French Narrator: Welcome to SpongeBob's House Party, with your host, Patchy the Pirate. There'll be punch, cookies, explosions, and a brand-new episode of SpongeBob SquarePants!

Old-time crowd: Hooray!

French Narrator: Now live, from Encino, California, get ready for a warm embrace from our party host, Patchy the Pirate!

Patchy: Hey, get off my lawn! Party? [takes a party sign off his door] There ain't no party here. Go away!

Potty: Bawk, come on in!

Patchy: Hush, Potty, can't you see I'm trying to keep out the riffraff?

Potty: Riffraff? That's our television audience, barnacle breath!

Patchy: Oh, of course it is! I was just fooling! Welcome! [gasps] Say, you didn't bring SpongeBob with you, did you? Gee, I sure hope he got his invitation. [Holds up an invitation]

[the scene fades to SpongeBob and Patrick receiving their invitations]

SpongeBob: I'd sure like to go to this party, [close-up of the invitation shows the writing is completely smeared and unreadable] but I can't read the invitation!

Patrick: Me neither.

SpongeBob: Whoever sent this obviously has no idea about the physical limitations of life underwater! Well, might as well throw these in the fire. [he and Patrick throw their invitations in a camp fire and warm their hands]

Patchy: Ah, well, come on in. Let me introduce you around. This here's Minnie Mermaid. Minnie's cooling off on account of she's been dancing her scales off, isn't that right, Minnie, huh, takin' a little breakie poo?

Minnie Mermaid: No, Patchy. Actually, I'm in here because if I wasn't, I would die.

Patchy: Ha, ha! That's the spirit! [strikes his hook into Minnie's pool, causing water to spurt out. Minnie nervously tries to stop the leak] Huh, let's see, who else haven't you met? That's Longbeard the pirate. Hey, there Longbeard, long time no see!

King Neptune: Who dares to interrupt Neptune?!

Patchy: Sorry about that, Neppy. That's Neptune. [unenthusiastically] He's king of the sea. [to two guests] You kids having fun? [the kids are chuckling] He-he.. whew! Hosting a party is hard work, boy.. That reminds me of a time when SpongeBob was hosting a party! Hey, you kids want to see that cartoon? [camera moves up and down meaning yes] You do? Well then, launch the cartoon!

[The episode starts.]

French Narrator: Ah, the Barg'N-Mart. A consumer's paradise of brand-like items, stocked as far as the eye can see. [SpongeBob is running down the aisles trying to get to the check-out counter as soon as possible]

SpongeBob: Boom! 19 seconds! That's a new record, Lou!

Lou: Uh, that's great, SpongeBob. $1.42.

SpongeBob: But it's not an official record until we record it in the Book of Records.

Lou: [sighs in boredom] Yeah.

SpongeBob: [writes the record down in a book] 19 seconds.

Lou: Okay, so it's a $1.42.

SpongeBob: Sign here please. [Lou signs at the places that SpongeBob points] Initial here, and here, and here, and here. [SpongeBob notices a picture of Lou from a while back] Oh look, it's a picture I took of you the first time I ever came here! [picture shows a happy Lou] Look at you, so young and happy! [puts the picture down and we see a sad Lou] Where do the years go? Hey, what's that? "Plan Your Own Party Kit"? Hey Lou, how much?

Lou: For the Plan Your Own Party kit? Oh, we're having a special on those. Uh, they're free. But you have to leave... [scowls] right now.

[scene cuts to SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob: Let's see Gary, according to the "Plan Your Own Party Kit," invitations are the first order of business.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [reads first thing on list] "A short guest list consisting of only your closest acquaintances will set an intimate tone for the evening and provide soiree success." Well, you heard the man, Gary, only our closest friends.

Fred's dad: [reads invitation] Who the barnacles is SpongeBob SquarePants? [Mable peeks from around the corner]

Mable: I believe you went to kindergarten with him, dear.

