Act 1

[The scene pans over live-action houses.]

French Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club: Patchy the Pirate. [the exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears. Inside, Patchy is wrapping presents]

Patchy the Pirate: [to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho. [notices he's on air] Oh! Hi! [waves] I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club! [notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye. He switches his patch over to the other eye] Hey, that's better! [Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in]

Potty the Parrot: [squawks] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. [he limps over to the fireplace] And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. [he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge] Why, I'll bet old SpongeBob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! [He picks up a picture of SpongeBob. Cuts to SpongeBob, holding a remote]

SpongeBob: I sure am! [He presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters] I'm ready! [Patchy laughs]

Patchy: Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. [he puts down SpongeBob's picture] And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. [He picks up a picture of Patrick. Cuts to Patrick standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zooms out to reveal a single ornament hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground. Patrick then falls to the ground as well. Now, Patchy is mixing cookie dough] I too am also preparing for Christmas. [he lifts up the mixer] Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! [he takes a lick] Mmm...

Potty: [squawks] Potty want cookie dough! [Potty flies over, squawking] Cookie! [Patchy ducks]

Patchy: Potty! No! [Potty flies back and forth]

Potty: Cookie! [squawks]

Patchy: Get out of here!

Potty: Cookie!

Patchy: Potty!

Potty: [squawks] Give us a lick!

Patchy: Back off, you flying freak! [Potty flies on the counter]

Potty: [squawks] Clarify please.

Patchy: [the cookies are shaped like SpongeBob and Patrick] This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots.

[Cuts to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Patchy looks out the window]

Patchy: What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!

Children: [off-screen] Free ice cream! [Patchy laughs]

Patchy: No, you silly livers. [sternly] No!

Potty: [squawks] Man overboard? [Patchy walks over to a desk]

Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. [he sits down] No, it's time to open fan letters! [Potty flies over with a letter in his beak]

Potty: [squawks] Here you go! [Patchy tugs at it]

Patchy: Thank you, Potty. [Potty is not letting go] Yeah. Okay Potty, thank you! [Potty squawks, still not letting go] Come on, give it, you birdbrain! [Potty squawks some more] Quiet, infernal bird! [He uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's strings. Potty squawks and falls to the ground. Patchy nods] Hmm. [he sits back down] This letter comes to us from...

Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over. He pulls up his eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up]

Patchy: And he writes, "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."

Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy gets up and takes off his glasses. Now his eye patch is back on]

Patchy: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.

Potty: [squawks] They didn't?

Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. [He pulls down Potty's strings. Potty falls to the ground, and a puppeteer falls down from above the set. Patchy hangs a homemade SpongeBob ornament on a Christmas tree. Zooms out, showing the entire tree, which is decorated with many similar SpongeBob, as well as ornaments featuring Patrick and Squidward, and a few gift boxes] There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. [he snaps his fingers] Hey! Who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob's very first Christmas? [Cuts to Potty, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Patchy turns around] Potty? [Patchy sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise] You ate all me cookie dough! [Potty is now incredibly fat. Potty's body and strings fall off, leaving only the bird's head]

Potty: Squ-ouch! [Patchy shrugs]

Patchy: Oh, well, on with the show!

[Plays the title card and opening credits. Afterwards, a bubble transition plays, revealing a sunset with Sandy's treedome. SpongeBob is shown waiting on a hill near Sandy's treedome, wearing karate gloves]

SpongeBob: [laughs] Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Sandy with a super sneaky karate move. [practices karate and sneaks over to Sandy's door as Sandy hums "Jingle Bells"]

SpongeBob: What diabolical act is she committing now? [Sandy plugs in Christmas lights outside her tree and SpongeBob freaks out] Fire! Don't worry, Sandy, I'm coming! Stand back, Sandy, fire! [rushes inside and instead of throwing water on tree, he throws it on Sandy] Huh? So I guess there's no fire?

Sandy: What in the name of the Alamo is wrong with you, SpongeBob? Ain't you never seen a Christmas tree before?

SpongeBob: Christmas who?

Sandy: What?! Y'all never heard of Christmas?

SpongeBob: Is she a friend from Texas?

Sandy: [laughs] No. I can't believe you haven't heard of... [makes an adorable face] ...Christmas.

SpongeBob: Tell me more about this... [imitates Sandy] ..."Christmas."

Patchy: And so, Sandy wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, she told of the one they call, Santa Claus. [SpongeBob's eyes widen]

[The next day at The Krusty Krab]

SpongeBob: [standing on a table towards Squidward, Patrick and Mr. Krabs] And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake.

