Narrator: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and
Barnacle Boy. [we see a long line to the Krusty Krab] In a familiar restaurant,
in a familiar part of town, a call goes out in frustration.
Frank: Will you hurry up?
Narrator: A call that would normally be answered by
Bikini Bottom's semi-retired champions... if they weren't the ones causing the
problem.
Mermaid Man: Let's see... I want a... no. [shows a
brief shot of Krusty Krab Menu] I want a... [camera returns to Mermaid Man] uh,
no, uh, hmm...
Squidward: Sir, will you please order already? You're
holding up the line!
SpongeBob: [whispers in Mermaid Man's ear] Psst. Hey,
Mermaid Man, get a Krabby Patty.
Mermaid Man: I've made my decision!
Line of customers: Hooray!
Mermaid Man: One Krabby Patty for me and a Pipsqueak
Patty for the boy.
Barnacle Boy: Now, wait just a darn minute!
Line of customers: Aww!
Barnacle Boy: I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty! I want
an adult size Krabby Patty!
Mermaid Man: The Krabby Patty is too big for you.
You'll never finish it.
Barnacle Boy: Don't you see what you're doing? You're
treating me like a child!
Mr. Krabs: The boy's eyes are bigger than his stomach!
[everyone starts laughing]
Barnacle Boy: And that's another thing, I'm not a boy!
I'm so old, I got hairs growing out of the wrinkles on my liver spots! [removes
his hat to show a hair popping out on the wrinkles of his liver spots]
Squidward: [snickers] One Pipsqueak patty... [close up
of the patty. He shows a bib and a highchair] and your bib and highchair.
[everyone laughs again]
Barnacle Boy: I'm 68 years old and I want a Krabby
Patty!
Mermaid Man: Your Pipsqueak is getting cold. Shall I
feed you?
Barnacle Boy: Feed this, old man! [slaps the Krabby
Patty out of Mermaid Man's hand]
All except Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ooh!
Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a
man who wears a bra! From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm
through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!
SpongeBob: I respect you, Barnacle Man!
Barnacle Man: That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I...
Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a
hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the
sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!
SpongeBob: Evil?
Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick: Evil?
[Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]
Mermaid Man: Evil!
Barnacle Man: I'm crossing over... to the dark side!
[points to dark side of Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Why should I waste money lightin' the whole
store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U),
then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]
Dirty Bubble: Did someone say evil?
SpongeBob: Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and
Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle Man gets
in the villain car]
Barnacle Man: Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain
car departs]
Mermaid Man: Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you
tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]
Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your bleak and
meaningless lives for this special news break. [Man Ray zaps a building] Man
Ray, [Dirty Bubble grabs a local bank while snickering] the Dirty Bubble, and
now, playing for the dark side, Barnacle Boy...
Barnacle Man: Barnacle Man!
Realistic Fish Head: ...have been committing a series
of crimes throughout Bikini Bottom. [shows Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and
Barnacle Man ding-dong-ditching and snickering]
Barnacle Man: Shh! [rings the doorbell and run off,
while laughing]
Senior Citizen: [opens door] I'll get you crazy kids!
Realistic Fish Head: These three have named their new
alliance: [their logo is shown] Every Villain Is Lemons, otherwise known as
E.V.I.L.! What can we do? When will this crime wave end? How will we defeat the
evil? Why am I asking you all these questions? Mermaid Man, where are you?
[Mermaid Man zones out again, so Mr. Krabs slaps him again]
Mermaid Man: Huh? I'm right here! Don't worry, good
citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside]
Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop
of prune with bran sprinkles. [he receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm.
[MM licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears,
leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.
Barnacle Man: [E.V.I.L. is shown as ice cream men] You
might as well give up, Mermaid Man. There's three of us and only one of you.
You don't stand a chance. [drives off]
SpongeBob: [runs to Mermaid Man with Sandy, Patrick,
and Squidward] Are you okay, Mermaid Man? Oh, how are you gonna beat those
three guys all by yourself?
Mermaid Man: You're right. [sits down] I give up.
SpongeBob: You can't give up. What if we help you?
Mermaid Man: No, no, that's a terrible idea. But what
if you help me?
SpongeBob: Okay!
Mermaid Man: Who wants to save the world?
SpongeBob: I do!
Sandy: I do!
Patrick: I do!
Squidward: I don't.
Mr. Krabs: [confronts Squidward] Oh, yes, you do! No world
means no money! Now, go save the world, or you're fired! [runs back to the
Krusty Krab; Squidward grumbles]
Mermaid Man: Then it's settled! To the Mermalair!
[Transition to the Mermalair]
SpongeBob: Wow! The Mermalair!
Mermaid Man: These costumes belonged to the original
International Justice League of Super Acquaintances!
SpongeBob: Wow! The I.J.L.S.A. were the most heroic
heroes ever! And you had the best lunch box, too.
Mermaid Man: Once you put on these costumes, their
fantastic powers will become yours!
Sandy: Wow! I didn't think super powers worked that
way.
Mermaid Man: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why
else would we run around in colored undies?
Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.
Narrator: [SpongeBob is running at lightning fast
speed in his costume] The Quickster... with the uncanny ability to run
really... quick!
The Quickster: Wanna see me run to that mountain and
back? [doesn't move] You wanna see me do it again?
Narrator: [Squidward is wearing his costume] Captain
Magma... get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
Captain Magma: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out, licks his
hand, then puts his thumb on his rear, while making a sizzling sound]
Narrator: The Elastic Waistband... able to stretch his
body into fantastic shapes and forms! [Patrick, in his costume, stretches his
whole body really long]
The Elastic Waistband: I can finally touch my toes!
