[The scene begins at Squidward's house. Squidward is admiring his artworks and sculptures of himself.]

Squidward: [talking to a wax sculpture of himself] Have I told you how beautiful you are? Your tentacles, your nose, your eyes...a little lopsided. [takes out the right eye, fixes it then puts it back in place] There. And now that I've been immortalized in wax, I have conquered all artistic media. Come on, my precious reflection, smile! [Squidward makes wax sculpture smile. Then he hears a crash from outside and frowns; the sculpture does as well]

SpongeBob: Hike, Patrick, hike! [both run in separate directions but SpongeBob has a big rock. Drops the rock on the ground and it breaks in half while Patrick blows a chess piece across a chessboard] You just lost three points. [climbs a tree branch] One. Two. Five! [flips upside down and blows a bubble into a shape] G-7!

Patrick: G-7? King me! King me! [runs into the coral branch and pops the bubble] I lose!

SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick.

Patrick: Tartar sauce! [Squidward peeks out]

Squidward: Hey! What are you invertebrates doing?

SpongeBob and Patrick: We don't know.

Squidward: Hey, Patrick, do you know what time it is?

Patrick: Uh, yeah, Squidward, it's... [checks his watch but all the bubble soap leaks out when he turns his wrist around]

Squidward: Time to find some other game to play! [laughs] [puts soapy bubbles into his bathtub and turns on his record player, then gets in and takes a deep breath] Ahh!

SpongeBob: Now what?

Patrick: [notices a shell on the ground] We could toss that shell back and forth.

SpongeBob: [picks up shell] Okay... ready! [throws shell into Patrick's belly. Patrick shoots it into the air]

Patrick: Go! [SpongeBob goes after it]

SpongeBob: I got it! I got it! [the shell flies through Squid's open window, knocks into Squid's sculpture, and it falls over] I got it! I got it! I got it! [Squid in the other room, hears a thump, but he ignores it. Sponge and Pat enter the room via the elevator] Remember, Patrick, finders keepers.

Patrick: There it is! [points to the shell that is lodged in the head of the wax sculpture of Squidward]

SpongeBob and Patrick: I got it! I got it! [Patrick pulls the shell out]

Patrick: Bonus points! [Patrick starts to walk off]

SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick? I think something's wrong with Squidward. He looks unconscious.

Patrick: Don't worry. I know how to do this. [Patrick tries to give CPR, but his face turns blue and he floats up to the ceiling but lets out all the air and lands on top of the wax sculpture's head]

SpongeBob: Get off him, Patrick! [Patrick stands up]

Patrick: What are you worried about? [Patrick's butt is now imprinted on the sculpture's face] He looks better already. [SpongeBob and Patrick stand him up]

SpongeBob: But he still feels cold.

Patrick: Well, let's go put him in the warm.

[SpongeBob and Patrick bring the sculpture in front of the window with the sun shining through it.]

SpongeBob: Do you think he'll be okay?

Patrick: You know, you worry too much. [the sculpture begins to melt] The Patrick is here and SpongeBob I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts to drool as SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ...me. Hey, what's that on your shoe? [SpongeBob looks down]

SpongeBob: I don't know.

Patrick: It kind of looks like... [a liquid puddle of green goo is on the floor]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! [both are screaming as Squidward is powdering his nose]

SpongeBob: No, no, that part goes here.

Patrick: Yeah-yeah, that's it, uh-huh.

SpongeBob: We're almost there. We can do this.

Patrick: It's working, it's working...

SpongeBob: This is working. [sculpture melts again] Patrick, this isn't working!

Patrick: Look! [eyes turn over]

SpongeBob: I don't know how to say it, but our old pal Squidward, he's... He's... He's pushing up daisies!

Patrick: Oh, I thought he was dead.

[Squidward comes out of the bathroom covered in talcum powder. SpongeBob and Patrick cling to each other and get scared.]

Squidward: [screams] What are you doing here?! Well? Are you two trying to say something, or do I have to...?

SpongeBob: No, stay back!

Squidward: What is the matter with you two?

Patrick: Don't, don't hurt us!