Fred's dad: Kindergarten, huh? [Dad shows a picture of SpongeBob and his Kindergarten class] Oh yeah, SquarePants. Well, I guess it's time to move again.

SpongeBob: Boy, Gary, this "Plan Your Own Party Kit" is a real life-saver. [mixing ingredients and reading a cook book] How else would I have known to make freshly-whipped clotted cream. [takes a little taste] Gary, you better call an astronomer, because this clotted cream is outta' this world! [timer goes off] My piñata! [takes out the piñata from the oven and he squeals; he tosses it around] Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. [he puts it on the table] The "Plan Your Own Party Kit" encourages creativity when stuffing your piñata. That's why I'm using deviled eggs. [puts eggs in the piñata]

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: Good question Gary, but not to worry. The "Plan Your Own Party Kit" warns that unsupervised parties can lead to disaster. That's why I've taken the liberty of devising a schedule! [takes out list] 8:00-8:05: Guests arrive. 8:05-8:15: Opening remarks and general discussion. 8:15-8:27: Craft corner, followed by name tag distribution. [list rolls across the table] At 8:27, we begin the qualifying rounds for our cracker-eating slash tongue-twister contest. 9:07: running charades. [list rolls along the wall] 9:38: charity apple-bob. [list is still rolling around] 9:57: Electric jitterbug dance marathon, ladies' choice. [winks at Gary. The list stops on SpongeBob's head] At 10:09, things start cooking as I dip into my world-famous knock-knock joke vault!

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: And as long as we stick to this schedule, our party is a guaranteed success. This is gonna be the coolest party ever! [puts a party hat on Gary's shell. Patchy reappears]

Patchy: Ha, ha! Looks like it's smooth party sailing for SpongeBob so far. Now it's time for me to get me own party underway! Gather around, ye scurvy landlubbers, it's time to learn the peg legged dance o' happiness! [lays out a dance mat] Whoa! It's quite simple really, all you need is a peg leg and some patience. And my instructional video series, only $29.95.

Potty: Bawk! How tacky. [flies off]

Patchy: It's a $40 value, Potty! [yelling] A $40 value! Now, it's very easy and loads of fun.

Salt Water Sam: Hey, everybody, the band's here.

[party guests cheer off-screen]

Patchy: Band? What band?

Potty: Bawk, the band I hired for the party. [Patchy was laughing]

Patchy: A jolly idea, Potty! A little live music'll get me shindig dug! Who'd you get? [a picture of every group is shown as Patchy says their name] Barnacle Bill and the Seven Seas?

Potty: No.

Patchy: Seaweed Sally and her Cackling Turtle?

Potty: No.

Patchy: Oh, oh, I know: The First Mates.

Potty: No.

Patchy: Saltwater Sam, featuring the Brine Brothers.

Potty: No.

Patchy: Uh, Rusty Hinges and the Boys from the Brig?

Potty: They broke up years ago.

Patchy: Well, who else is there?

Potty: The Bird Brains!

Patchy: Oh.. [laughs, but then chuckles in confusion] What?

Potty: The Bird Brains--they're better than all those other bands.

Patchy: But they're just a bunch of birds.

Lead Singer: Hello, Encino! [The Bird Brains begin playing heavy metal music]

Patchy: Agh, Potty, that's the worst sea shanty I've ever heard! I certainly hope it doesn't get any louder. Ohh! [A blast of music sends a screaming Patchy flying backwards out of the house, blasting him through six more houses before slamming face-first into a metal telephone pole. Back at the party, the band continues to play; Patchy enters his house while covered with debris] No, no, no! Stop the music! [yells as he runs to the band] Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op....! [music stops] Look, boys. I know you fellas sound good around the birdbath, but this here is basic cable! This is the big time! I'm afraid it's time for you to walk the plank.

Lead Singer: You mean we're fired?

