French Narrator: Ahoy, kids. It's time for SpongeBob's
You Wish Spectacular Special!
Old-time crowd: Hooray!
French Narrator: And now the host of You Wish. He's
got puffier pantaloons than Captain Kidd, and fuzzier facial hair than
Blackbeard. He's America's favorite Pirate, Patchy of Encino!
Patchy: [opens the door] Ahoy, fellow fanatics!
Welcome to me quarters. Why don't come on back on the galley, I'm cooking up a
little treat for you today. [walks inside, and to the kitchen] It's
call-in-and-vote time. You get to choose how our cartoon ends today, via the
phone, or the Internet if you're technologically inclined. Now this cartoon is
different from most cartoons in that-
Potty: Bawk! In what way?
Patchy: Well, if it isn't my less-than-amusing
sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.
Potty: Help! I'm being held here against my will.
Help!
Patchy: [threateningly] Argh...! [Potty flies away]
Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Where'd you go? [enters something] Potty?
You in there, buddy? Potty? Potty?
[Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon
that is pointing outside the window]
Potty: [laughing and squawking] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha.
Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The
cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house
which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast]
Now, what was I saying? [walks to his desk with so many phones and sits down]
Now, this cartoon ain't like most of your "land-lubbing cartoons."
This cartoon has not one, not two, but three different endings! So, when I tell
you to, call the number that's scrolling down there at the bottom of the
screen: 1 (800) 624-4094 or go to Nick.com. ["1 (800) 624-4094"
appears on the bottom of the screen (in the First 100 Episodes and Paramount+
versions, it says "Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been
retired to Davy Jones locker!" instead). Phone starts ringing. Patchy
picks up phone] No, not now! Don't call till I tell you to! Roll the cartoon!
Now, remember to vote at the end because- [More phones start to ring] You're
not gonna make this easy, are ya? Quiet! Avast there! Belay that ringing! Stop!
It's driving me mad!
[episode starts]
SpongeBob: [yawns] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight
essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor
comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward]
Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes
his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!
Squidward: [looks at the anchor] That's not a baby!
That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name
it?
Patrick: How about...
Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope?
I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [the anchor crashes into Squidward's
house] Now look what you've done!
SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are
clean! [he and Patrick show their spotless hands]
Patrick: Clean...
Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this thing.
SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward looks
at SpongeBob and he narrows his eyelids. Squidward starts to climb the rope]
SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!
Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick also start
climbing the rope]
French Narrator: A few inches later...
SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!
Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in
your little fantasy world?
SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship! [A giant green ship
is seen. Patrick is shocked to see he was wrong while Squidward is not fazed.]
Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give
this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky
green glow around it.
Squidward: That's probably because its
good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right
place.
SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all three reach the top]
Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a
door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I
wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]
SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring
a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]
Patrick: Yes!
SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't
place the name. [He walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying
Dutchman." Squidward angrily pounds on the door until the Flying Dutchman
suddenly pops out]
Flying Dutchman: [roaring aggressively]
Aaargh-oowh-waagh!
SpongeBob: No, no, it's not
"Aaargh-oowh-waagh"!
Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
SpongeBob: That's it! [stupidly] Squidward, this ship
belongs to the Red Baron!
Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying
Dutchman's own lair?
SpongeBob: [oblivious] It's Squidward. He wants to
complain to you. [the Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward as he
waits for answer]
Squidward: [nervously] I... no, I don't.
SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him
having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [the Flying Dutchman glares angrily
at Squidward]
Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that.
Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than
insultin' his mother!
SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was
dirty, not his ship. [the Flying Dutchman shoots fire out his nose frying up
Squidward]
Squidward: [screams] Ow.
Flying Dutchman: [looks over to SpongeBob and Patrick]
You're next!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [jumps off the ship] That was a
close one! [land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
SpongeBob: [he and Patrick scream and jump off the
ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob and Patrick
jump off the ship]
Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they
get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [the Flying Dutchman zaps
Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?
Patrick: Probably. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?
Patrick: Uhh...
Squidward: [covers Patrick's mouth with his tentacle]
No, no, they're not. Whew. [the Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost
Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited
or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes his
rule book] And, uhh [opens his rule book], ever. [closes his rule book again]
Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?
