[The episode begins with a close-up of Squidward's soufflé on an oceanic sunset background.]

Squidward: Wow. Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created. [blows kiss] Congratulations, chef!

[Squidward gets dressed, takes a shower, gargles, and brushes his teeth. He re-enters the scene in a tuxedo with his hairpiece and sits down at the table. He hears SpongeBob giggling from outside. As Squidward is about to taste the soufflé, he hears Patrick and SpongeBob giggling from outside. Squidward goes to the window and notices that SpongeBob and Patrick are at his backyard playing with bubbles. SpongeBob whispers into a bubble and it floats over to Patrick and pops.]

SpongeBob Bubble: Hi, Patrick.

[Patrick giggles as he was about to blow a bubble. He eats the bubble and whispers into another bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob where it pops.]

Patrick Bubble: Hi, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob giggles and Squidward, now annoyed, notices a liquid coming from his soufflé, pours it into a bowl and starts rapidly stirring the liquid with a fork until it becomes bubbly. Meanwhile, outside, SpongeBob whispers into another bubble]

SpongeBob: [whispering into bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.

[The scene cuts to Squidward's back window as he finishes stirring the liquid, and blows a bubble with it through the fork. Squidward's bubble is approached by SpongeBob's bubble, grows a leg, and kicks SpongeBob's bubble, thus popping it. Squidward's bubble floats over to Patrick and pops.]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.

[Patrick frowns and blows a bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob]

Patrick Bubble: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: [whispering into the bubble] Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that.

[The bubble floats over to Patrick and pops, followed by another bubble floating back over to SpongeBob]

Patrick Bubble: Yeah? Well, I think you're ugly. [another bubble comes over and pops] Yellow is ugly! [two other bubbles, but smaller, float over and pops, both containing raspberry noises for SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: [talks into the bubble, puzzled] Patrick, what are you talking about?

[The bubble floats over to Patrick. Another of Squidward's bubbles floats over to SpongeBob and pops]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you.

[SpongeBob gasps]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] You give bottom dwellers a bad name.

[Squidward creates several other bubbles and they float over to SpongeBob]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!

[Squidward chuckles. Another bubble floats over to Patrick]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Hey, Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!

Patrick: [furiously stands up and angrily yells at SpongeBob] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!

SpongeBob: [furiously stands up and angrily yells at Patrick] Yeah, well, that means that, uhh... so are you!

Patrick: Right, you're a turkey!

SpongeBob: What's that?

[Squidward arrives outside with a lawn chair and his soufflé]

Patrick: It's what you are!

[Squidward begins to laugh hysterically at SpongeBob and Patrick's arguing.]

SpongeBob: Well, you're a bigger one!

Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?

SpongeBob: What?

Patrick: You are!

SpongeBob: Yeah? Well, it doesn't matter what you call me, 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway! [furiously goes inside through the back door and angrily turns around] Aww, tartar sauce! [angrily shuts the door, some houses in the background briefly jump of their foundations]

[Patrick angrily opens his rock, which closes and comes up sounding like an accordion.]

[Squidward laughs at Patrick, puts the soufflé and fork in his mouth and continues laughing, and moves his tentacles around in laughter, then lies back in laughter. Suddenly, he accidentally swallows the fork and choking on it and chokes on the fork repeatedly. His skin turns to a deep shade of blue as the letters "K" and "O" appear in his right eye and left eye respectively and flashes appear. Squidward passes out drooling.]

Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you're choking! [runs over to Squidward] Uhh... uhh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well. [takes a deep breath and performs CPR on Squidward. As he is doing this, each one of Squidward's tentacles suction cups pops up. Eventually, the fork comes out and Patrick catches it] I win!

Squidward: Wow! Patrick, you saved me!

Patrick: I did?

Squidward: Yup! You're a real lifesaver, friend! [shakes Patrick's hand]

Patrick: Friend? [shakes Squidward] Friend...

Squidward: [uneasily] Yeah, Patrick, we're friends... [steps back] just friends. [they both notice SpongeBob is gazing from his window with a blank stare]

Patrick: So what are we gonna do tonight, best friend? [grabs Squidward over to Squidward's Easter Island Head house]

Squidward: Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo.

Patrick: Clarinet? I love music!

[Inside the pineapple, SpongeBob watches the two go inside Squidward's house]

SpongeBob: Ahh, who needs them? They're no fun anyway, right, Gary? [Gary is inside his shell] Gary? [knocks on his shell three times, it sounds hollow]

[Cut to Squidward's house]

Squidward: Squidward will be performing his version of "Solitude in E Minor".

Patrick: [sitting on a bench while clapping] Yeah! E minor! All right! Yeah!

[Squidward takes a deep breath and plays two notes, but Patrick immediately falls asleep and snores, to the annoyance of Squidward. Scene now cuts back to SpongeBob.]

SpongeBob: Ah, what am I worried about? I got plenty of friends! I can name three right off the bat! [holds up three fingers] Uhh...

[SpongeBob draws faces on each finger with a broken smile]

SpongeBob: The gang's all here... [looks at the faces on his fingers, and his eyes well with tears] Ohhh!