[stretches his toes over the back of his body and to his hands]
Narrator: And Miss Appear... now you see her... [Sandy
disappears in her costume] now you don't.
Miss Appear: Does this outfit make me look fat?
Narrator: The International Justice League of Super
Acquaintances! A subsidiary of Viacom.
Mermaid Man: So, it's agreed. We'll get one cheese
pizza, one with pepperoni and mushrooms, and one with olives.
Chief: Super Acquaintances, we need your help.
The Quickster: Holy halibut! It's the chief!
Chief: Thank you for the introduction, Quickster, but
we all know who I am! More to the point, we've got news on the whereabouts of
E.V.I.L.
The Elastic Waistband: The whose-abouts of what?
Miss Appear: You just tell us where they are, Chief,
and we'll hog-tie 'em faster than you can say "Salsa Verde."
Chief: Our sources last found E.V.I.L. harassing
teenagers up at "Make-Out Reef." You know, Make-Out Reef? [makes out
with himself] Whoo hoo hoo!
The Quickster: Flopping flounder, Mermaid Man,
Make-Out Reef!
Mermaid Man: Those fiends! Attacking hormonally
stressed-out children!
Captain Magma: Ah, Make-Out Reef. Good times, good
times.
Mermaid Man: To Make-Out Reef, [chair falls backwards]
away!
The Elastic Waistband: Does this mean we're not
getting pizza? [scene cuts to Make-Out Reef at night. E.V.I.L. is pointing a
flashlight at two fish]
John & Nancy: Stop, please!
E.V.I.L.: John and Nancy, sittin' in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Dirty Bubble: Oh! [points at a car] Shine the
flashlight in that car, Man Ray!
Man Ray: Haha, with pleasure! [shines the light on
Sandals making out with a pillow]
Sandals: Hey man, that's not cool. [E.V.I.L. snickers
until Mermaid Man appears]
Mermaid Man: Leave those young lovers alone!
Man Ray: Well, if it isn't Milk Maid Man! You've saved
us the trouble of tracking you down!
Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win! You're outnumbered!
Man Ray: You senile bag of fish paste! There are three
of us and only one of you!
The Quickster: [runs up at super-fast speed from
behind and stops next to Mermaid Man] Make that two!
Man Ray: The Quickster!
Captain Magma: [blasts up and flies like a rocket over
the villains and joins the two heroes] Three!
Barnacle Man: Captain Magma!
The Elastic Waistband: [stretches far from behind and
joins the three heroes] Four!
Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband!
Miss Appear: [appears next to the group of heroes]
Five!
E.V.I.L.: M-M-Miss Appear!
Mermaid Man: And me makes ten, I think.
Man Ray: Uh-oh.
Dirty Bubble: I don't have a good feeling about this.
Barnacle Man: Oh, there goes our toy deal.
Mermaid Man: Super Acquaintances, attack!
Barnacle Man: Oh no, please, mercy!
Captain Magma: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out onto The
Quickster]
The Quickster: Ah! Ah! Ah! Get it off! [starts running
in a circle fast] Get it off! Get it Off! Get it off! Get it off!
The Elastic Waistband: I'll save you, Quickster!
[stretches his arms to try and save Quickster, but ends up getting caught, and
flies out with his arms overstretched. The villains look at each other in
confusion]
Mermaid Man: I'll cool you off, Quickster, with one of
my water balls! [creates a water ball with his hands and concentrates, but
targets Captain Magma instead] Aha!
Captain Magma: Huh?! No, no, no, I'm not the Quickster!
I'm Captain Mag... [gets hit by the water ball] ma. [coughs, then melts to pile
of ash]
Miss Appear: Well, I guess it's up to me! [turns
invisible and walks, only her footprints show on the ground] I'll sneak over...
unseen... and catch them by surprise. [a boat hits her, sending her through the
sign and to the cliff, while still invisible] [yelling and lands on the ground]
The Quickster: Get it off! Get it off! [eventually
stops, but only shown as shoes] Whew, glad that's over.
[villains look at fallen heroes and Mermaid Man just
falls backwards.]
Barnacle Man: We...We did it. We won! This day belongs
to E.V.I.L.! [approaches the fallen Mermaid Man as he laughs maniacally] You've
lost, Mermaid Man, and the superhero / super-villain rules say you have to give
in to my demands!
Mermaid Man: Okay, what do you want?
Man Ray: World domination! Tell him we want world
domination!
Dirty Bubble: Oh, and make him eat dirt! Ha! [Man Ray
stares at him questioningly] In addition to the... domination thing.
Barnacle Man: Number one--I wanna be treated like a
superhero, not a sidekick. Number two--I wanna be called Barnacle Man. And
number three--
Man Ray: Come on, domination!
Barnacle Man: ...I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty.
Dirty Bubble: [he and Man Ray are shocked] Did you
hear him say anything about eating dirt?
Barnacle Man: Need a hand, superpal? [both start to
get tears in their eyes as they grab and shake hands. "FRIEND"
appears]
Mermaid Man: Good to have you back on the side of
justice, Kyle. Let's go get you that Krabby Patty! [leaves with Barnacle Boy]
Man Ray: Was that it? [groans in disgust] That's
sickening!
Dirty Bubble: Oh, this reminds me of the time I went
to Cancun with the Killer Shrimp. Oh, they had these papaya drinks that were to
die for!
Man Ray: [while Dirty Bubble is talking] Oh, Neptune,
shut up! [at the Krusty Krab. Barnacle Boy is eating an adult-sized Krabby Patty]
Mermaid Man: How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty
treating you, Barnacle [winks] Man?
Barnacle Man: Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing. [Mermaid Man laughs, then Barnacle Man laughs, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing. The guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself; he turns around and laughs hysterically]