[The episode opens with an aerial view of the Krusty Krab.]

Squidward: [from inside] One Krabby Patty for table two. SpongeBob, I don't have the whole day.

[Cut to inside of the kitchen.]

SpongeBob: [speaking in French accent] Oui, oui. Un Krabby Patty, Monsieur. First, les patty. [flips it up in the air and it falls into one of his holes. He holds up the other ingredients]

Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Next, les ingredients. [throws them in the air] Ah, oui! [catches them in his holes and his pants] Les mustard. [squirts some mustard out and it lands in his eye]

Squidward: Les quit fooling around, where's my Krabby Patty?

SpongeBob: Les hold on a second! [takes his head and shakes it all up. When he puts it back on his body, his eyes roll around.] And...voilà. [goes up to Squidward and pulls a Krabby Patty from under his nose; speaking in normal voice] It's under your nose! [laughs and puts it on a plate. Squidward pretends to laugh]

Squidward: You're killing me, SpongeBob! Ha ha ha... you really are. [close-up on the patty]

SpongeBob: Look at it, Squidward. Mr. Krabs' gift to all of Bikini Bottom -- the Krabby Patty..

Squidward: Okay, give it to me. [the Krabby Patty flies off of the plate and starts bouncing all over the place] Come on SpongeBob, stop it!

SpongeBob: I swear I'm not doing anything. Mr. Krabs! The Krabby Patty is haunted! [the patty slithers out the door and heads for the exit. Mr. Krabs spears it with his leg. A tiny thing comes out from it and Mr. Krabs inspects it with a magnifying glass]

Mr. Krabs: Avast, ye patty pirate! This is no ghost. This is... [view of in the magnifying glass, of a tiny jelly bean-shaped green creature with one eye] Plankton! Stealing me booty!

Sheldon J. Plankton: Hear me, Krabs! When I discover your formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business! I went to college! [Mr. Krabs picks up the puny pest] Hey! Let me go!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll let you go, squirt. On a flying saucer! [laughs, then splats Plankton on a plate and spins him back across the street, to the Chum Bucket] Back to the Chum Bucket with you!

Plankton: You'll pay for this, Krabs! [slams through the doors]

SpongeBob: Uh... Plankton, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, he's been trying to steal me secret formula for years, but you haven't got it yet, have ye, bug? [laughs. SpongeBob joins in, braying with laughter. Mr. Krabs stops, but SpongeBob keeps laughing] Okay. [SpongeBob keeps laughing] Enough, lad, it wasn't that funny. [SpongeBob keeps laughing] Get back to work! [SpongeBob stops laughing]

[Bubble transition to nighttime at the Krusty Krab.]

SpongeBob: [from inside] Okay, Mr. Krabs, see you tomorrow!

Mr. Krabs: Good night, me boy! [SpongeBob walks out and walks past the Chum Bucket contently]

Plankton: [unseen] Psst... young man. [SpongeBob looks around to see where this voice came from] Yes, over here. Come on, boy, a little closer. [SpongeBob walks forward] Closer... [SpongeBob walks] Not that close! [a crunching sound is heard. SpongeBob lifts up his shoe revealing a squished Plankton.] You blasted barnacle head! I mean... hi.

SpongeBob: Plankton? [SpongeBob peels Plankton off his shoe and onto his hand]

Plankton: Ouch!

SpongeBob: What do you want?

Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob: Um... no.

Plankton: Acquaintances?

SpongeBob: No.

Plankton: [beat] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?

SpongeBob: I... guess so.

Plankton: You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment. [rummages through his back pocket and takes out a golden spatula] Ching! [in unison with the sparkling of the spatula] Sparkle, sparkle.

SpongeBob: Wow! A golden spatula! And it's even got my name on it.

Plankton: It's a gift! A gift from a friend. [hugs SpongeBob's thumb] Friends give each other gifts, and tomorrow is my birthday. [puts a birthday hat on his head and SpongeBob's thumb and then blows a noisemaker. He then takes out a cake.] And you know what I'd like more than anything in the whole wide world? [blows out the candles]

SpongeBob: A booster seat? [Plankton takes off the hat and throws out the cake]

Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog! I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you, my friend, is one of those [starts to drool] tender... delicious... Krabby Patties! [SpongeBob drops Plankton and gasps]

SpongeBob: You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on a Krabby Patty! And I bet it's not even your birthday tomorrow!

Plankton: Gee, and I thought you were stupid.

SpongeBob: You'll never get a Krabby Patty from me! [walks off, then stops] Even if we are friends! [runs off] Never, never, never, never!

Plankton: Oh, I'll get a Krabby Patty and you're gonna hand-deliver it to me personally! You weak-minded fool! [takes out a gramophone that plays evil music and laughs evilly to it.]

[The scene cuts to SpongeBob's bedroom, where SpongeBob goes to sleep.]

SpongeBob: Good night, Gary.

[Gary meows. SpongeBob goes to sleep. Just then, one of the flowers on SpongeBob's bed pattern pops up. It's Plankton in disguise, wearing a backpack that looks more like an antenna-like machine.]

Plankton: [chuckling] SpongeBob, you will be mine! [pulls out the gramophone and laughs evilly to it, but it actually plays a children's song of the A-B-C's.]

Woman in the recording: ♪Letters of the alphabet, A-B-C...♪

[Plankton immediately realizes this and flips the record around on the other side. It plays the evil music like last time and he laughs. Then he walks through one of SpongeBob's holes and begins his journey. Plankton reads a map that looks like a regular road map, except with a giant brain in the middle of it.]

Plankton: It should be in here somewhere... but where? [pan out to reveal he's standing on the brain] Where? Oh... [takes off the antenna thing on his back] This will be the beginning of the end! [outside, SpongeBob rolls to his left in his sleep. The brain falls to the right inside and Plankton falls off] Ouch! Stupid brain... [gives chase] Come back here, you swine! [SpongeBob then rolls to his right. Inside, the brain squishes Plankton. SpongeBob then sleeps on his back and the brain stops rolling. Plankton holds up a roll of duct tape] That's it, brain, you're going down! [Plankton uses tape to hold it down] Yes, yes, that's grand. [takes out blueprints] And now, for my very elaborate and college-educated plan. [the blueprints reveal a picture of the antenna thing labeled "Control" and an arrow pointing to a picture of a brain labeled "Brain." Plankton follows these instructions by jamming the control in the brain] And now, it's time for a little wakey-uppy. [his hands on the control levers, he uses his foot to press the "Total Control" button. Outside, SpongeBob wakes up.]

SpongeBob: Morning already? [Plankton jams the controls causing SpongeBob's legs to jam out to his side. He rumbles and falls down. Plankton laughs evilly] I... I feel a little funny today. [using the controls, he makes SpongeBob walk. Plankton laughs]

Plankton: I have you now! [outside, SpongeBob keeps walking towards the kitchen]

SpongeBob: Time for a well-balanced breakfast. [rams through the wall and through his refrigerator, emerging with bread, a bottle of milk, and an egg carton on his head] This isn't what I had in mind. [walks towards the straps with his pants attached] Let me just grab my pants. [walks toward them and they spring him. He eventually gives free and keeps walking.] I guess I'm not wearing any pants today. [crashes through the side of the wall] I guess I'm not using the door either. See you later, Gary! ...I guess. [Gary meows] You're right, Gary! There is something wrong with me! Squidward! Squidward! Wake up! I need some help! [inside Squidward's house, he tries to sleep. Off-screen.] Squidward! Help!

Squidward: Be quiet, SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob bursts through the wall of Squidward's bedroom]

SpongeBob: Help!

Squidward: SpongeBob! What are you doing? I'm talking to you! SpongeBob! SpongeBob, are you mad?!

