[The episode begins with Bikini Atoll on a dark and stormy night.]

French Narrator: Oh, a dark and stormy night. It's nights like these that remind me of the time Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob thought they killed the health inspector. [chuckles. Stormy night becomes calm day] It was a bright and sunny morning. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where a fish drives up and stops in front of the restaurant. The scene zooms into his badge that reads 'Health Inspector']

Mr. Krabs: [takes a bath in money] Ah... [sniffs] That smells like... [gasps] ...the health inspector! [runs up to SpongeBob in a yellow towel] Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here! [both are peeking out the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is writing on a clipboard] If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, there's no reason to worry. [his eyes widen] The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.

Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son? [pushes SpongeBob out the door] Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him. [SpongeBob walks up to the health inspector, who is still writing on his clipboard at the table]

SpongeBob: What can I get for you... handsome?

Mr. Krabs: [facepalms] We're doomed!

Health Inspector Andy Yellowtail: I'm going to need you to bring me one of everything on the menu.

SpongeBob: [walks backwards back into the kitchen] Excellent choice, my darling. Coming right up! [enters the kitchen, where Mr. Krabs waits] He wants one of everything!

Mr. Krabs: Then we'll give him a smorgasbord! [holds up a tray of a patty, a drink, some fries, and coral bits] The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake! [he and SpongeBob run up to the health inspector]

SpongeBob: Try the Krusty Kelp Dog, sir! [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

Mr. Krabs: The Buttered Barnacles are a touch of heaven. [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

SpongeBob: The Powdered Driftwood is exquisite. [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

Mr. Krabs: Fresh Sludge Pudding? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

SpongeBob: More Diet Red Tide? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

Mr. Krabs: Some Fried Flotsam? [stuffs it in the inspector's mouth]

Health Inspector: Please, gentlemen! [swallows all the food in his mouth] Leave me to finish my work in peace. [clicks his pen, which is actually a fork that comes out. Later, the health inspector has eaten everything on the table and belches]

SpongeBob: And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?

Health Inspector: [writes on his clipboard] So far, so good. I just need to try a plain Krabby Patty and my inspection will be finished.

SpongeBob: [opens the kitchen door] He says if he gets one more Krabby Patty, he'll pass us for the inspection!

Mr. Krabs: [picks up SpongeBob] Do you know what this means, dear boy? We're in the clear! [both dance off then leapfrog over each other across the screen, then do the can-can in dresses until a news report comes on TV]

Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man, who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now.

Mr. Krabs: [enraged, with bloodshot eyes] Free... food?!

SpongeBob: Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.

Mr. Krabs: You looney loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!

SpongeBob: Duped!

Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!

SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!

Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word and I agree with ya! [they both look through the kitchen window at the health inspector, who is wiping his mouth off, finishing his drink, and cleaning his teeth with a toothpick] Look at him. I bet he never changes his underpants.

SpongeBob: I bet he bites whale bubbles.

Mr. Krabs: I bet his mom bought him that hat. [holds up a Krabby Patty] If that impostor wants a Krabby Patty, then by Neptune, we'll give him one. [flicks the top bun off and puts a some volcano sauce on the patty] You're dancin' with the crab man now! Join me, boy, or you're fired!

SpongeBob: It doesn't seem right... [holds up a bottle of seahorse radish] ...but it feels so good! [dumps a spoonful on the patty] Seahorse radish: the gnarliest stuff in the ocean.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, hold on, I've got a jar of toenail clippings in my office! [runs off as SpongeBob drops the patty in the toilet]

SpongeBob: Oops, I dropped it in the toilet! [Mr. Krabs runs in with a smelly sock]

Mr. Krabs: Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with me gym socks! [Bubble transition. The camera zooms in to a disgusting Krabby Patty with what appears to be a pimpled bun and green meat.] Why, that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned! [both are wearing clothespins on their noses]

SpongeBob: I call it the 'Nasty Patty'. [both giggle]

Health Inspector: Hey, hurry up with that patty! [SpongeBob runs in with the patty]

SpongeBob: [speaking quickly] Here you are, sir, enjoy. [runs back into the kitchen]

Health Inspector: Ah, hello, delicious. Come to papa. [as he is about to eat it, a fly flies into his throat, choking him]

Mr. Krabs: [listening from the kitchen] Listen, he ate it! [both look out from the kitchen window] Oh, look at him choke! [both laugh] Look at him suffer! [both keep laughing.] Did you see that, boy? Oh man, that look on his face. [the health inspector slips on some packets of condiments and bangs his head on the table, knocking him out. The fly exits his mouth. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are still laughing. Another TV bulletin comes on]

Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash. The fake inspector has been captured. Here is his picture. [A picture is shown on the TV, but it doesn't look like the real health inspector.] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.

SpongeBob: Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.

Mr. Krabs: [gasps] I don't think he'll be laughing, boy.

SpongeBob: Why, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Because that patty killed him! [both scream, check the inspector again, then scream again]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?

Mr. Krabs: What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty. Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!

SpongeBob: But you told me to give it to him!

Mr. Krabs: Well, you could've talked me out of it!

SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs, I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison, they'll mop up the floor with me. [Mr. Krabs grabs him]

Mr. Krabs: Get a hold of yourself, boy! We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it. We've got to take it out and bury it. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs on a muddy hill.]

SpongeBob: [disgusted] Eww, gross, germs, it's all icky and corpse-y! [gagging and shrieking while constantly spraying it with disinfectant] Eww... eww... [drags the body with a tissue]

Mr. Krabs: This should be far enough. Now, get diggin'! [hands SpongeBob a shovel]

SpongeBob: Yes, sir. [while digging a big hole, his shovel hits something]

Mr. Krabs: What's the holdup down there?

SpongeBob: There's a big rock in the way!

Mr. Krabs: Well, toss it out and get back to diggin'!

SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye aye, sir! [grunts as he tosses the huge rock behind him]

Health Inspector: Oh... where am I? [grunts as the rock hits him in the head knocking him out again, groans]

Mr. Krabs: Something ain't quite right.

SpongeBob: What do you mean, Mr. Krabs? [The health inspector's head is out of the ground]

Mr. Krabs: His head's sticking out!

SpongeBob: [covers his head with more sand] Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought he might need some air.

Mr. Krabs: They don't need air where he's going.

SpongeBob: Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?

Mr. Krabs: Uhh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere, and, uh...

SpongeBob: [bawling] What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why... why... why?! [Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs: Listen here, ya little barnacle. No one, and I mean no one can ever know about this. It'll be the end of you, it'll be the end of me. And worst of all, it'll be the end of me!

Orange Incidental 118: [shines a flashlight on them] Stop right where you are! I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you. [SpongeBob hangs on Mr. Krabs]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I'm too young to go to jail! [Mr. Krabs covers his mouth]

Mr. Krabs: And what would be the charges?

Officer John: For not being at the Krusty Krab to whip us up a couple of dee-licious Krabby Patties! [both police officers laugh. Mr. Krabs laughs nervously]

Mr. Krabs: Laugh, boy. [SpongeBob laughs. It rains. The rain washes away the dirt burying the health inspector and he slides down the hill]

Incidental 118B: Put that muddy shovel in the trunk and we'll give you a ride back. [SpongeBob is still laughing until Mr. Krabs hits him. Mr. Krabs opens the trunk and SpongeBob puts the shovel in it]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, listen carefully: We're just getting a lift back to the Krusty Krab. I need you to stay calm and don't lose your cool, understand? [SpongeBob looks down and goes in shock]

SpongeBob: Can I lose my cool now?

Mr. Krabs: Why? [SpongeBob points to the health inspector, who has now slid down the hill. Both scream, Mr. Krabs grabs the body and gives it to SpongeBob] Put him in the trunk, boy! I'll keep them cops busy.

Officer John: What's the holdup back there? [Mr. Krabs starts talking to him as a distraction]

SpongeBob: Oh, Neptune! Get away! [throws the inspector in the trunk then sprays himself with disinfectant.] Ooh...ahh-ahh... [slams the trunk on the health inspector, who was waking up] A-hem... Okay! All set back here. Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the trunk. [laughs nervously]

Mr. Krabs: All set. [SpongeBob slides in almost motionlessly]

SpongeBob: Ahh... [starts to shake]

Officer Nancy: You okay there, little fella?

Mr. Krabs: Ooh, he gets carsick real easy.