Squidward: Yawn.

SpongeBob: But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you.

Patrick: Just like a genie. [laughs]

Mr. Krabs: I dunno about you, lubbers, but any fella who's giving away free stuff, is a friend o' mine.

SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Mr. Krabs. [grabs a piece of paper and pencil] Here you go! You can get started on your letter.

Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick: Like a genie.

Mr. Krabs: Pipe down, Squidward. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Santa Claus.

Squidward: Oh, brother.

Patrick: Yeah.

SpongeBob: Okay, who's next?

Patrick: Ooh, ooh, me, me!

Squidward: Ooh.

SpongeBob: Here you go, Patrick.

Patrick: There's no words on this paper.

SpongeBob: Not yet.

Patrick: [grabs a pencil] Yippee! A writing stick.

SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. Write a letter.

Squidward: SpongeBob, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. [Patrick's letter tears in half]

Patrick: SpongeBob, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?

SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Squid... [Patrick rips his again] ...ward.

Patrick: Uhh, SpongeBob... [hands him another piece] Thanks. [sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil] Dear Sant... [paper rips] D'oh! Not again.

SpongeBob: Here, Patrick, watch me. [starts to write] Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk here in Bikini Bottom. That is my wish. [puts the letter in a bottle] Patrick, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole!

[SpongeBob presses it and the bottle shoots up to the surface]

Patrick: Santa! Haha. Where's Santa?

SpongeBob: Santa doesn't come till Christmas Eve.

Mr. Krabs: Okay boy, my demands, uhh, I mean, letter, is ready to go.

SpongeBob: Great, Mr. Krabs. What did you wish for?

Mr. Krabs: A pony.

SpongeBob: Really?

Mr. Krabs: With saddle bags full of money! [shoots a bottle up to the surface]

Patrick: Here you go, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: What did you wish for, Patrick?

Patrick: Another piece of paper. [bottle shoots up to the surface]

SpongeBob: And what did you wish for, little girl?

Little girl: Front teeth!

Cowboy: I could use a new hat!

Incidental 22: I need a new hairstyle!

Incidental 85: I'd like a glass of water for my teeth.

[lots of bottles get shot up to the surface]

Squidward: Excuse me, coming through, out of the way.

SpongeBob: Great, Squidward, you finished. What's your wish?

Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.

SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Okay, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival.

Everyone: Hooray!

[Bubble transition to the musical number, "The Very First Christmas"]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [chopping down the coral tree] ♪ It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday / Not your normal, average, everyday ♪

Squidward: ♪ Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree / SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me? ♪

SpongeBob and Patrick: [holding hands and dancing in circles] ♪ The world feels like it's in loverly ♪

Squidward: ♪ Go away before I harm you bodily! ♪ [dumps garbage on SpongeBob and Patrick]

SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me. [SpongeBob handles a cart full of Christmas presents, while Patrick uses red and green sleigh bells as his eyes before being covered in snow.] There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow. ♪

SpongeBob: ♪ Hey, Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe? ♪

Squidward: ♪ What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go! ♪

Plankton: ♪ People seem a little more brotherly ♪

Mr. Krabs: [showing a fruitcake] ♪ Here's a special something to you from me ♪

SpongeBob and Patrick: [as Plankton throws the fruitcake into the trash full of other fruitcakes] ♪ Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly. [Gary meows. Patrick covers one of the jellyfish with the container and shakes it to resemble a holiday light.] This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me. ♪

[SpongeBob is seen dancing with different Christmas backgrounds, and later outside Squidward's house after opening Squidward's front door while Squidward tries to play puzzles.]

SpongeBob: ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! ♪

Squidward: ♪ What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy? ♪

SpongeBob and Patrick: [They play and toss the large candy canes, with Patrick swallowing.] ♪ Step outside, we've got something for you to see ♪

[Squidward walks outside to see everything decorated on his house]

Squidward: ♪ SpongeBob, take this stuff down immediately! ♪

SpongeBob and Patrick: [two fish at a campfire] ♪ Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree ♪

Citizens: ♪ Tonight things are as good as they seem to be! ♪

Patrick: [hurls from the teeter-totter to atop the coral tree] ♪ A star on top will complete all the scenery! ♪

Citizens: ♪ This Christmas feels like [Mr. Krabs sings] the very first Christmas to me! [scene cuts to an unhappy Squidward looking outside from his window] This Christmas feels like [Mr. Krabs sings again] the very first Christmas to me! ♪ [Squidward becomes angry and closes the window blind.]