SpongeBob: It was an accident!

Squidward: What are you two talking about? [he notices the goo on the floor and screams] Look what you've done to me! When I get my hands on you, I'll...

SpongeBob: [sobs] Please, Mr. Squidward's ghost! [SpongeBob and Patrick are bowing before Squidward] Spare us your ghostly anger! [Patrick is kissing Squidward's feet and sobbing]

Patrick: [as SpongeBob cries] Oh, yes, Mr. Squidward's ghost! Please don't haunt us!

SpongeBob: [as Patrick cries] We'll do anything you want! Just have mercy on us!

[Squidward suddenly gets an idea and grins evilly.]

Squidward: Enough! Listen up! Squidward's ghost is feeling unusually generous today. He hath decided to spare ye a horrible fate. All ye must do is tend to my every whim, and tickle my fancy on demand.

SpongeBob: Does that include...

Squidward: Quiet! Now, do as you're told, lest ye incur the wrath of Squidward!

Patrick: [whispers to SpongeBob] I think they make a cream for that now.

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick carrying out Squidward on his bed.]

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: Too hot.

[SpongeBob and Patrick walk a little more then stops.]

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: No, too wet. Keep going. Keep going. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk some more then stop at the aquatic version of the Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec painting La Troupe de Mademoiselle Eglantine]

SpongeBob: Here?

Squidward: Too loose, Lautrec. [rim shot]

SpongeBob: Too tired... [both stop where they are]

Squidward: Perfect. Hmmm, I feel needy. [claps his hands] Slaves, fetcheth me some nourishment.

SpongeBob: Only the freshest, o spooky one.

[Both SpongeBob and Patrick run off. SpongeBob comes back with a grape.]

SpongeBob: A grape fresh from the vine, your ghostliness. [drops the grape into Squidward's mouth. Squidward eats it while SpongeBob goes and gets a banana] A banana peeled to your liking, your incorporealness. [squeezes the banana into Squidward's mouth, and he eats the peeled banana. Patrick comes back with a watermelon]

Patrick: One watermelon... [drops it into Squidward's mouth as a tugboat sound as heard. Squidward keels over due to the weight] fresh from the manure fields, your spookiness.

[On the ground, Squidward's head is shaped like the watermelon.]

SpongeBob: Art thou not pleased?

[Squidward spits out the watermelon.]

Squidward: Enough of that! I want something else to eat now. Something that's very difficult to find.

Patrick: What do you hunger for, master?

SpongeBob: Whatever you want, we'll find it. We'll find it.

Squidward: Cherry pie. [Patrick holds up a cherry pie] Where'd you get that?

Patrick: I found it.

[Squidward takes it and throws it somewhere.]

Squidward: Well, go find it again! [Patrick goes searching for it] SpongeBob, get over here. Now spin around. [SpongeBob turns around] That's better. Now jog in place. [SpongeBob jogs in place] Say "flank steak."

SpongeBob: Flank steak.

Squidward: I think I'm beginning to like this. Stop. [SpongeBob stops] Now, play me an elaborate song with this! [gives SpongeBob a tissue]

SpongeBob: But this is just a piece of tissue paper.

Squidward: Oh, my. Always having to have it our way, don't we? Oh, boo-hoo.

[SpongeBob blows through the tissue to try and get it to make music.]

SpongeBob: I can't do it!

Squidward: Well, I hope you don't have any plans tonight, 'cause you're not allowed to leave that spot till I hear a song. [walks away. Day turns into night and into day again and SpongeBob is lying on the ground with the tissue on his nose] What's this? Napping on the job? You're supposed to be making music for me. As punishment for this insolence, Squidward's ghost commandeth you to clean out his back room.

Patrick: [comes back with the pie] I found it. [Squidward takes it]

Squidward: I'll take that! [throws pie in Patrick's face]

Patrick: Yes, your ghostliness! [licks filling off his face] This is fun.

[Bubble transition back to Squidward's house. Inside, SpongeBob is in the hallway.]

SpongeBob: Patrick, are you ready for this?