Patchy: No... [Patchy and the band go to the plank.] Go on, start jumping, or you're gonna be dealing with the business end of me sword! [waves his sword at them, laughing. The birds just fly away, resulting him in shock] No! I forgot that you're birds! [he breaks down and sobs in defeat, whacking himself on the head with his sword]

French Narrator: [screen: PLEASE STAND BY] While Patchy pulls himself together, let's see how SpongeBob's party is shaping up. [shows SpongeBob's house decorated]

SpongeBob: Okay, Gary, get ready. It's almost 8:00! Here they come! [looks at his watch] Don't worry too much, Gary, it's only ten seconds past 8:00. [gasps] Now it's 20 seconds past 8:00! Maybe no one got their invitations. 30 seconds past 8:00! Oh, I'm doomed! [cries] No one's coming. I'm the worst host ever! [doorbell rings] Oh, the first guest, and only forty seconds late. [opens door to see Patrick]

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Welcome, Patrick! May I compliment you on being fashionably late? Can I get you a glass of punch?

Patrick: Sure? [SpongeBob runs over and pours a glass]

SpongeBob: Did you have any trouble finding the place? [gives Patrick the glass] Here you are!

Patrick: Thanks. [drinks some punch]

SpongeBob: So, the punch okay?

Patrick: Not bad, not bad.

SpongeBob: Hmm, nice weather we're having.

Patrick: It's been very mild, yes.

SpongeBob: Yep, it's mild season. [nervously laughs] Ahem. So, you read any... [doorbell rings] Oh, more party guests! [Mr. Krabs has walked in with a purple coat on] Welcome, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Please let Gary take your coat, then allow me to offer you some hors d'oeuvres and a glass of punch.

Mr. Krabs: Don't mind if I do! [drops his coat on Gary. Gary sticks his eyes out of the sleeves]

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: [looks over his party list] Two down, 175 to go. Gosh, I almost forgot... [hands Patrick and Mr. Krabs name tags] These name tags eliminate the need for awkward introductions. [doorbell rings] Oh, more guests! [Patrick tries to read his name tag upside down]

Patrick: Kcirtap si eman ym olleh. I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs: No, you dumb bunny, it says, "Hello, my name is Patrick."

Patrick: [shakes Mr. Krabs' hand] Nice to meet you Patrick.

Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Good one, Patrick! [both laugh]

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: What's going on here? The laughter isn't scheduled until 9:03! You want to throw a party, do it at your house, Patrick. [doorbell rings]

Patrick: Was he talking to me or you? [SpongeBob opens door to Squidward]

SpongeBob: Squidward, you made it!

Squidward: My cable's out.

SpongeBob: Oh, uh, sorry to hear about that. [SpongeBob hides some wire cutters behind his back]

Mr. Krabs: So, uh, how's it going, Squidward?

Squidward: Not bad.

SpongeBob: [SpongeBob clears his throat, attracting Mr. Krabs and Squidward's attention] I have you making light conversation with Mr. Krabs from 10:41 to 10:47. [erases something on his clipboard and clicks his tongue] But if you've got a case of the jabberjaws, I can pair you up right now with Scooter. [SpongeBob takes Scooter and places him near Squidward] Here are some topic cards to break the ice. [hands them some cards. The doorbell rings] Oh, someone's at the door!

Scooter: Mine says, 'What came first?: the oyster or the pearl?' You take the side of the pearl!

Squidward: This is lame. [Squidward throws away his card and walks away]

Sadie: My card says, "Discuss the philosophical nature of irony." What does yours say?

Patrick: "Nod politely." [shown Mr. Krabs and Plankton with cards]

Mr. Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?

Plankton: Oh, uh, yes, it says, [really shows "Where are You From?"] 'Discuss the secret ingredient of the Krabby Patty formula.' [clears throat] How interesting.

