, I thought you were hurt.

Mr. Krabs: [shouting] I am hurt, ya idiot! [SpongeBob's lip quivers while tears form] I'm sorry I snapped at ya, laddie. It's just me back is killing me. It's me old, lumpy mattress. It's like trying to sleep on broken coral. I'm going out of me mind. [back breaks again] Ouch! Oh, me back.

SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs. What are we going to do, Squidward?

Squidward: Why do anything? I like the new Mr. Krabs. He yells at you more. [laughs]

SpongeBob: I'm serious, Squidward.

Squidward: So am I.

SpongeBob: We should get Mr. Krabs a new mattress and surprise him with it as a gift. Then we'll never have to be late to work again.

Squidward: What? You want me to spend my hard earned money on my richer than me skin flint boss? No, thank you. [enters Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: That's okay, Squidward, you'll warm up to the idea. [later] Thanks for coming with me, Patrick.

Patrick: No problem, buddy. I always wanted to go to a mattress store. [both enter store]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Wow!

SpongeBob: I've never seen so many mattresses.

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: How many do you think there are?

Patrick: [looks around and thinks] 10.

SpongeBob: Cool.

Employee: There's plenty more than that. Try them out. Find one you like.

[SpongeBob jumps on a mattress, but Patrick shakes his head. Patrick lays down on a mattress, but sinks into it as SpongeBob shakes his head. SpongeBob falls on his back on a rock-hard mattress. Patrick sits in a racecar bed then a crashing sound is heard. SpongeBob sits on a bed with a bunch of needles and the employee holds up a first-aid kit. Finally, Patrick sits on a mattress that rotates in rolling from side to side. Now back at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing.]

Squidward: What are you morons doing?

SpongeBob: Making a card for Mr. Krabs. To go with his new mattress.

Squidward: Oh, I see. You're just kissing up to the boss to make me look bad. Well, I won't stand for it. Gimme that card. [signs card] Trying to outsmart me, will ya? [licks envelope] There, I signed it for all of us.

Patrick: Hey, you didn't even help pay.

SpongeBob: Oh, that's okay, as long as Mr. Krabs is happy. [later at Mr. Krabs' house]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, me back. Well, here goes another useless attempt to sleep on me mount less, lumpy mattress. [lays on his mattress] Huh, that's queer. Me mattress seems strangely cozy and butter-like... [falls asleep]

SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Surprise!

Mr. Krabs: Armageddon! What? Oh, you? What in the blue eye scallop are you doing in me bedroom?

SpongeBob: We noticed how miserable you were on your lumpy, old mattress.

Squidward: So I suggested we get you a new one.

Patrick: [talking to SpongeBob] I thought it was your idea.

Mr. Krabs: [through gritted teeth] So, where's me old mattress then? [starts to get furious]

Squidward: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I took care of that personally, too. I had it hauled away to the dump.

Mr. Krabs: [jumps on Squidward] Yaaargh! All my money was in that mattress!

Squidward: [shakes his head in shock] What?! Haven't you ever heard of a bank?!

Mr. Krabs: No! [walks backward, hits his lamp along with a bookshelf]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: No! [faints]

Patrick: And we got you a card.

Mr. Krabs: [lifts one eye up off the floor] Is there money in it?

Patrick: [shakes the envelope] Nope. [Mr. Krabs faints again. Later, at the hospital]

SpongeBob: Is it serious, doctor? Will Mr. Krabs be alright?

Doctor #2: Mr. Krabs is in a cash-coma. Only the return of his money can save his life.

Squidward: It was SpongeBob's fault! Getting Mr. Krabs a new mattress was his idea!

Patrick: [firmly] I knew it!

Police Officer: Not so fast! [holds up get well card] This card says "This was all my idea. Love, Squidward." If Mr. Krabs doesn't pull through, you're going to jail!

Squidward: [infuriated] Ooh... you did this, SquarePants! If you don't get Mr. Krabs' mattress back from the dump, I am going to murd... [officer clears his throat] ...[nervously] help you do it myself.

Patrick: Wow, he really does care. [later at the dump]

Patrick: What a dump.

SpongeBob: We gotta get in there, Squidward. Mr. Krabs is counting on us.

Patrick: [looks through the gate] Hey, SpongeBob, isn't that the mattress over there?

SpongeBob: Terrific, Patrick, you found it!

Squidward: What? Where? Lemme see. Where?

SpongeBob: Over there, Squidward, underneath that really big guard worm.

Squidward: Oh, that figures. [later at the hospital]

Doctor #2: Oh no, this is horrible.

Nurse: What is it, doctor?

Doctor #2: This man has no insurance.

Nurse: He'll never be able to afford this room!

Doctor #2: You're right, nurse. Extract the patient to the hallway. Stat! [Mr. Krabs is pushed into a snack machine while he groans]

SpongeBob: Well, that's Mr. Krabs' mattress, alright. Let's go get it.

Squidward: Okay, here's the plan: you two quietly go in there, remove the mattress out from the guard worm without... waking... the worm.

Patrick: [confused] Why not?

SpongeBob: [frankly] Because that would be rude, Patrick.

Squidward: And nothing's meaner than a junkyard worm. He'll eat you alive!

[SpongeBob and Patrick get scared at hearing this revelation]

Patrick: [crossly] Hey, wait a minute, what are you gonna do?

Squidward: [lying] Oh, I've got the most important job. I'm going to keep watch to make sure it's safe.

Patrick: [naïvely] Gee, thanks, buddy.

Squidward: My pleasure. Now let's get a move on. [laughs]

SpongeBob: [Patrick climbs the fence] Ah, isn't it beautiful, Patrick? You can see everything from up here.