Patrick: Yes. [SpongeBob walks a couple steps forward]

SpongeBob: Okay, let's go. Patrick, are you coming? [Patrick is facing the wrong way]

Patrick: Yes.

SpongeBob: Patrick, it's this way.

Patrick: Where?

SpongeBob: Here.

Patrick: [turns around] Oh, coming! [both enter a room in the back with a bunch of junk in it] How are we going to clean up all this mess?

SpongeBob: It's easy. Just tear this wallpaper off! [tears the wall]

Patrick: [laughs] Oh look, you missed some. [SpongeBob picks up a book]

SpongeBob: Oh, let's see. It's a comic book, and look at this. It's the Origin of the Flying Dutchman. [shows picture in the book] It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don't you get it, Patrick?

Patrick: We're going to go shopping?

SpongeBob: No! We're gonna put poor old Squidward to rest.

[Bubble transition to Squidward laying on the couch. SpongeBob and Patrick spit spitballs at him.]

Squidward: Ow! What the heck was that?

SpongeBob: Initiation! [laughs] That was part one of your ceremony.

Squidward: [jumps off the couch] Ceremony for what?

SpongeBob: We're going to put you to rest.

Squidward: I don't want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done. Now, did you clean the back room yet?

SpongeBob: Yeah.

Squidward: Oh, really? I'm going to go check. [walks off. He opens the back room door and screams because he sees Patrick and SpongeBob with a coffin]

SpongeBob: Okay, get in.

Squidward: Are you crazy? I'm not getting in that thing!

SpongeBob: But you said we could put you to rest.

Squidward: I didn't say anything like that! Now, get out of my house! [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick outside] Now what? [sees SpongeBob writing on a tombstone]

SpongeBob: I wrote, "Here lies Squidward. You may not remember him, but he..." [Squidward screams] Oh, hi, Squidward. Does this look deep enough?

Squidward: SpongeBob! Cut that out!

SpongeBob: Oh, look, the mourners have arrived.

[A bus with a load of people are in front of Squidward's house.]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, we all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

Squidward: SpongeBob, are you trying to put me in the nuthouse?

SpongeBob: No, just into this hole.

Squidward: [groans then sighs] SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off his night cap]

SpongeBob: [gasps] You're bald?

Squidward: No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home!

SpongeBob: But...

Squidward: Do it!

SpongeBob: [to the mourners] Go home.

[People get back on bus sadly.]

SpongeBob: But I, Master--

Squidward: I'm not your master, I'm your neighbor. Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors! [walks off]

SpongeBob: As you wish, master.

Squidward: D'oh!

Patrick: Boy, he really had us fooled.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick. He's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever!

Patrick: You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.

SpongeBob: Patrick, say that again!

Patrick: That again.

SpongeBob: No, the other thing.

Patrick: No, the other thing.

SpongeBob: [annoyed] No, what you said before when you...

Patrick: No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob: Never mind! I've got an idea.

Patrick: Never mind! I've got an idea.

[SpongeBob gets annoyed again. The scene cuts to Squidward reclining on his chair outside. SpongeBob is trying to blow a bubble big enough to get Squidward.]

SpongeBob: I can't reach him!

Patrick: Blow harder!

[SpongeBob blows a big bubble to consume Squidward. The bubble lifts Squidward gently from his chair. The octopus doesn't notice that he's floating.]

Patrick: There he goes!

SpongeBob: Isn't he beautiful?

Patrick: How high's he going to go?

[Squidward now sees he is floating.]

SpongeBob: All the way, Patrick, up to the great beyond. [both he and Patrick wave to Squidward] Goodbye, friend!

Patrick: Happy trails!

[Squidward pounds his fists on the bubble and tries to yell, but his voice is so distorted by the soapy wall that unintelligible muffled noises come through.]

SpongeBob and Patrick: You're welcome!

[The bubble floats above the surface.]

SpongeBob: He's on the other side now.

Patrick: Yeah. [Squidward is floating above the sea at Bikini Atoll island in a bubble] He's in a better place.

[Squidward moans in the bubble with seagulls flying around him as the episode ends.]