[SpongeBob turns his head to Squidward]

Plankton: [through SpongeBob] Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.

Squidward: Mediocre? [from inside of SpongeBob's head, Plankton speaks through a microphone]

Plankton: You pretentious, little insignificant artist. Your snivelly creations are worthless than a protozoan's waste!

[SpongeBob snaps out of confusion]

SpongeBob: Something must be wrong with my brain! [his eyes roll into the back of his head and he sees Plankton and gasps] Plankton! [Plankton raises his eyebrow] What kind of friend are you?!

Plankton: Nonsense. You never liked me, anyway. You wouldn't even come to my birthday party! [from outside]

SpongeBob: Get out of my head! Leave my brain alone!

Plankton: Never! Never! [laughs and SpongeBob walks out backwards. Squidward turns pale and faints. SpongeBob crashes through Patrick's rock and reemerges with Patrick sleeping on his head. SpongeBob throws him off and he's pinned into the ground. SpongeBob walks toward the Krusty Krab. Inside SpongeBob.] Toot toot! How about a little take-out?

SpongeBob: No! No, never! [crashes through it, reemerging with a Krabby Patty. Plankton laughs evilly.] You can't fool me, Plankton, you want the Krabby Patty formula! [walks into the Chum Bucket]

Plankton: You are going to hand-deliver it to me personally!

SpongeBob: No, no, no! [they're inside and walk through a door] There's no one here.

Plankton: Don't remind me. Brace yourself, SpongeBob. This is my lab! [the room he's walked into has a screen with a live-action Labrador Retriever. The dog barks. They walk into the next room, a real lab.] And this is my laboratory! And did I ever show you my record player? [pulls the gramophone out again and it plays dramatic music and laughs]

SpongeBob: I must fight! [mumbles nonsensically, stretches his head out, and bites against the side of the door. His body keeps trying to walk.]

Plankton: No, no, no, no. [pushes the levers forward, which causes SpongeBob to lose grip and slam against the wall and wobble over to a giant funnel thing] There, you see how much easier it is when you help, friend? How do you like my analyzer? It tells the ingredients of whatever I put into it. [A robot arm clenching some seaweed comes in and drops it in the giant funnel analyzer. It has zapped and some beeping is heard from the giant computer screen. The screen, then reads what the computer says.]

Karen Plankton : Seaweed: 50% Sea, 50% Weed. [a picture of the seaweed appears]

Plankton: Impressed? Now let's reveal that secret formula. [laughs and pulls the lever forward, letting two of SpongeBob's fingers off the patty. He's holding it with both hands, so one finger from each hand.] And this little piggy brought home a Krabby Patty. [two more fingers loose grip.] This little piggy will help me drop it in. Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants? [SpongeBob tries to resist, but stops]

SpongeBob: I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. [tears start to come out of his eyes] I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But worst of all, I let you down, [one of his teary eyes twinkles] you delicate little Krabby Patty?

Plankton: Mmm...

SpongeBob: [tearing up even more] With your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steamy goodness. [inside, Plankton starts to get hungry]

Plankton: Steamy... [a live-action patty gets assembled on screen as SpongeBob states the ingredients]

SpongeBob: I'll never forget your 100% all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steamed between two fluffy seaweed-sea buns. [inside, Plankton starts to drool excessively]

Plankton: Yes... yes... yes! [jumps out of one of SpongeBob's holes to the patty] Come to papa! [bounces off the patty and accidentally lands in the analyzer] Oh, boy... [now zapped and the computer reads out the analysis]

Karen: Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas. [Plankton appears on the screen]

Plankton: Well, this stinks.

SpongeBob: Well, patty, I guess we can go home now. [walks out]

Plankton: SpongeBob, that's my Krabby Patty! [SpongeBob walks out the swivel doors and they go back and forth] Give it back, you porous freak! I command you! My patty! [the doors come to a close] No! I'll settle for some fries. [The episode ends.]