Patrick: Wow. [both sigh]

Squidward: [angry] What are you morons doing?

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I think I can see our houses from here.

Patrick: Where? I can't see them. [fence flips around to where Squidward is inside and SpongeBob & Patrick are outside.]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Wow. [both laugh]

Patrick: Let's do it again. [SpongeBob and Patrick continue laughing]

Squidward: What did you idiots do?!

Patrick: Squidward, what are you doing in there? You were suppose to keep watch!

SpongeBob: Yeah, and you woke up the guard worm, too!

Squidward: I didn't do it! You blockheads woke... [the guard worm emerges from behind Squidward growling] the... worm. [screams in pain as the worm attacks him while Patrick and SpongeBob are horrified at the sight. Later at the hospital]

Doctor #1: Doctor?

Doctor #2: Yes, doctor?

Doctor #1: Regarding your patient, doctor. I have come to this conclusion.

Doctor #2: Yes, go on.

Doctor #1: We have to surgically remove him out from in front of the candy machine so I can get to the nutty nut bar.

Doctor #2: Of course. Nurse?

Nurse: I'm on it. [wheels Mr. Krabs outside the hospital while he groans again. Later at the dump]

SpongeBob: [climbing down a rope with Patrick to get inside the gate] Worm-bait to the retriever. Worm bait to the retriever. We're in. Out.

Squidward: Retriever to worm bait, stay in. Don't go out.

SpongeBob: Understood. Out.

Squidward: No! In! Out.

SpongeBob: Understood. Out.

Squidward: Oh, look, you're at the far side of the dump, right?

SpongeBob: Affirmative.

Squidward: Good. Then make lots of noise to draw the guard worm away from the mattress so I can retrieve it.

SpongeBob: Affirmative. Out. Oh, that's why he calls himself "The Retriever."

Patrick: Why are we called "Worm-bait?"

SpongeBob: I dunno. [ululating with Patrick] Great idea, Patrick! [they both use pots and pans to make loud noises that draw the guard worm away]

Squidward: And my perfect plan falls into place. [laughs]

Patrick: [continues ululating with SpongeBob] Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?

Patrick: I think I know why our code name is "Worm-bait." [guard worm rushes up and growls at them both]

SpongeBob: Nice worm. Good, kind, gentle worm! [worm's eyes turn into an image of the wooden spoon. Then, he behaves like a friendly dog wanting to play]

Patrick: Ohh, SpongeBob, he likes your wooden spoon.

SpongeBob: [SpongeBob raises the spoon then lowers the spoon as the worm's eyes follow where the spoon is] Wow, I think you're right, Patrick.

Patrick: [clapping] See if he plays catch.

SpongeBob: Okay, see the stick, boy? [throws spoon] Go get it, boy! [worm chases after spoon]

Squidward: Coast is clear. Squiddy, you are a genius. [wooden spoon hits Squidward in the head] Ouch. What the...? Hey, I needed a wooden spoon. I'll just keep it safe from harm in my back pocket. [places spoon in back pocket] And now for the mattress. [worm bites Squidward in the butt] I should've guessed. [worm attacks Squidward again. Back at the hospital]

Administrator Flotsam: Excuse me, doctor.

Doctor #2: Administrator Flotsam, what can I do for you?

Administrator Flotsam: It has come to my attention that your patient, Mr. Krabs, is out on the front sidewalk.

Doctor #2: Yes, yes, he is.

Administrator Flotsam: What were you thinking, man? We're trying to run a business here. We can't leave patients on the sidewalk.

Doctor #2: Not to worry. Nurse!

Nurse: I'm on it. [pushes Mr. Krabs away from the hospital and down a hill. Back at the dump, SpongeBob and Patrick are inside of the portable potty]

Squidward: Alright, you two, what's the holdup?

SpongeBob: We feel silly.

Squidward: Come on, do it for old man Krabs.

SpongeBob: Okay. [SpongeBob and Patrick jump out of the portable potty in steak costumes] Can you explain the plan again, Squidward?

Squidward: Sure, but first, put on this cologne.

SpongeBob: [reads label] Steak sauce? [shrugs his shoulders and puts the sauces on his body]

Squidward: Okay, so you are dressed as choice cuts. You go in there and yell "Trick or treat!" The worm will realize he forgot to stock up on Halloween candy, he'll leave to buy some, then we take the mattress.

Patrick: Gimme that cologne. [Patrick puts the sauce on his body]

Squidward: Now get in there!

SpongeBob: Happy Halloween, Squidward!

Squidward: I am not going to get hurt this time. [hears some rattling in the distance. It's Mr. Krabs on his hospital bed rolling down the street into the dump] Isn't that Mr. Krabs? [screams as Mr. Krabs runs over Squidward, crashes through the gate, and runs into a rock, causing the bed to flip him over in front of his mattress. Guard worm growls]

Patrick: That guard worm doesn't look very happy.

SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs! Run like you're not in a coma!

Mr. Krabs: [sniffs around and recovers] It's... me money! [guard worm snarls as Mr. Krabs roars like a lion and sends the worm into the air and off the mattress] Oh, money. I promise I'll never leave you alone again.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs jumps on his mattress and barks ferociously] No, Mr. Krabs, it's us!

Patrick: Trick or treat.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, hey, SpongeBob. I didn't recognize you. Say, why are you two dressed as meat?

SpongeBob: Not just meat, we're choice cuts! Right, Squidward?

Squidward: Oh, I give up. [guard worm lands in Squidward's arms snarling at him. Squidward runs off as the worm chases him] Ahhh! Get away!