Flying Dutchman: [zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part
of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be
grueling, mind-numbing, and repetitive. Just like... daytime television.
Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think
I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I
mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [holds up a green jockstrap] Whoever
told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea...
[the Flying Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're
gonna show me... [the Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee,
that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [the Flying Dutchman
tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair. Squidward screams as he falls inside
the Fly of Despair. Although, in Latin Spanish, Squidward yells "Hey, what
is this?! Some act of magic!?" SpongeBob and Patrick watch Squidward
disappear from sight with a clearly worried expression.]
Flying Dutchman: [closes the Fly of Despair] Would
anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
SpongeBob: [terrified] No! We know our place now, Mr.
Dutchman.
Patrick: [terrified as well] We'll do anything you
say!
Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can... swab
the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!
Patrick: And I got this hat!
Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini
Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good
and scary!
SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good... and
scary. Well, I think we can probably...
Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look
so good that it's scary.
SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you
forget that it doesn't look good!
Patrick: I don't get it.
SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...
Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want
it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in
the sink.
SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?
Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick
are scared and start mopping]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing, while sweeping with
the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for
sure!
Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with
me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]
SpongeBob: [bleats like a sheep]
Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
Flying Dutchman: [howls like a wolf]
SpongeBob: [bleats like a sheep]
Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [the Flying
Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off. His call devolves into
off-key yodeling] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [the Flying Dutchman going
to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [the
Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off]
Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!
[very long and awkward silence]
Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One,
since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first
victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins a
telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [The telescope points
to a big tough guy. The Flying Dutchman stares wide eyed, then nervously blows
on the telescope, spinning it slightly to land on a little kid]
Billy: [sing-song voice] I had four biscuits, and I
ate one. Then I only had three!
Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see
children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.
Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [the ship moves
scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]
SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good.
You're good... and... stop. Don't worry, Cap'n, we'll buff out those scratches.
Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump
out when I give the signal. [the Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a
rock]
Flying Dutchman: Boo! [Billy screams] Prepare to be
burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to
SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confuse]
SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry,
just... just do it again.
Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my
ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a
little trick with his fingers]
Patrick: How does he do that?
Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.
SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!
Billy: Those guys are dorks.
Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back
to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the
ship; the Flying Dutchman has an annoyed facial expression]
SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [the
Flying Dutchman scares a woman by showing flames in his mouth but is
interrupted when SpongeBob blows bubbles and Patrick shakes a gray board. Later
the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the rocks; The Flying
Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good. You're good.
You're good. [the Flying Dutchman goes through the wall to scare Larry but
SpongeBob and Patrick simply slam on the wall as they unsuccessfully attempt to
scare Larry. Later the ship is still getting wrecked as they move through the
rocks; The Flying Dutchman has the same annoyed facial expression] You're good.
You're good. You're good. [the Flying Dutchman scares Frank by rotating his
head while SpongeBob and Patrick skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why
do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?
Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
SpongeBob: Like movie passes?
Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start
bouncing insanely]
Flying Dutchman: I've been thinkin'. Stop bouncin'!
[both stop and freeze in place instantly] This whole crew for eternity thing
isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
SpongeBob: You're setting us free?
Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat
you. See you at dinner! [closes the door. SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!
SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?
Patrick: Let's leave!
SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out
is through the... perfume department. [points to a live-action room full of
perfume and customers]
Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the
department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume. Someone even goes as far
as removing Patrick's gas mask and spraying him in the face with perfume. And
one spray goes into SpongeBob's mouth. They exit the department]
SpongeBob: [panting] I always hate going in there!
Patrick: Yeah.
SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen!
[the Flying Dutchman is in his room]
Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to
eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just
for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember
the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir,
sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices
his sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back
my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
SpongeBob: Never!
Flying Dutchman: Okay, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob
but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!
SpongeBob: No! [the sock begins to tear]
Flying Dutchman: [panicking] Wait, you're stretching
out the elastic!
Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.
Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You
give me back the sock, and I'll give you... three wishes.
Patrick: Make it five.
Flying Dutchman: Four.
Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.
Flying Dutchman: Okay... uhh, three. You get three
wishes.
SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?
Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier!
[the clock goes backwards one minute]
Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left.
[Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [taps Patrick on the shoulder] Well, we
still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this!