Patchy: Is Squidward right? Can there be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! Whoa! [shaking, putting his hand and hook upon his ears. Later] It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! So, SpongeBob was sending the last of the letters to Santa...

Incidental 37B: I hope he can read Portuguese.

SpongeBob: Ah, well, that's the last letter. Wait! Squidward hasn't written his letter yet! [runs to Squidward with a pencil, bottles, and paper in hand] Squidward! Hurry! Squidward, Squidward! Hurry! [runs into Squidward's house and upstairs to have him write his letter and passes by him]

Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I'll help you get started. [writes letter for Squidward] Dear Santa Claus...

Squidward: SpongeBob, forget it.

SpongeBob: Right, too formal. Hi Santa...

Squidward: SpongeBob, no.

SpongeBob: Howdy, Claus?

Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob out of his door] I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination.

SpongeBob: But, Squidward, when Santa comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.

Squidward: SpongeBob, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Santa Claus!

SpongeBob: C’mon, Squid, all you have to do is write a letter. What have you got to lose?

Squidward: My self-respect. My sanity. My lunch. [closes door]

SpongeBob: Squidward, c'mon. [everyone tries to get Squidward outside]

Citizens: C’mon, Squidward! Don't be a party pooper! C'mon out!

Squidward: [pokes head out of his window now in his pajamas ] Santa Claus is a big phony! SpongeBob has got you all fooled!

SpongeBob: C'mon, Squidward. C'mon! [closes window and gets in bed]

Squidward: Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full night’s sleep. [tries to sleep, but the singing outside wakes him up]

Citizens: ♪Oh, Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight. Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪

SpongeBob: C'mon everybody! Let's sing till Santa gets here.

Citizens: ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight. Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming...♪

[it is then morning and they are tired]

Citizens: ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪

Fred: Hey! Where's Santa?

SpongeBob: Uh, he should be here any minute. ♪Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.♪

Citizens: Oh, c'mon. Enough of this. [everyone argues and start to leave]

Fred: Thanks for the lies, Mr. Fairytale! Let's go waste our time somewhere else.

SpongeBob: Hey, guys, where's your Christmas spirit? He's just running late.

Patrick: He probably just stopped for a snack! Fat guys get hungry right?

SpongeBob: Yeah! [they wait and wait and then one of the jellyfish jars breaks on SpongeBob's head as the jellyfish floats away]

Patrick: Never trust a genie. [Patrick and a snowman walk away]

Squidward: [alarm goes off] Ah, morning already? Oh, boy! [speaking in a megaphone] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op. Could you move in a little? [SpongeBob does so] Say Santa Claus.

SpongeBob: [very sad face] Santa Claus. [Squidward takes the picture]

Squidward: Aww, our first Christmas. ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas. The first Christmas is this Christmas. [donkey appears on screen making noises] 'Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me.♪ [laughs at SpongeBob and hits his butt over and over again]

SpongeBob: You were right, Squidward. This is a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.

Squidward: [stops hitting his butt] What? What's this?

SpongeBob: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... [lifts his inelegant blubbering head up] Santa came! [cries some more]

Squidward: Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...

SpongeBob: You're welcome. [sadly walks off and cries]

Squidward: SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby Patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. Present. [opens the present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted out of driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and three wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. [sniffles] Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk. What have I done to poor SpongeBob? Uh, hey, SpongeBob? I... SpongeBob? [SpongeBob is on a ladder trying to get his lights down]

SpongeBob: I guess I won't be needing this. [slides down with the lights in hand] That's better. [a gray cloud comes and rains on SpongeBob]

Squidward: The poor little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.

SpongeBob: I'd better get this stuff off of Squid's place.

Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

SpongeBob: Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?

Squidward: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

SpongeBob: Hello? Yes. Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Yoo-hoo. Hello? Who is it? Huh?

Squidward: Up here, you dunce. [dressed like Santa Claus] I mean, uh... Merry Christmas, little boy!

SpongeBob: [gasps] C-c-could it be?

Squidward: Yes, it is I, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho... [slips off the roof and hits the ground]

SpongeBob: Hey, you're S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [takes a deep breath] S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San...

Squidward: Hey, uh, kid, take it easy.

SpongeBob: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... ta... [faints]

Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob? SpongeBob?!

SpongeBob: S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-San... [Squidward covers his mouth]

Squidward: Don't do that again.