Mr. Krabs: Nice try, Plankton. [everyone is chattering amongst themselves. The doorbell rings]

SpongeBob: [he is looking angrily at his watch and tapping his foot and the doorbell rings] Well, it's about time. Okay, everyone, the final guest is about to arrive... [looks at his watch] 22 minutes late! [opens up the door to Tom Smith]

Tom: Hey, hey! [SpongeBob folds his arms in a sort of anger. Tom laughs nervously holding a bag of chips as SpongeBob walks into the party]

SpongeBob: Attention, everyone. Attention please! Now that we're all here, I officially declare the party switch to be in the 'on' position! [silence. everyone claps silently]

Various guests: [bored] Whoopee. Horray. All right. Okay.

SpongeBob: As soon as I get back from the coat room, we'll have a rundown of tonight's scheduled events. Try not to have too much fun without me! [laughs as he walks into a room with a sign that reads 'Coat Check', but ducks back out with a serious look] Seriously. [closes door]

French Narrator (television version only): That includes you folks, SpongeBob's House Party will be right back after these messages. [fades out and back in] [Patchy is shown dancing and a guy in a submarine outfit walks towards the camera] Ahoy there! Welcome back to SpongeBob's House Party!

SpongeBob: [scene cuts to his wardrobe] Hey, Gare, got another coat for you. [throws the coat on Gary] The party's going great, by the way. They're gonna be talking about this one for a long, long time. Well, back to [uses air quotes] work. [cackles and walks back out with his clipboard] Okay, everybody. Let's... huh? What's going on here? [guests are talking and dancing to the music. SpongeBob starts to hyperventilate] This is all wrong! What's happening to my party?! [scene cuts to Sandy and Larry dancing] No, no, no, no, no! Didn't you read the schedule?! 10:00pm: Dance your pants off! 10:00 PM! [scene cuts to Sandals eating cake. SpongeBob takes a vacuum and sucks out all the food from his mouth] Let's try to stick to the schedule, shall we? Cake will be eaten at 8:52, everyone! 8:52! [switches into 'blower.' Slice of cake is blown perfectly back into the rest of the cake. A plate with bacon and eggs is blown onto the table] Hey, what's this?

Sandals: That's my breakfast!

SpongeBob: Could I have everyone's attention, please? [Patrick is dancing by the record player] Patrick? [stops the music] If everyone could take a seat on the couch please, while I sort this out. Thank you, thanks. [the guests walk over to the couch] Hey everybody, thanks for your patience. I know we've gotten off to a rocky start here, so I'm going to get us back on track. It is now 8:37, and we all know what that means! [gets out a newspaper] Time to read aloud from the newspaper comics! Let's see, I think I'll start out with "The Wisenheimers." Okay, panel one: we see Roxy Wisenheimer with some sort of rake. Wait, I can't read from this! [guests cheer] This is yesterday's paper. [they stop cheering as SpongeBob walks outside] I'm just gonna grab today's paper. [everyone starts to party when he leaves. talking to himself] SpongeBob, you sure know how to throw a party. What would they do without me? [tries to open the door] Locked out? [knocks on the door. Scene cuts to Patrick and Sandy are dancing]

Sandy: This song's got a great beat.

Patrick: Yeah. Knock, knock.

SpongeBob: Gee, I wonder why they don't hear me? [looks through the window and his eyes bug out as he wails. He sees the party, with all the guests dancing and having fun and the music blasting] Oh, no! [cut to the topic cards on the floor and two fish just talking] They're not using the topic cards! They're ad-libbing! [cut to Patrick eating all the deviled eggs in the piñata in one gulp and everyone else cheering him on] Now, they're mad at Patrick! He's hogging the deviled eggs! [scene cuts to two guests laughing] Look at those poor souls, They're so bored, they've gone mad! Oh, no! [paces around his front door in circles] The party's falling into chaos without my hosting talents to guide it. [scene cuts to Patrick and Mrs. Puff talking]

Patrick: So, do you come here often?

Mrs. Puff: No. [phone rings. Patrick answers]

Patrick: Hello, SquarePants residence. What? [covers one ear] I'm sorry, what? [scene cuts to SpongeBob using a pay phone outside, across the street]

SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob!

Patrick: You wanna talk to SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yeah... no, Patrick! I'm SpongeBob! I'm outside!

