[The episode begins with an exterior shot of the Krusty Krab. There are no customers inside. Mr. Krabs is standing next to the 'FREE' salad bar. Squidward is reading a "Dance Now!" ballet magazine and imagining his head on the dancers. SpongeBob is wiping dust off tables.]

[Back to Mr. Krabs still standing next to the 'FREE' salad bar, attempting to retain his smile. A piece of paper flies through the entrance of the Krusty Krab.]

Mr. Krabs: Hmm... I just don't get it. [holds the 'FREE' sign] If a free salad bar doesn't bring in customers, what will?! [Squidward is dancing] Squidward!

Squidward: Uh-uh... Yes, sir?

Mr. Krabs: There's gonna be some changes around here. [Incidental 4 walks in. Mr. Krabs gasps] A customer! Welcome to the Krusty Krab! [runs up to Incidental 4 with a chair and seats him. Brings him back to the table] SpongeBob, cater to his every whim. And don't screw this one up.

SpongeBob: [with a pencil on his side, saluting] Aye, aye, sir! Welcome aboard, sir! Here at the Krusty Krab, [points at Incidental 4] you are the captain, and I am your cabin boy. You just say the word and I will throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?

Incidental 4: All I wanted was change for the payphone. [shows the dollar]

SpongeBob: Aye-aye, sir! [runs off quickly and comes back with change. Talking in a French accent] Monsieur's chángé. [snaps his fingers]

Incidental 4: Thanks. [laughs nervously and leaves a penny on the table] Here you go. [runs off as Mr. Krabs smells the penny]

Mr. Krabs: [his eyes and the background turn into money] Yah! [jumps on the penny while destroying the table]

[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs putting the penny away in his safe in his office.]

Mr. Krabs: [talking to Squidward and SpongeBob] Now as you may have noticed, profits are way down this month. [pulls down a chart with red zig-zag lines going down and his eyes sticking out on each side] We've got to think of a gimmick to bring in customers. [pulls the chart up] Do you lubbers have any ideas?

SpongeBob: I've got one! [takes out a tray with a soda and a pair of socks on it] A free pair of socks with every purchase!

Squidward: Ahem. [continues reading the "Dance Now!" ballet magazine]

SpongeBob: [off-screen] Or maybe 'Double Patty Midnight Madness'! [cut back to him tossing out the tray] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I know! I know! I know! How about 'mouth full of clams' day! Everyone who shows up with a mouthful of clams... [talks with mouth full of clams] ...gets a free drink! Huh? Huh?

Mr. Krabs: Well, uhh, I was thinkin’ more along the lines of live entertainment.

Squidward: [gasps] That's it, a floor show! Wait, a talent show! With your host, me! [runs up to Mr. Krabs with stars in his eyes] This is the moment I've... [eyes return to normal] I mean, we've been dreaming of. Think of it, Mr. Krabs, you will be responsible for bringing culture to this cultural wasteland we call Bikini Bottom! And not to mention, the money.

Mr. Krabs: The money? [Squidward is lying on the table]

Squidward: And I can see it now... your daughter Pearl, her name up in lights.

Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs looks at his picture of him and Pearl] Little Pearly... a star?

SpongeBob: Hoppin' clams! A talent show! I'm talented! I'd better call my folks! [runs off as Squidward and Mr. Krabs shake hands]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you've got a deal. Make my little girl a star!

[Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab being redecorated for the talent show. Squidward is writing notes on a notepad.]

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, what time am I goin’ on?

Squidward: Going on what?

SpongeBob: The show! When am I goin’ on the show? I have a great act!

Squidward: What talent could you possibly possess? [SpongeBob blows a big bubble which turns into a hippo. Then blows two small bubbles for the hat and cane. Both perform their tap-dancing act.]

SpongeBob: Ta-dah! [Squidward yawns]

Squidward: No one, not even your parents, would want to see that! [hippo bubble pops] What the people want is culture! Not dancing bubbles!

SpongeBob: Okay, I get it! Don't worry, Squidward, I'm going to come up with the most cultured act ever!