SpongeBob: I knew you'd make it, Santa. Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

Squidward: Well, that, um, is a result of, uh, undersea pressure on my body.

SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?

Squidward: Uhh, I loaned them to the Easter Bunny.

SpongeBob: And what about that nose? [pokes his nose and laughs] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic. [laughs]

Squidward: Alright! I'm Santa.

SpongeBob: [jumps onto Squidward] Santa! This is the greatest you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.

Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob; you did.

SpongeBob: I did? [faints and falls on Gary's shell]

Gary: Meow.

Squidward: Merry Christmas, SpongeBob. Merry Christmas! Whew! I'm glad that's over.

Incidental 150: Do you have a present for me, Santa?

Squidward: Oh, well, uhh, you see, I'm not really...

SpongeBob: [laughs] Go ahead, Santa Claus. See, he is real. He made my Christmas wish come true, he won't let you down.

Squidward: Uhh, right, just a second. [searches in his house for something] C'mon, let's see. What do little girls like? A book of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? There's got to be something around here. Think. Think. Think. Ha! Perfect! [hands Incidental 150 a wrench] There you go, little girl! Ho, ho, ho!

Incidental 150: Thanks, Santa. [scratches the wrench like it's a puppy]

Squidward: That almost felt good. [Squidward then notices a long line of citizens waiting for presents] I didn't... who?

Fred: Hey, Santa, where's my present?

Old Man Walker: And mine!

Incidental 48: And what about me?

Squidward: Uhh... let's see what Santa has for all you good people. [searches for stuff in his house] Think fast, Santa. Gifts for good people. [finds a bowl of mashed potatoes in his house] Aha! [gives the bowl to Incidental 22] A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.

Incidental 22: Thank you, Santa. This is just what I wanted. [puts bowl on her head] A new hairstyle.

[Squidward gives the little girl two forks]

Little Girl: Thanks, Santa. [She puts them on like front teeth]

Squidward: [gives Patrick a clock] Here you go, Patrick.

Patrick: Wow. [punches a hole through the clock] A wrist watch.

Incidental 42: Thank you, Santa!

Squidward: [gives everything else in his house to the citizens] What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just 'cause SpongeBob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? [SpongeBob knocks on the door] You might as well take the door. It's all that's left.

SpongeBob: Squidward! You missed him! He was here just like I said! He gave us all presents. He was jolly and he had a beard. His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks. He was friendly and kind. [turns SpongeBob towards the door and pushes him so he walks] And Santa is... oh, his belly was small, but his nose was huge with Christmas joy. He was so nice Squidward...

Squidward: Well, at least it's over. [notices a bottle with a letter in it on the ground] Huh? What's this?

Santa: Dear Squidward, thanks for all your help! You've been a real good boy this year. Warm regards, Santa Claus. [letter disappears into thin air] Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! [in his sleigh flying] Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho. [does a crazy dance while saying his "ho ho ho"]

Squidward: [Shocked to see Santa does exist and nonchalantly] Yup, I'm insane. [plays his wooden clarinet in the ending tone of the episode]

Santa: Merry Christmas! [back at Patchy's house, a sailboat with a homemade Sponge and Pat moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it]

Patchy: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee.

SpongeBob: [as a puppet] Ahoy, Patrick! It's Christmas Island!

Patrick: [also a puppet] Presents ahoy!

SpongeBob: Hooray! [Patchy starts making storm sound effects] Uh-oh, a storm!

Patrick: Yay! I mean yikes!

Patchy: [makes more sound effects and begins speaking in his own voice] Oh, we're going down! [He keeps making noises. Zoom out to show the boat is on Patchy's head] Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! [he screams]

Man on Set: [off-screen] Patchy?

Patchy: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that SpongeBob makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed SpongeBob's Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. [He takes the boat off his head. Potty flies out, and there is a nest underneath her. In it are a few eggs she laid, wrapped in bows. Patchy picks one up] Aw... Potty left me a little Christmas present. [He laughs. Then he goes over to the mistletoe] Argh, ye old mistletoe. And you know what that means. [he sprays breath freshener in his mouth] Ah, time for somebody to kiss Patchy the Pirate! [he makes kissing noises] Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! [He laughs. Potty flies over and squawks. Patchy screams]

Potty: Give us a kiss! [Patchy goes to avoid him]

Patchy: No! No, not you! [Potty keeps flying around squawking] No, not you, Potty! Get out of here! No, Potty! I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this! Potty! No!

Potty: Kissy, kissy!

French Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night, and happy holidays.

[The words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen]