[The episode starts with Squidward leaving his house on a bicycle while he hums a tune.]

Squidward: There's my hat... and there's that, and here we go. [starts riding his bicycle to work and passes a tall piece of stalk with a treehouse on top of it with SpongeBob and Patrick in it]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling]

SpongeBob: Wey, wook. It's Widward!

Squidward: What?

SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]

SpongeBob: Widward's woing to work.

SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]

Squidward: [growls]

Patrick: Where does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab?

SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs]

Squidward: What's that supposed to be? Some kind of stupid secret code?

SpongeBob: We can't tell you, 'cause you're not a member of the club.

Squidward: Oh, yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron... [laughs again] as a requirement. [laughs again]

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you couldn't get in even if you tried!

Squidward: Huh? Well, I'll have you know that I am a member of over 20 different exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!

Patrick: [whispering to SpongeBob] What did he say?

SpongeBob: [whispering to Patrick] I don't know, something about his nose?

Patrick: [sticks his head out of the "Clubhouse" and talks to Squidward] Squidward, you and your nose will definitely not fit in!

Squidward: Oh, what do you two zeros know about fitting in? [takes off his hat and starts to climb up the "Clubhouse"] Why, you should be begging me to join!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! Squidward, no, no, no! Stop! No, no, no, stop, please, please! Stop, Squidward! You can't join! You can't join! Can't join! You can't get in!

[Squidward grunts as he tries to get in the "Clubhouse"]

Squidward: Well, this is stupid. There's no room up here!

Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!

SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for 3 days.

Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in.

Squidward: [sneers]

SpongeBob: Well, since you're here, Squidward, we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready, Patrick?

Patrick: Ready!

SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing] Welcome to our club! Welcome to our club! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squidward! Welcome Squid--

Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes! [grabs a stalk beside the one holding up the "Clubhouse" and pulls it while the other one is going down] I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club! [gets to the floor but the stalk snaps and the stalk holding up the "Clubhouse" flings back very fast and the "Clubhouse" flies off it, then starts screaming]

Nancy: Whoa!

Frank: Make a wish, honey.

[Squidward continues screaming. The "Clubhouse" falls into the Kelp Forest of seaweed.]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Again! Oh, yeah! Again! [victory screech]

Squidward: Oh, no! That didn't just happen! Please tell me that didn't happen!

Patrick: What happened?

[SpongeBob shrugs. Squidward runs around the "Clubhouse"]

Squidward: Where are we? We're lost! There's no way out! Stuck... in the middle of nowhere... with SpongeBob and Patrick!

[SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward who starts crying.]

Squidward: Oh, why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery?! Why?!

SpongeBob: Oh, cheer up, Squid, it could be worse.

Patrick: Yeah, you could be bald and have a big nose.

[The camera cuts to Squidward's big-nosed and bald head, which deflates.]

Squidward: Well... this is the end. [head falls on the ground]

SpongeBob: No, it's not, Squidward!

Patrick: [building coffins] It's not?

SpongeBob: Come on, guys, we're gonna be fine! [patting Squidward's head] As long as we stick together. Remember, we're a club!

SpongeBob and Patrick: [they do the victory screech again]

SpongeBob: And besides, we have this! [pulls out a conch shell]

Squidward: What's that?

Patrick: Oh! The Magic Conch Shell! Ask it something, ask it something!

SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]

Magic Conch: Maybe, someday.

SpongeBob and Patrick: [giggling] Ooh!

Squidward: You've got to be kidding! That is just a stupid toy! How can that possibly help us?!

SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, we must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch! The club always takes its advice before we do anything!

Patrick: The shell knows all!

SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch Shell. What do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? [pulls the string attached to the Magic Conch]

Magic Conch: Nothing.

Patrick: The shell has spoken!

Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting down doing nothing]

Squidward: [growls] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy!

[SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing]

Squidward: [growls again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity! [starts walking away in the Kelp Forest] But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down! Sad clowns... [laughs] sad... [laughs again] clowns. [laughs again. Later, he begins to run fast and grows scared and starts panting rapidly] What was that?! I was already here! Which way do I go?! Oh, I'm lost! [trips and falls] Oh... I'm hopelessly lost! I'll never get out of here! [sees light] Huh? [laughing. He goes toward the light] I'm free! Take that, SpongeBob and Patrick! [pumps fists in the air and starts laughing triumphantly but sees SpongeBob and Patrick] Huh? Oh... [falls on the ground] There's no way out of here. [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick still doing nothing. A stick is thrown at Patrick's head. Squidward is putting a pan over a fire] How's it going over there at Club Shell-for-Brains? Mmm-mmm-mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for Club Squidward tonight? [spots a bug running around so he steps on it] Ah... [puts the bug on the pan and walks over to SpongeBob and waves the pan over his nose] Doesn't that smell good, SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days. [walks over to Patrick] How about you, Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat. Well, you can't have any. [walks away from Patrick] And do you know why, SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell! [shakes his butt in SpongeBob's face] If you had listened to me, you'd have food, shelter, and a roaring fire. But instead you listened to a talking clam... [moves back to Club Squidward] that tells you nothing! [stirs the pan] As if the answers to all your problems will fall right out of the sky! [laughs] Fall right out of the sky! [camera switches to an airplane falling out of the sky]

Scooter: Dude, we're falling right out of the sky! We gotta drop the load! [presses the "Drop the Load" button. The airplane drops picnic supplies to where SpongeBob and Patrick are]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch! [victory screech. Squidward stares shockingly. The bug gets up, hits him with the stick, and runs off. SpongeBob and Patrick eat. SpongeBob eats two hamburgers. Patrick eating a whole turkey in one bite. Now, when SpongeBob and Patrick are drinking, SpongeBob is drinking a can of soda and Patrick is drinking a bottle of ketchup. They laugh and Squidward goes to them]

Squidward: Uh, hey, uh, SpongeBob... that sure is a lot of food you got there.

SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch.

Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious! [gasps] Oh! Smoked sausages, my favorite! [smells them but Patrick sucks them in and Squidward's nose too. He pulls his nose out] Uh, hey, uh, [laughs] SpongeBob, I... you know, I was just kidding around earlier and I mean, I'm... I'm still part of the club, right? And... and-and-and-and after all, the club's gotta stick together, and I mean... you know, I, um... [stammers; While he is saying all this, SpongeBob is eating a cookie and is drinking a glass of orange juice]

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Squidward: Um... uh... yeah?

SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!

SpongeBob and Patrick: [clink glasses] To the club! [victory screech]

Squidward: Uh, yeah. [mimics the victory screech, weakly] Now, uh, if you'll excuse me... [runs to the table with all the food] What shall I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?

SpongeBob: Why don't you ask... the Magic Conch, Squidward?

Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.

[Squidward prepares to eat but SpongeBob and Patrick pull the table away and block it.]

SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The conch is the one who gave us this banquet! This copyrighted conch is the cornerstone of our organization!

Patrick: [whispering] Maybe he's not a brother.

[SpongeBob looks at Squidward wide-eyed.]

Squidward: [chuckles] Hey, you guys have it all wrong. I love this, uh, piece of plastic. [takes the Magic Conch from SpongeBob] Uh, hello there. Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?

Magic Conch: Neither.

Squidward: Oh, then how about the soup?

Magic Conch: I don't think so.

Squidward: [becomes annoyed] Could I have anything to eat?

Magic Conch: No.

Squidward: No?! What do you mean no?! I'm starving here!

Patrick: [takes the Magic Conch] Here, let me try! Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?

Magic Conch: No.

Patrick: Hmm... [happily] Could I have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?

Magic Conch: Yes.

Patrick: All right! [vacuums in the sandwich and burps] Sorry, Squidward.

Squidward: Give me that! [grabs the Magic Conch] Could I have something to eat?!

Magic Conch: No.

Squidward: Could I have something to eat?!

Magic Conch: No.

Squidward: Could I have something to eat?!

Magic Conch: No.

Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?!

Magic Conch: Try asking again.

Squidward: [asks excitedly with a hopeful grin on his face] Can I have something to eat?

Magic Conch: [in a very insulting, sarcastic tone] No.

[Squidward grits his teeth and grows enraged, stammering out of control.]

SpongeBob: Squidward, are you all right?

[Squidward shakes his head uncontrollably.]

Patrick: Maybe we should ask the shell if he's okay.

Kelp Forest Ranger: [offscreen] Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Hello?! [reveals himself after he cuts through the kelp with a machete, then gasps and sees SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward dirty] Do you folks need some help?

Squidward: [gasps] I'm saved! [runs over to the forest ranger] You don't know how happy I am to see you! I have been stranded out here for weeks with these two barnacle heads and their Magic Conch Shell!

Kelp Forest Ranger: Magic... Conch Shell? [pulls out a Magic Conch Shell] You mean like this? [says this while cross-eyed and having two big teeth]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [jump but they stop in midair] The Magic Conch! A club member!

Kelp Forest Ranger: [victory screech]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [victory screech]

Squidward: [dumbstruck] Abra.

Kelp Forest Ranger: My conch told me to come save you guys!

SpongeBob, Patrick and Kelp Forest Ranger: Hooray for the magic conches!

Kelp Forest Ranger: [we see Squidward in the background looking unhappy] All right, Magic Conch... what do we do now?

Magic Conch: Nothing.

SpongeBob, Patrick, and Kelp Forest Ranger: All hail the Magic Conch! [sit down doing nothing, while Squidward, still dumbstruck, moves in between them]

Squidward: All hail the Magic Conch! [sits down with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Kelp Forest Ranger]