Officer John: Well, buckle up and we'll drive real smooth-like. [drives off]

Mr. Krabs: Now listen, SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab I want you to take that [winks] shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...er... I mean, stow it in the freezer. Un-der-stand?

SpongeBob: I understand, Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo... [is about to say "body"]

Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob's lips] ...ttles of soda! Bottles of soda, Same thing, put 'em in the freezer. [Nancy stares at them funny. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob laugh. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is bringing the body to the back]

SpongeBob: Oh, man, this is so gross! [tries to open the door, but there is a lock] The back door is locked! What am I gonna do?! [scene cuts to inside the Krusty Krab with John and Nancy laughing. SpongeBob enters with a big hat where the health inspector is in it]

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob. Heh. I thought you were out back, taking care of that [angrily] shovel! [twitches and winks his eyes]

SpongeBob: Well, the back door was locked, so I came around here...eh. [his hat sags over, and SpongeBob puts it back in position] So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put my hat in the freezer now. [walks to the kitchen very carefully]

Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, SpongeBob.

Officer John: Is that kid okay?

Officer Nancy: He's acting a little funny.

Mr. Krabs: Funny? Oh, yeah. [laughs] He's a real cut-up, that one. He knows how to keep the crew in stitches. Good one, boy! Always on, that one. There's no "off" on his funny switch. [laughs, SpongeBob stumbles with the Health Inspector in his hat as John, Nancy, and Mr. Krabs look on] Oh, ah, oh stop it. Oh, you're, you're killing me. [laughs, SpongeBob is trying to get through a door but his hat is too big. Mr. Krabs bangs the cash drawer open] Oh! Look, I almost forgot! It's Open Cash Register Night! First two customers get all the money in the cash register! [hands out the money. SpongeBob gets his hat inside the kitchen]

Officer John: [listens to his walkie-talkie] 86 those patties, Krabs. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff over by Shallow Grave Road.

Officer Nancy: I want a soda. [Mr. Krabs gives her one]

Mr. Krabs: Here's your soda. Always a pleasure to serve the folks in blue. Well, goodbye now.

Officer Nancy: Hey, there's no ice.

Mr. Krabs: [nervous] Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want, you want ice? Is that what you want? [SpongeBob slides on screen]

SpongeBob: The dark deed you requested is done, sir.

Officer Nancy: [walks to the kitchen] I'll get it myself. Ice is in the freezer, ri...? [Mr. Krabs runs to block the freezer door]

Mr. Krabs: There is no ice! There's never been any ice. Ice is just a myth!

Officer Nancy: Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder.

Mr. Krabs: Okay! I confess! [points to SpongeBob] SpongeBob killed him!

SpongeBob: What?! You can't pin this whole rap on me!

Mr. Krabs: He was insane, out of control! He would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along!

SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs' idea!

Mr. Krabs: Put him down now, he's a mad dog!

SpongeBob: He wears curlers to bed!

Mr. Krabs: Wait! It's not what you think!

Officer Nancy: What are you two talking about?

Mr. Krabs: We killed the health inspector, buried him and then stuffed his body in the freezer!

Officer Nancy: You mean in here? [opens the freezer, but it's empty]

Mr. Krabs: It's empty?

Officer Nancy: Is this some kind of a joke?

Mr. Krabs: Yeah... a joke! [SpongeBob giggles]

Officer Nancy: Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out. [everyone laughs. Just then a fish walks up moaning]

SpongeBob: [screams] It's the zombie! [the inspector turns the lights on]

Health Inspector: Hey, you guys...

Officer John: [hits the inspector on the head with an anchor] Take that, you zombie! [inspector now has a huge bump on his head]

Officer Nancy: I'll take it from here. [hits the inspector on the head with a barrel] Die, zombie!

Officer John: Good police work, Officer Nancy. Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector.

Health Inspector: Yes. And at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this. [gives Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob a note with the word 'pass' on it checked]

SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs, look. We passed the inspection!

Everyone: Hooray! [everyone walks out of the kitchen]

Mr. Krabs: Come on, everybody. Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.

Health Inspector: [tries to crawl out] Oh, boy, I'd like a Krabby Patty. [door slams in his face. Scene cuts to Bikini Atoll where it’s stormy again]

French Narrator: Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?