[Meanwhile, Squidward is angrily dragging Patrick, who is still asleep, outside. Suddenly, after a few feet, his back gives out.]

Squidward: Oh-ho! Oh! My back! Ah! I threw out my back!

SpongeBob: [sees Squidward in pain] Oh, boy, now's my chance! [jumps out of the window]

Squidward: SpongeBob? No, no, no, stay back!

SpongeBob: [running] Don't worry, Squidward! I'm coming!

Squidward: No, no, no, get...get away from me!

SpongeBob: Hang on! I'll save you! [rips off his suit revealing a speedo underneath]

Squidward: [tries to get to his door] No, no, no, no, no! Get away from me! No, no!

SpongeBob: [jumps off a diving board] Hold on!

Squidward: No, no! Get away! [screams as SpongeBob dives into his back cracking it back into place] Oh! I'm ruined! I'm... I'm... I'm... I-I feel great! Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend!

[SpongeBob smiles wide in glee]

SpongeBob: Friend...

Squidward: N-no, no, no, I didn't mean that, no-no.

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squiddy, old pal. That's what friends are for. [grabs Squidward over to Squidward's house]

[Bubble transition to a view of Patrick's, Squidward's, and SpongeBob's houses. SpongeBob and Squidward are inside Squidward's house.]

SpongeBob: So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh? Some friend. A real friend would perform for you!

Squidward: You play?

SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I've been playing bassinet for years! [takes one from the wall] Give me an A, buddy!

[Squidward plays a note and SpongeBob sings]

SpongeBob: ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the world / [grates strings with bow, irritating Squidward] Squidward is my best friend in the sea... ♪

[The bow flies into what looks like Squidward's head and he screams. Fortunately, it turns out it's just a painting; the real Squidward furiously pulls the bow out and angrily growls as he violently snaps it in half with his knee]

SpongeBob: [now playing with his fingers like a guitar] ♪ Squidward... ♪

[Patrick, now fully awake, pops in through the window]

Patrick: ♪ Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob! ♪ [SpongeBob violently slams the window in Patrick's face] Oh!

SpongeBob: [furiously strums harder before angrily slamming the bass to the floor] And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer! [accidentally smashes the bass] Umm, I can fix this.

[Squidward is angrily steaming red in fury.]

Squidward: Grrrrrryehhhhherrrryeh! [angrily kicks SpongeBob out]

SpongeBob: ...So, uhh, I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward! Call me!

[Cut to Squidward's bathroom. Squidward angrily begins walking into the bathroom.]

Squidward: Yech! That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself. [opens up the curtain and screams after he sees Patrick in his bathtub]

Patrick: Hey, buddy. I warmed it up for ya. [shows him a brush and soap]

Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on!

[SpongeBob peeks in through the upstairs window]

SpongeBob: What's the matter, Squidward, old buddy? [notices Patrick in Squidward's bathtub and gasps] Oh, ho-ho! So this is what I find, huh?! My best friend and my ex-best friend and... [shown a toy boat, a rubber duckie, and a bath ball] ...rubber bath toys!

Patrick: [simultaneously] Oh, yeah?! Well, he was my friend first!

SpongeBob: [simultaneously] You're just a backbiting, backstabbing silly blob of...

Squidward: [screams] This can't be happening to me! [runs away while SpongeBob and Patrick stop their arguing as they notice Squidward's gone]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward!

SpongeBob: Buddy!

Patrick: Squidward, where are you?!

SpongeBob: Where'd ya go, friend?

Patrick: Where are ya, ol' buddy?

Squidward: [hiding in a trash can] Oh, this is nuts! [trash can cover opens, revealing his head] I need a plan to get those two back together and outta my hair!

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob reads a magazine. The doorbell rings, and a letter is pushed under the door. Then he smells it]

SpongeBob: [sniffs letter] Squidward. [opens it] A dinner party? I'd love to!

[Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door and Squidward opens it]

SpongeBob: Did you miss me?

Squidward: Come on in! You look stunning. [shuts the door]

SpongeBob: I'd much rather dine with you than that lousy... [gasps when he sees Patrick] Say, what gives?! I'm not sitting near that maniac!

Patrick: Me neither! This was a setup!

Squidward: I thought you two were my best friends.

SpongeBob and Patrick: I am your best friend!

Squidward: [takes out a bottle of soda] Well, how about some soda, guys? [SpongeBob shows him his glass]

SpongeBob: Yes, please! [Squidward gives him some soda] Thanks, friend. [flicks Squidward's nose and drinks]

Patrick: How about some for your best friend? [SpongeBob puts his glass in front of Patrick's, so he gets the soda instead of Patrick]

SpongeBob: Thanks, best friend! [drinks]

Patrick: Can I have some now, buddy?

SpongeBob: Wait, I need some more! [pours SpongeBob another glass]

Patrick: I still didn't get any! [SpongeBob gives Patrick his soda]

SpongeBob: There ya go. More please! [Squidward fills his glass as SpongeBob drinks it really fast]

Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!