Squidward: I can hardly wait. [SpongeBob runs off] Phew. The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes. [laughs] Tennis shoes. I crack myself up.

[Bubble transition to later that night of the talent show where people are outside conducting interviews and people inside are talking and getting set-up. A submarine passes by.]

Incidental 95: [talking in the background] We are now at the Krusty Krab Talent Show featuring the finest talent in the town...

SpongeBob: [peeks out from behind the curtain] Wow! A full house! [gasps] There's Mom and Dad! They are gonna be so proud! [Mr. Krabs shakes Harold SquarePants' hand]

Mr. Krabs: Hello, I'm Mr. Krabs, and I like money.

SpongeBob: I gotta get ready! [Squidward gets everyone's attention]

Squidward: Alright, listen up people, listen up. Gather around everyone, chop, chop. [performers gather around] Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well, it's not. It's mine.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squid! How about this for the show? [runs off and runs back with a tub full of water and the words 'Mister Absorbency' written on the front] The Amazing Mister Absorbency! [puts his finger in the water and absorbs it. Absorbs the water into his legs] Ta-dah! [absorbs water into his head] Ta-dah!

Squidward: No one is gonna wanna see you engorge yourself. [The water is released from SpongeBob.]

SpongeBob: [grabs Squidward's legs] Please, Squidward, let me be in the show! I'll do anything! Anything! Anything!

Squidward: So you really wanna be in the show?

SpongeBob: Oh, yes!

Squidward: Okay, you get to mop up afterwards. [hands SpongeBob a mop] Now will you stop bugging me? [walks off]

SpongeBob: [sobbing] So, this is what it feels like... the big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny! [The show starts and crowd applauds. Squidward comes out and gets the cue cards that are in his tuxedo]

Squidward: [clears throat] Uh, good evening and...and welcome to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [a rimshot plays and Patrick laughs] Uh, thank you, heh. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. [another rimshot plays and Patrick laughs again]

Patrick: It's happened! [laughing]

Squidward: Heh, thank you. Uh, put your fins together for... [Patrick cracks up laughing very hard. Bashes on the table with laughter, shaking dinnerware. He falls off his chair] Put your... [Patrick laughs] Put... [Patrick laughs] Pearl. [crowd applauds]

Mr. Krabs: Hooray! [the curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheerleader uniform] My little girl is finally a star.

Pearl: Give me a K-R-U! [jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her] Give me a S-T-Y! [jumps up and down again] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down]

Mr. Krabs: [He, Patrick, and SpongeBob's parents get tossed up and down. Mr. Krabs appears happy.] Now that's what I call talent! [Krusty Krab floor is destroyed]

Pearl: Thank you!

Fred: My leg! Ugh!

Pearl: Thank you, [chuckles] thank you!

[Squidward closes the curtain and as he is lowering the rope, SpongeBob is tied to it holding a mop and a bucket of water. Squidward screams in shock.]

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, listen. What do you think? When I mop, should I go forward and back? No, no wait, side to side. [Squidward lets the rope go and sends SpongeBob flying up. Then he walks back out on the stage]

Squidward: And now, poetry... [walks backstage but peeks his head through the curtain] by Gary. [The curtain opens. Gary is on a stool]

Gary: [clears throat] Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Sandy: [with awe] Oh, he has such a way with words.

Gary: Meow. Meow. Meow.

Squidward: [checks his watch as Gary continues meowing] Come on, come on, Ginsburg, if he doesn't hurry it up, we're not gonna have enough time for the best act... me! [SpongeBob walks up]

SpongeBob: [as the audience applauds] Squidward, should I use Mr. Cleanser or Dr. Clean?

Squidward: Yes. [walks away]

[Meanwhile, the audience applauds as the curtain opens, revealing Plankton in a magician costume and a sign that says 'The Amazing Plankton!!!']