Patrick: Okay, hold on. [opens door] SpongeBob, are you out here? Phone's for you!

SpongeBob: What? I... [turns around] No, Patrick! Wait! [SpongeBob runs toward the door.]

Patrick: Sorry, he's not out there. [Patrick closes it in front of him before he gets inside]

Scooter: Hey, dude, if you're looking for SpongeBob, he's over by the punch bowl.

Patrick: Thanks. [Patrick hands the phone to an ice sculpture of SpongeBob's head] Here you go, SpongeBob. It's for you. [drops the phone in the punch]

SpongeBob: Phone in punch bowl? That's not even on the schedule. [looks up noticing the bathroom window is open. Scene cuts to Larry looking in the window]

Larry: Larry, my man, you are looking good enough to eat! [the mirror shows a real lobster on a plate] Mmm-mm! Oh, yeah, baby. Could use a little teeth whitener, though. I'm sure SpongeBob won't mind. [looks through the medicine cabinet. He finds a comb with three angles and teeth coming out from them] Hey, check out his crazy comb.

SpongeBob: Oh, no, sounds like someone's rummaging through my medicine cabinet. [climbs up the side of his house] I hope they don't touch my special comb.

Larry: Well, I guess I've aired it out enough. [Larry closes the window on SpongeBob's fingers. SpongeBob falls down screaming. Larry hears the screams] Hey, this party's finally starting to pick up.

SpongeBob: [lands flat on the ground then gets up and looks at his broken fingers] I hope this doesn't interfere with finger puppet theater at 9:20. [wiggles his broken fingers] If I don't get back inside soon and restore order, there might not be time for any of the scheduled events! [scene cuts to inside where Pearl and Mrs. Puff talking to each other]

Pearl: Gee, SpongeBob really knows how to throw a great party!

Mrs. Puff: Oh, yes, everything is quite lovely. [sees SpongeBob spying through the window] Eww, although I don't care for his taste of paintings. [turns the window around]

SpongeBob: I don't even know how that happened. Well, I guess I have no choice. I'm gonna have to tunnel back in! [takes a shovel and digs. Digs up into the middle of the party] Okay, everybody, don't panic. The host has returned. [guests are hopping around the room. Pearl, Sandy, Patrick and an unnamed fish hop on SpongeBob and send him through the hole he dug. The next shot cuts to a close-up of SpongeBob] I can take losing the topic cards and the phone in the punch bowl, [camera zooms out. SpongeBob is now wearing a bunny suit] but I was supposed to lead the bunny hop! This is a bunch of barnacles! [takes a pick-ax to cut the door] I'm breaking in! [a bright light shines at him before he could do so]

Orange Officer: [off-screen] Well, well, well. What do we have here? [camera cuts to a close-up of Orange Officer and his female partner, O'Malley] A burglar bunny. Why do they do it, O'Malley?

Officer O'Malley: I don't know. It's probably how he gets his kicks.

Orange Officer: You criminals make me sick.

SpongeBob: I'm no criminal! I live here! I'm...I'm just throwing a party, I got locked out, I swear!

Orange Officer: [both look at each other for a moment then smile] Well, why didn't you say so? What a terrible misunderstanding!

Officer O'Malley: You have a nice party now, sir! [both walk off]

SpongeBob: Boy, for a second there, I thought I was going to be arrested for breaking into my own house. What an ironic twist that would have been.

Orange Officer: Hey! [SpongeBob yelps; both walk right back] Wait a second, if you're throwing a party... why weren't we invited?

SpongeBob: [stammer-like] But, I... you, uh, I didn't know. The Plan Your Own P-party Kit did-didn't mention the police!

Officer O'Malley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, motor-mouth, tell it to the judge. [handcuffs SpongeBob but the handcuffs are too small] Oh, no. These cuffs are broken.

Orange Officer: Huh, we can't bring him in in broken cuffs. I got an old pair in the car we can use.