[Squidward is screaming as he still falls through the Fly Of Despair and
crashes onto his bed]
Squidward: [relieved] Boy, I'm glad all that's over!
[disappears and reappears on the ship.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back!
[Squidward looks around shocked.]
SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three
wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the
second one.
Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because
you got me back into this mess!
Patrick: [protesting] Wait! I think it belongs to me!
[everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why
should you get a wish...
SpongeBob: [angrily] Well, that's not right because...
Squidward: [angrily] No, that's mine...! [their
arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling, and shouting]
Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic
other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the
eeny-meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe,
if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and...
Voting Guy: All hands! All hands! Time to vote! It's
voting time!
Patchy: Well, that's our cartoon so far. Now it's time
for you to decide how it ends! Who will get the last wish? Will it be Sassy
Squidward, Portly Patrick, or Good Ol' SpongeBob? Just dial the number below: 1
(800) 624-4094 or go to Nick.com and tell us who you be choosing. ["1
(800) 624-4094" appears on the bottom of the screen (again, in The First
100 Episodes and The Best 200 Episodes Ever versions, it has been changed to
"Yikes matey! Original 800 number as aired has been retired to Davy Jones
locker!")] My trusty crew is eagerly awaiting your call. [Potty is shown
sleeping against phones and a quote bubble with "Z" slides in] So,
hoist your anchor of that couch, and make with the voting! This is your big
chance, and we'll be right back to announce... the winner! [Commercial break
(in the original phone number version during break, this happens)] That's it,
kids! Keep calling! It's almost time! Get those votes in! A-ha-ha! Whoo!
Democracy! A-ha-ha! Whoo! This is Patchy. Please hold. Potty's not here. Well,
not yet. A-ha-ha-ha! [after commercial break] Ahoy children, I'm back! I hope
all you boys and girls got your votes in, because it's time for you to walk the
plank!
[Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY]
Patchy: Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say was it's
time to announce the winner! [blows horn] But first, let's look at the endings
you didn't choose. According to our high-tech counter-ology, you didn't
choose... Patrick. [An image of Patrick is shown, with a skull in front of
him.] But, let's see what Patrick would've wished for if you picked him. OK!
Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the- oh god!
Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] My
mother told me to pick the very best one and you are it! [stops on Patrick.]
[Patrick's ending plays]
Patchy: Heh heh heh. That Patrick shivers me timbers
right down to my peg leg! Ha ha ha! You were right not to pick that one kids!
Seemed like a lot of nonsense to me! Malarkey! Oh well, let's take a look at
the other loser! Heh heh heh! [An image of Squidward is shown, with a skull in
front of him.] It appears you didn't vote for Squidward! I don't blame you, I
wouldn't have either. But, let's see what would have happened if the Old
Dutchman's Meeny-Miney-Mo finger landed on Squidward!
Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You
are it! [stops on Squidward]
[Squidward's ending plays]
Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting
for, So get ready to blow milk out of your nose because it's time to
announce... the winner! The envelope please, Potty. Thank you, my fine
feathered assistant. Well, what do you know? The winner is... SpongeBob! [A
flag is shown with SpongeBob with the words "Winner" on the left
side, Patchy sniffs the air] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty!
That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [blows up
along with Patchy, who coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]
Patchy: And now, the most requested ending! Hooray!
[Potty collapses to the floor]
Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You
are it! [stops on SpongeBob]
[SpongeBob's ending plays]
Patchy: [sitting at the couch crying] Hold on! [blows
nose] Sorry about that, kids! It’s just that old Patchy can't help but get all
choked up at the end of a show. But the good news is, when you watch this
cartoon land-lubbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you
picked, so now you're an official big time cartoon decision maker! [cuts to a
bunch of monkeys performing with musical instruments at a zoo] Just don't let
it go to your head! Well, say good night to the folks, Potty! Potty!
Potty: Squawk! I quit! I quit!
Patchy: [growls] Well, that's it folks. Right now,
I've got a little "employee management" to take care of. Oh, Potty!
Potty, get in your nice cage!
Potty: Brawk! I don't think so!
French Narrator: [while they argue] And so, we
conclude SpongeBob's You Wish Spectacular Special. Thanks for voting.
Patchy: Ow!