Plankton: [holding a magic wand] I, the amazing Plankton, with the use of prestidigitation... [turns his wand into flowers] ...will make a Krabby Patty disappear before your very eyes. [throws the flowers aside] First, I'll need a volunteer from the audience. [jumps onto a table and grabs the Krabby Patty from the Touppe fish. He runs toward the door, but Krabs stops him at the exit.]

Mr. Krabs: Nice try. [grabs the patty] Your act's over, bub.

Plankton: You may win this time! Shi-ya Ka-zing! [he claps his hands and ignites into a mini-explosion. The smoke from the explosion clears and he is completely charred.] Well, this stinks. [He walks off to the Chum Bucket as the audience boos. Mr. Krabs runs up to Squidward backstage, leaving a trail of flames]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward! [literally races towards him, like an over speeding race car] This show is a disaster! You're ruinin’ me!

Squidward: Now, now, don't you worry, Mr. Krabs. I've saved the best for last, you'll see.

Mr. Krabs: For your sake, I hope you're right!

[The scene changes to the last talent act of the night. A bunch of spotlights gleam around the Krusty Krab.]

Squidward: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for. We've saved the best for last. Put your hands together for... [all streamers, confetti and purple, pink and blue balloons fall everywhere] the incomparable Squidward! ['Squidward Live' words blink in pink and green lights as the crowd applauds. The curtain opens and the background shows the Grand Canyon. Squidward dances with birds, accompanied by classical music. Then, the lights go dark and music becomes techno as Squidward dances weirdly. Makes weird noises as he dances after the first part of his dance]

Incidental F4: What the...?!

[Squidward continues to make weird noises and dance weirdly. Two fish run over to the salad bar and throw tomatoes at Squidward as the crowd erupts to a chorus of boos.]

Mr. Krabs: I'm losin' money on this deal! [puts a $1.00 sticker over the free sign on the salad bar and grins]

Fred: It's worth every penny! [everyone runs up to Mr. Krabs with dollar bills in hand. The crowd continues to boo loudly]

Squidward: You bottom feeders! You don't even know talent!

Crowd: No talent! No talent! No talent! No talent! [curtain closes as Squidward leaves in frustration and anger]

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, can I go on now?

Squidward: Yeah, show's over! [crowd continues to boo and chant "No talent!" as SpongeBob walks out and mops up the tomatoes. Crowd gets interested in this and applauds at him]

Crowd: Hey, yeah. That's really not bad. I like that! Alright! [SpongeBob briefly stops mopping and the crowd becomes silent. He then starts mopping faster getting even more applause. He then leaves stage right and the applause stops. He peeks from where he left and mops the floor while leaving stage left which starts the applause again. He waves goodbye to the crowd] We want more! We want more! We want more! We want—

Squidward: They want an encore! [pushes SpongeBob away] Stand aside, SpongeBob! [Squidward jumps out and the crowd grows silent. He goes backstage in frustration and SpongeBob comes back out mopping and crowd cheers again. SpongeBob leaves stage left as Squidward jumps out again and the crowd instantly becomes silent again. Squidward is angry.]

[Squidward goes backstage and grabs SpongeBob. The crowd cheers again. Then he puts his own head through the curtain and the crowd goes silent.]

[SpongeBob's arm gets a cheer, but Squidward's arm does not. SpongeBob's leg is shown then curtain rises and SpongeBob is mopping to the crowd cheering. Curtain closes then opens to reveal Squidward mopping and the crowd goes silent.]

[Squidward stops and he is angry. He tries to mop somewhere else to impress them. He then raises his hands up in a ta-da moment, but someone in the crowd throws a tomato and SpongeBob sweeps it up as the crowd cheers. Backstage, Harold and Margaret SquarePants bring Mr. Krabs up in a wheelbarrow full of cash.]

Mr. Krabs: [as the crowd chants "We want more!"] You did it, Squidward, what a great show!

Mrs. Margaret SquarePants: Oh, my son's a star!

Mr. Harold SquarePants: Who ever knew he had such talent?

Mr. Krabs: I'll be needin’ another wheelbarrow for next week's show! [Squidward moans. The crowd throws flowers at SpongeBob as the episode ends]