[bubble transition to the officers taking SpongeBob to jail in a pillory]

SpongeBob: Is it too late to offer you some punch?

Officer O'Malley: Sir, you have the right to remain silent. [scene cuts to next day]

SpongeBob: All night in the stony lonesome... in a bunny outfit. [tries to open the door] Oh, yeah, the door's locked. [lifts up the welcome mat] Good thing I keep a spare key... under the mat. [grumbles] [inserts key and walks in; the whole place is a big mess from last night] Oh, look at this place! This party was a complete disaster. [Patrick walks up]

Patrick: That was the greatest party any of us have ever been to!

SpongeBob: [surprised] It was?!

Patrick: Oh, without a doubt, you are the best party-thrower ever!

SpongeBob: I am?!

Patrick: Yeah! Whatever you did, you should write it down and do it again next weekend. Thanks again, SpongeBob. See ya! [walks out]

[SpongeBob realizes what Patrick was telling him and smiles]

SpongeBob: SquarePants, you've done it again. I guess I know how to throw a party after all. [Gary's got a lampshade on his head] Gary! Well, it looks like you had a good time.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Good night, Gary. [turns off the light and Patchy reappears, who was laughing crazily]

Patchy: Whew! I'm glad to see that old SpongeBob's party worked out. Now I gotta get me own party going! Potty, are you ready for some real music, hmm?

Potty: [someone puts corks in his ears] Bawk! Okay, ready.

[Patchy is a one-man band, blows a dischordant whistle. He starts singing and playing the accordion and percussion. The audience was intially excited, but later everybody in the house is simply staring at him.]

Patchy: ♪Oh... scurvy ain't for the likes of me, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho... Oh! Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho, yo ho.. Oh, scurvy ain't for the likes of-♪

Potty: Bawk! It's time for your flute solo.

Patchy: Thank you, Potty, I almost forgot...

[Potty gives Patchy the flute. He is about to play it, but Patchy stops.]

Patchy: Hey wait a minute. I don't play a flute. I play a fife. [Patchy turns and sees that the "flute" is actually a lit stick of dynamite; He screams in horror] Potty, no!

[The dynamite explodes and everybody cheers]

Patchy: Wow, I can't believe I survived that one. [realizes his body is destroyed and he is reduced to only a head; he whimpers] Potty, help me!

Potty: Ladies and Gentlemen, bawk! The Bird Brains!

[The Bird Brains begin to perform again. The Bird Brains play the song 'Underwater Sun']

Bird Brains: ♪ Come with me to the land I love, It's not right here, down the street, or up above. It's down below in the deep blue sea. Where SpongeBob lives, and the fun is always free. Down, down, down, to the bottom of the sea. Where our salty friend SpongeBob waits for you and me. [dolphin chirps] Down, down, down, ahh, we'll have lots of fun. You and me forever in the underwater sun. We'll catch some jellyfish if we get a chance, Say hello to Patrick, and do a little dance, Karate chop Sandy, see Squid get a tan, Eat a Krabby Patty and foil Plankton's plan. Down, down, down, to the bottom of the sea. We'll hook up with SpongeBob and his snail Gary. [Gary meows] Down, down, down, ahh, we'll have lots of fun You and me forever in the underwater sun, underwater sun. ♪ [everybody cheers]

Patchy: [has a barrel on wheels for a new body and two wooden poles sticking out of it for arms] Aha! Great job, boys! Thanks for stopping by! Hey, don't let the porthole hit you on the way out. [to the audience] And thank you for stopping by. You've made this party a real fun time. [The doorbell rings]

Potty: Bawk, the ladies are here!

Patchy: Oh! Ladies! Shiver me timbers! Welcome, girlies! [chuckles, but stops because the ladies are female birds and they giggle as they come in and attack him] Huh?! No!

Potty: Goodbye, folks!

Patchy: It's Potty you're after, come here... Stop it!

French Narrator: Thank you for coming to SpongeBob's House Party!

Patchy: Belay the smooching, belay the smooching!